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untildeathdousapart
Member
- Dec 2, 2023
- 28
It's August now, eight months have passed since my best friend committed suicide. She kept me alive, and gave me hope. I miss her everyday, and it only gets worse. I've never felt as sad and unmotivated as i have these past months. I can barely get out of my bed, and to put it quite blankly, I've given up. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't be that suicidal since I'm still alive. But i want to be dead, I don't want to live, and i have no reason to. Suicide never has a 100% fatality rate, which scares me a lot and leads me to where i am today - rotting in bed thinking of my death but being too much of a scaredy cat to actually do it. It's a horrible feeling. And aside from that, so much time has passed, and I still can't properly process my best friend's death. I often have these urges to message her or send her a funny picture of my dog. But she can't see it anymore. I barely go to her grave. It's one hour away from me, and i truly wish I'd visit more often, it's just so hard. I've given up hope, I have gone through multiple antidepressants and none of them helped. I've gone to therapy for years and have been inpatient multiple times, none of it helped. I don't want to live anymore, I wish I could just clap my hands and disappear forever.