It really breaks my heart to hear this. I totally relate to the feeling that once you don't have someone to take care of or care for that you then are done. It makes me so angry that the horrible things done to us when little affect our brains for the rest of our lives and we then spend our lives trying to fix something that never should have been broken in the first place.
You do deserve love and shame on those who taught you differently. Fear of abandonment is an awful taskmaster. I've spent so many nights asking what's wrong with me, why am I not good enough. I don't know why loving ourselves is so hard, especially after cognitively being able to recognize we did not deserve what happened. I guess if I had the answer I wouldn't be here.
Thank you, and I'm so sorry to hear how much you struggle as well
I think the ability to recognize we deserve love is the worst part, at least for me.
I know I'm a victim of abuse, I imagine myself as a child and remember what I had to go through and how much I was hurt, and there's no bias possible to be there because I was a child. Children are innocent, there's nothing I could have done do deserve being so neglected by my parents, I'm a victim of circumstance, born into a broken family who really shouldn't have a child. I know all of that, I know that's what caused me to grow up feeling broken, empty and worthless... but I still hate myself. But come to think about it, there is some logic in it, when I grew up treated like a burden, it's only natural I grow to internalize it.
The saddest part is that whatever my family has done to hurt me, all the childhood trauma, all the bullying.. the worst abuser I ever had to live with, and the worst abuse I had to endure, is the one I do to myself.
I guess he could either give up or give his 200% into fixing the garden as much as he could
I often do feel like I'm put in such a scenario
I think of it as being on top of a huge fence, and you can either fall to the left or right and it's not up to you. So I can either get suicidal or gain the urge to fix things to be better... Sadly I usually fall to the suicidal part, I used to have energy to give my everything to fix myself, but at some point you lose hope, even if you situation isn't doomed.
Thanks for listening to Tiger's bedtime story, and thanks for helping me. Yes, you have helped me. Goodnight, best wishes
I'm glad I could help, whatever way it was :)