Venting I will probably CTB in January 2020 because I feel like every day I live is just pointless and if I died 2 years ago I wouldn't miss anything.

[Qverty7455]

I am so F tired of this stupid life and world. Ever since I lost my job and my only GF I ever had 5-6 months ago I was just sitting home alone and depressed and I am feeling worse every day but I don't have the strength or will to change anything because I think that life is not worth living anyway...I met some people online because I needed a girl but everyone was just so weird and mean and I was trying to be kind and caring but they just want some models that will just use them and throw away and normal kind boys have 0 chance. I am just home with my mother. I would love to live but my illness is driving me crazy and I hate myself. I have body dysmorphobic disorder (at least they told me I have it) but I know my face is not normal but it's easier to tell you that you are ill than to help you. If I would like to fix my jaw / chin / nose, bodyhair and hairline I would need about $20k and a lot of surgeries and it's a lot in my country. I know it's almost nothing in US for example. I am hairy as hell and I am tired of sitting home whole summer when it's hot outside because if I go outside or with someone they just keep asking if my father is monkey and stuff like that. I just wanted to be born like normal boy who will be able to live normal live and be able to find girl that will love me but I guess I never will. I want to CTB and to maybe have a chance to get a new life (I don't know what is afterlife and I don't really care I just care about getting rid of the body I have right now).
I just keep meeting people that are mean and dumping their partners or changing them every month and I am tired of this BS. Internet ruined everything...you see celebrities / murders and stuff like that everywhere you look and everyone is trying to look happy and pretty just to impress people they don't know...I would love to look normal without any deformability and to have a girlfriend for lifetime that will love me and never change me for someone that looks better...but I know I won't find it in this life. I had my ex and I thought she is my everything and I thought she is totaly someone else. She stood by me in hard times but after break up she showed me who she really is and after this experience I can't trust anyone because people are hiding secrets you will never find out...you think they are good and super cool but they are mean and evil instead. When they don't need you anymore they will kick you out of their lives without hesitation. I am sick of it and I don't want to hurt anymore. I will just slowly get courage and order SN leave my room and go to some hotel for few days do 48hour regimen and drink the SN and hope it will work and I will never wake up in this body again.


Sorry for stupid crying again. I just kept it in myself for a few weeks right now and wanted to vent.

I hope everyone is doing okay and I wish we wouldn't needed to be on this site in the first place.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

All your words above can be broken down into 4 simple issues:
a) Lack of job
b) Need of gf
c) self esteem /body image
d) People are mean

Now that I simplified it for you, if we work on this one by one then the task becomes easier. And once you resolve any one of this you will rapidly overcome rest of the issues.

a) To find a job shouldn't be that hard given that economy is doing good, you should be able and willing to do whatever you are offered.
b) Don't get restless about getting a gf. The other person should need you as much as you need them, otherwise this cycle of incompatible relationships will keep hurting you.
c) Any person who is gonna like you only for your looks is not worthy of relationship. It is very common in younger age to be self critical about one's own looks. Unless you have an accidental or congenital horrifying disfigurement you shouldn't even consider "improving" your looks.
d) There are lot many nicer people than bad people. The focus should be to be the good person yourself. Then the goodness radiates onto others and you find good people.

Take it easy my friend.

 

[Qverty7455]

All your words above can be broken down into 4 simple issues:
a) Lack of job
b) Need of gf
c) self esteem /body image
d) People are mean

Now that I simplified it for you, if we work on this one by one then the task becomes easier. And once you resolve any one of this you will rapidly overcome rest of the issues.

a) To find a job shouldn't be that hard given that economy is doing good, you should be able and willing to do whatever you are offered.
b) Don't get restless about getting a gf. The other person should need you as much as you need them, otherwise this cycle of incompatible relationships will keep hurting you.
c) Any person who is gonna like you only for your looks is not worthy of relationship. It is very common in younger age to be self critical about one's own looks. Unless you have an accidental or congenital horrifying disfigurement you shouldn't even consider "improving" your looks.
d) There are lot many nicer people than bad people. The focus should be to be the good person yourself. Then the goodness radiates onto others and you find good people.

Take it easy my friend.

I wish it was so easy to fix like you wrote.
But I lack the reason to live...I don't like this world and how things works...you need to be bit** to do good and I can't do that. I am too sensitive for this world. I can't even handle basic stuff. Depressiono, OCD and BDD took my life away...
Body dysmorphobic disorder and low self esteem is not the same...I hope nobody would ever experience this ilness...you re checking yourself in phone every damn minute and if you go somewhere you need to stand in front of mirror for hours and just check yourself. I wake up and run in front of mirror and keep telling myself how ugly I am and I am no suprised no one likes me if I am that hideous. If I am out with my friends and they keep talking about taking a selfie I have nearly heart attack...If I visit my father his gf keeps taking pictures of every shit we are doing...like hundreds of photos per one visit I am tired of this bullshit. Plus if I start talking to someone online they want photo or webcam aswell to see me and I am just scared to do it because I might not be good enough for them...terrible ilness...I can't think of worse psychic ilness maybe bipolar...but I might have it aswell because one minute I am okay next minute I want to die I am tired of this...
I think every ilness is terrible but if you hate yourself it's probably the worst because the only way to run from yourself is to die...if someone you hate is near you don't have to see him...but I have to be in this body until I die. I can't run away from myself and I never found way to fix myself.

Job or GF won't fix it...I had a job but was walking with noose in my bag every night afterwards and was looking for place to hang myself.
I had 2 suicide attempts with my ex because I thought I am not good enough for her and she will be better without me or she will change me.
And people are mean is just another nail to the coffin...the only problem is my face and my illness and I am fighting it for years without any improvement.

 

[Santiago]

I feel you on BDD. It really is a destructive disorder that can't be explained. Goes far beyond low self esteem.

Not that I disagree with @ThingsWithFeathers. I am always pro-recovery. Although I do get you and BDD can leave you feeling hopeless.

Also don't get surgery. It won't fix the BDD.

 

[Qverty7455]

I feel you on BDD. It really is a destructive disorder that can't be explained. Goes far beyond low self esteem.

Not that I disagree with @ThingsWithFeathers. I am always pro-recovery. Although I do get you and BDD can leave you feeling hopeless.

Also don't get surgery. It won't fix the BDD.

I wanted to try it :( to maybe see myself fixed and maybe then I will be happy but I don't have the money anyway and my family won't help me...I am waiting for the last results in January and then I will I will CTB if it will be too expensive or not possible to fix. I don't want to be ignored just for the looks if my heart and personality is kind...I won't let anyone hurt me again and fail me.

 

[Sideswipe]

BDD Is hard., it's cruel on you and messes with everything you try to do. It is treatable.. or manageable. If you can find the right person to help.. I have watched my sister battle it for 20 years. She is gorgeous but doesn't believe it.
I'm sorry your going through it too.

 

[Mloureiro]

All your words above can be broken down into 4 simple issues:
a) Lack of job
b) Need of gf
c) self esteem /body image
d) People are mean

Now that I simplified it for you, if we work on this one by one then the task becomes easier. And once you resolve any one of this you will rapidly overcome rest of the issues.

a) To find a job shouldn't be that hard given that economy is doing good, you should be able and willing to do whatever you are offered.
b) Don't get restless about getting a gf. The other person should need you as much as you need them, otherwise this cycle of incompatible relationships will keep hurting you.
c) Any person who is gonna like you only for your looks is not worthy of relationship. It is very common in younger age to be self critical about one's own looks. Unless you have an accidental or congenital horrifying disfigurement you shouldn't even consider "improving" your looks.
d) There are lot many nicer people than bad people. The focus should be to be the good person yourself. Then the goodness radiates onto others and you find good people.

Take it easy my friend.

You have written everything I was going to say. And, for me, an hairless man in not a man. Exception : beard and mustach, yes, hairless face. So, there are women who like man, the real thing, like in the old days. Now, they shave everything besides the beard??? WTF