Venting i wish dying was easier

[vultureilse]

im trying to fight my survival instincts but its so fucking hard why does it have to be so difficult to die

my family was away for a few hours yesterday and i missed my chance and i dont know whens the next time im alone for enough time gonna be aghh i hate myself for not being able to go through with it

 

[zurukunai]

you are not alone

 

[Seekingawayout]

im trying to fight my survival instincts but its so fucking hard why does it have to be so difficult to die

my family was away for a few hours yesterday and i missed my chance and i dont know whens the next time im alone for enough time gonna be aghh i hate myself for not being able to go through with it

I'm in the exact same boat right now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

"Ah! it is but a little thing, death!" she thought. "I shall fall asleep and all will be over." -from "Madame Bovary"

The line before she swallows poison. I'm going to try to emulate that casualness.

What do you think you can do to make the interim time more bearable at least? You mentioned being unable to order SN because you lived with them. Is moving out a feasible goal? Would it improve your life otherwise and give you a place to CTB if it comes to that?

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course I wish for the same thing, voluntarily exiting this world really should be not so difficult and it's so incredibly awful and tiring how it is. If suicide is easier then of course I would be long gone by this point but the tragedy lies in the fact that the society we exist in is so focused on prolonging suffering and stigmatises suicide to the point that peaceful and desirable methods get restricted from us. I really hate this and I understand that it's very frustrating feeling so trapped here when you just want to be gone so badly. It's like the survival instinct exists just to prolong our torment. We really do all deserve the option of a way to just peacefully and instantly end this existence that we never asked for, that really would be so ideal to me.

 

[vultureilse]

"Ah! it is but a little thing, death!" she thought. "I shall fall asleep and all will be over." -from "Madame Bovary"

The line before she swallows poison. I'm going to try to emulate that casualness.

What do you think you can do to make the interim time more bearable at least? You mentioned being unable to order SN because you lived with them. Is moving out a feasible goal? Would it improve your life otherwise and give you a place to CTB if it comes to that?

honestly not sure, i dont think theres much i can do besides just wait. sadly it will probably be a long time before im able to move out as im currently 18 and not in a great financial situation

 

[june]

Yes for sure

 

[LaVieEnRose]

honestly not sure, i dont think theres much i can do besides just wait. sadly it will probably be a long time before im able to move out as im currently 18 and not in a great financial situation

I didn't realize you were so young. It's very unfortunate you have been made to feel this way at such a young age. But yes your options are going to be limited for now (but not necessarily always). What leads you to want out so soon?

 

[vultureilse]

I didn't realize you were so young. It's very unfortunate you have been made to feel this way at such a young age. But yes your options are going to be limited for now (but not necessarily always). What leads you to want out so soon?

my trauma and mental illnesses are just getting harder and harder for me to deal with and staying alive requires much more effort than its worth

even if my situation gets better my quality of life will never match that of a mentally healthy person who grew up in a normal family and i dont wanna live this way, having to put so much effort everyday into trying to function

 

[Wannagonow]

It's a shame you're so young and in this situation. I'll catch flack for asking this- but I'm gonna anyway. You're young- have you ever talked to a friend, family member, doctor about how you feel? Quite often those things aren't going to give you the support you want...but if you haven't tried them you'll never know. Please don't "hate yourself" for not being able to go thru with "it". If it's meant to happen at some point, it will. Until you're able to make your journey, I hope you can find a little peace in the meantime.

 

[vultureilse]

It's a shame you're so young and in this situation. I'll catch flack for asking this- but I'm gonna anyway. You're young- have you ever talked to a friend, family member, doctor about how you feel? Quite often those things aren't going to give you the support you want...but if you haven't tried them you'll never know. Please don't "hate yourself" for not being able to go thru with "it". If it's meant to happen at some point, it will. Until you're able to make your journey, I hope you can find a little peace in the meantime.

ive been to countless therapists since i was a kid but therapy never helped me, lot of times it just made everything worse. i had to spend some time in a psych ward and it was a traumatic experience which just completely ruined my trust in mental health professionals. i tried a bunch of antidepressants in my life as well, started taking new ones some time ago but they dont make much difference either, they make me slightly less numb but not any less miserable and suicidal

 

[Rob1984]

my trauma and mental illnesses are just getting harder and harder for me to deal with and staying alive requires much more effort than its worth

even if my situation gets better my quality of life will never match that of a mentally healthy person who grew up in a normal family and i dont wanna live this way, having to put so much effort everyday into trying to function

I have the same thoughts often. I envy people who had responsible parents who took their job seriously and did their homework as parents. So much of our development occurs in childhood when we are vulnerable to an environment that we have no control over. Children place their future in the hands of adults, and as you grow older, you realize most adults aren't very competent.

We don't have a choice with the cards we are given. All we can do is choose how to play those cards. I'm sorry you're struggling. There are many of us along side you in this. And yes, survival instincts are a bitch. If there is one thing a human is good at, it is keeping itself alive at any cost.

 

[Krieger]

I'm only here because I still want to do some things for a few years like travel the world and then when I've done everything I want to do I'll probably feel too bored to carry on I suppose

Killing myself seems easy. I'm American so I can just get a gun and turn it on myself (not saying I'm gonna or planning to do this or have the means to currently) if I wanted to. Just one trigger pull. I'm not saying I'm gonna kill myself now or anytime soon (or at all). Sorry I'm paranoid the cops will visit me on a wellness check and throw me in a ward.

Using poisons like SN seems very uncomfortable and miserable and I'd be really hesitant to do it. Jumping and train seems too brutal (all of your bones broken and your body disfigured). Sad that it's what some people have to resort to to die. I think people should be able to get euthanized legally, with some restrictions like age and whatnot. It's their life so they should be able to end it and if they're gonna why not make it as peaceful as possible.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have the same thoughts often. I envy people who had responsible parents who took their job seriously and did their homework as parents. So much of our development occurs in childhood when we are vulnerable to an environment that we have no control over. Children place their future in the hands of adults, and as you grow older, you realize most adults aren't very competent.

We don't have a choice with the cards we are given. All we can do is choose how to play those cards. I'm sorry you're struggling. There are many of us along side you in this. And yes, survival instincts are a bitch. If there is one thing a human is good at, it is keeping itself alive at any cost.

I envy people with parents who understood how to offer love and attention - fiercely and with focus …

 

[jigsaw_falling]

me too. i wish i could just stick to a method and do it, instead of constantly trying to find an easier or more painless or better way to ctb. because at this rate i'm going to just continue existing miserably forever, and id much rather find some courage and commit.