I wish I could be fully contempt with death

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm not 100% ok with dying. Because somewhere within my heart I feel like there is a small possibility that I could harness my bpd and learn to live with it. But that doesn't erase my chronic suicide ideation. Living with this condition, and living as an outcasted person in society is both very painful and exhausting. I'm very tired, and seriously don't have the will to keep going. But it's difficult finding the willpower to fully let go. My bpd will make me cling on to many things, like people or specific things like music/pieces of fiction I really like. And the hope for a better life is one of those things I suppose. A trait all of us borderlines simultaneously have is desperately clinging on to something or someone with all of our will until we physically can't anymore. It's as if we are vampires searching for hearts to drain all of the blood from. Until there is none left, and we desperately seek out a new heart. For such a torturous and hopeless disorder, giving up is so unnecessarily difficult. I really wish I could just lose all hope already. I wish I had someone to tell me that this mental demon known as bpd will always haunt me no matter what.

 

[Aknu132]

I'm not 100% ok with dying. Because somewhere within my heart I feel like there is a small possibility that I could harness my bpd and learn to live with it. But that doesn't erase my chronic suicide ideation. Living with this condition, and living as an outcasted person in society is both very painful and exhausting. I'm very tired, and seriously don't have the will to keep going. But it's difficult finding the willpower to fully let go. My bpd will make me cling on to many things, like people or specific things like music/pieces of fiction I really like. And the hope for a better life is one of those things I suppose. A trait all of us borderlines simultaneously have is desperately clinging on to something or someone with all of our will until we physically can't anymore. It's as if we are vampires searching for hearts to drain all of the blood from. Until there is none left, and we desperately seek out a new heart. For such a torturous and hopeless disorder, giving up is so unnecessarily difficult. I really wish I could just lose all hope already. I wish I had someone to tell me that this mental demon known as bpd will always haunt me no matter what.

I'm so sorry for your condition. Hope you find peace

 

[wine is fine but]

I'm not 100% ok with dying. Because somewhere within my heart I feel like there is a small possibility that I could harness my bpd and learn to live with it

at least you are trying to be positive - without trying, none of us have any hope at all

But that doesn't erase my chronic suicide ideation

quite probably, nothing will, but it is possible to still have a good life with it

Living with this condition, and living as an outcasted person in society is both very painful and exhausting. I'm very tired, and seriously don't have the will to keep going. But it's difficult finding the willpower to fully let go. My bpd will make me cling on to many things, like people or specific things like music/pieces of fiction I really like. And the hope for a better life is one of those things I suppose. A trait all of us borderlines simultaneously have is desperately clinging on to something or someone with all of our will until we physically can't anymore. It's as if we are vampires searching for hearts to drain all of the blood from. Until there is none left, and we desperately seek out a new heart. For such a torturous and hopeless disorder, giving up is so unnecessarily difficult

i, and probably most on here, understand this fully. life is painful, exhausting, difficult, torturous and many more negative superlatives adequately describe our existence too. but like you said, it is difficult finding the willpower to fully let go. having hope can be a curse, because it actively stops us from letting go, but hope is all we have at times which makes it both a curse and a blessing at the same time . . . a little like life itself, i guess

I really wish I could just lose all hope already. I wish I had someone to tell me that this mental demon known as bpd will always haunt me no matter what.

i wish you, and everyone else could be full of hope. i also wish all of us could be free from whatever mental demon we have, but unfortunately our demons will almost certainly be with us until the end. i hope you can somehow have peace in life, and be happy to live for a long time, but i do not want you to have to endure pain or mental torture just for the sake of it. hopefully, if you do decide to exit this world on your own terms, it will be at the perfect time for you

 

[tomame]

i agree it's a terrible fate i hate myself so much