I went to the ocean today

[jakerjays]

I feel like grounding yourself in nature is a great way of revealing how you really feel. Sometimes it can bring up emotions you didn't expect. Finding yourself somewhere beautiful could make you realise you might miss it.

I definitely felt better, but not differently. One good day by the water doesn't make things worth it. Going there 5 times a week wouldn't even make life worth it.
It was raining really heavily and I stayed by the water for about two hours just eating fast food and singing out loud because nobody else was there. I really just needed to get outside. My problem, though, is that things don't feel real. No matter the volume of the waves or how cold my hands are, it feels like I'm recalling a memory or living through somebody elses experiences.

I forgot what the point of this post was halfway through writing it, I guess I'm just frustrated that I feel like I'm always trying my best to at least make things more bearable for myself and I still end up in the same depressed, distressed episodes.
I really can't wait to die, but I need to figure out when. Sometime this week after university, maybe. Maybe I should stop planning and just fucking do it, I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[jinmaopoison]

I get it. Went for a walk and the weather was perfect and the setting sun was peeking through the leaves. Really picturesque. Doesn't make me want to die any less though lmao. I think once you reach a certain point nothing external will fix you.

 

[jakerjays]

I get it. Went for a walk and the weather was perfect and the setting sun was peeking through the leaves. Really picturesque. Doesn't make me want to die any less though lmao. I think once you reach a certain point nothing external will fix you.

Exactly. Back when I was first slipping into depression 'going for a walk' genuinely did work, just not so much anymore. I don't now, it's like my ability to appreciate things kind of just slowly disappeared

 

[konkurs]

sounds like a lovely time, can't wait until the next time I can meditate by the sea. Its one of my favorite pastimes, almost a part of my identity at this point

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate to this a lot. It's the sort of thing I used to do- take myself off to the sea. I love water too. The same as you though- while I suppose I'm still lucky enough to appreciate it at least, it still isn't enough. Not to change anything fundamentally.

I also question the same thing- would bringing more of that into my life change it substantially? Even if it were possible? I tend to think not.

Anyhow, the reality is, it's only possible with other sacrifices. Time and money spent doing that would put greater time pressures on work schedules. Exerting energy there would likely make me feel even more tired at other times.

When I had something closer to a 9-5, I used to try and do stuff weekends. But then, I'd sometimes then regret that during the week back at work- when I felt utterly exhausted. I just think- unless you're financially supported, it's pretty hard to live a balanced life.

I think worries are hard to put out of your head too. Not that they do much good but, it's hard to relax enough to enjoy stuff while we're so consumed with other worries.

I love it that you sang to the sea. I also love visiting places off peak.