Venting I will express everything I have felt for a long time.

[Tr3dorz]

W.N: Before reading this, I warn you that the entire text was generated using Google Translate, so many words may not make sense.

Being alone for 18 years has deeply affected me. I'm tired of fantasizing about friendships since I was 9 years old. It's difficult for me to go to a psychologist; how can they help me if I'm unable to communicate properly?

I'm desperate to make friends. I've joined many online support communities, but I always chicken out and leave immediately. It would be great to have a friendship to chat, spend time playing video games together, share our problems, and receive a hug; it would be very good to have something meaningful in my life. At first, I think, "Wow! Having a friendship is beautiful," but then I think, "I'm an idiot, I'll never have friends, I want to my life." I've never received words of appreciation from a friend or someone genuinely interested in friendship or conversation. I don't know what else to do; I'm extremely stupid and shy, both in real life and online. I'm thinking of drawing attention in a morbid way, maybe seriously injuring myself, to receive attention for the first time.

"Oh, you're a melodramatic loser." You're right; maybe that's why I should die. My text is so contradictory and poorly translated that it makes no sense, just like my whole life. I'm just a fool with the motto "poor me," and I deserve all the humiliations I receive every day for being weird and weak, for not wanting to face even the smallest problems. I have delusions of grandeur for no reason, that's why I'm retarded, since I've never achieved anything and yet I think I'm better. My God, my head is full of shit. We all know that these behaviors end very, very badly. I should avoid it with my death before it becomes worse.

I hate my height of 5 feet 6 inches with myopia, nasal congestion, ASD, DCD. I would have severe social anxiety if it weren't for my depersonalization and my constant fantasies 24/7. I hate living in the lowest part of the third world, with people whose behaviors are deplorable and justified by culture.

I'm a fucking weirdo who reminds you of other fucking weirdos, right?

I hope this thread is not ignored like so many other things in my life because it's cringey. I've always lived in uncertainty, never been told directly to my face. Just tell me what they never told me. Am I in the deepest shit of hell or what? Please, be honest and clear up that doubt for me.

This is the only time I've managed to express what I feel and think. That's why this text is chaotic; all my emotions have exploded here.

 

[RolltheDie]

I don't think you're a 'melodramatic loser'. I deeply relate to a lot of what you say. I would like to be your friend but I am in the same boat where I think I will chicken out or just give up on friendship pretty quick.

 

[strawberrydino]

Hey, I had a really long time of struggling to make friends(still do), and I'm not entirely sure if this is the correct way but I like joining twitch streamers discords that have hobbies I like or games. I know it's really hard to constantly feel like you're the only one that wants a friend/the only one reaching out to people, but eventually if you share your passion someone will respond. It's really hard, but being online if much easier. If you feel insecure or have a hard time communicating you can text people, as you have infinite time to think of your thing. You just got to push past that anxiety(which feels impossible), but just to keep it up. You have to believe life will get better. I'm sorry if this comes off condescending, but for me I've been doing my best to constantly repeat that mantra. Sometimes you will fail, but please keep going, it's better then being lonely forever. (Sorry for the long block of text, I just relate a lot and I really hope some of this get's through the google translate and helps)

 

[Tr3dorz]

I don't think you're a 'melodramatic loser'. I deeply relate to a lot of what you say. I would like to be your friend but I am in the same boat where I think I will chicken out or just give up on friendship pretty quick.

Although the barrier is language, we can chat with each other if you want; anyway, life has already moved ahead of us.

If this sounds manipulative, it's not my intention; I'm just very stupid.

Hey, I had a really long time of struggling to make friends(still do), and I'm not entirely sure if this is the correct way but I like joining twitch streamers discords that have hobbies I like or games. I know it's really hard to constantly feel like you're the only one that wants a friend/the only one reaching out to people, but eventually if you share your passion someone will respond. It's really hard, but being online if much easier. If you feel insecure or have a hard time communicating you can text people, as you have infinite time to think of your thing. You just got to push past that anxiety(which feels impossible), but just to keep it up. You have to believe life will get better. I'm sorry if this comes off condescending, but for me I've been doing my best to constantly repeat that mantra. Sometimes you will fail, but please keep going, it's better then being lonely forever. (Sorry for the long block of text, I just relate a lot and I really hope some of this get's through the google translate and helps)

Thank you very much for your words, but I've already tried several times and it's becoming something worse than being dead inside: hatred. As we've always seen on the Internet, that ends very badly. I'm such a strange creature that even other autistics ignore me; that hurts too much. Besides, my dyspraxia makes me question if I'm worth anything as a human being.