Venting i wish i could do it already

[huntermellow]

i hate that i have to endure four more months of living until i can finally end it. i hope it is only four more months tho and nothing gets in the way. i haven't even ordered my sn yet so i can't get too hopeful that i only have four months left to live. i can never look forward to anything or be excited or hopeful about anything not even my own death because every time i look forward to something it always goes wrong. i think my biggest punishment would be being forced to live. everything goes wrong for me so it wouldn't be a surprise if my ctb attempt went wrong too right? lmao my life is hilariously awful. please let me have this one thing. everything i've ever wanted has been taken away from me. since i can't be happy in life at least let me find peace in death