I was able to acquire my dads shotgun which he had locked up but I couldn't pull the trigger. The thought of blowing my brains is fucking scary. But I don't want to live at all. Everyday is so fucking miserable. I just can't feel anything. I've been like this for years now. I have severe anxiety, ocd and ADHD. I feel empty all the time. I tried making friends but I don't feel anything, no emotions when I'm talking with someone. I can't connect with people. I don't enjoy doing anything. Even small things such as watching movies and playing games give me nothing. I have to put in so much effort just to do basic tasks. And it's just gonna get worse from here on. I just wanna die but I'm so fucking afraid of blowing my brains out. My OCD brain makes me believe I'll end up with half brain open, alive in excruciating pain. I just cant push through this. A fucking buckshot to head should hypothetically instantly result in death but I just can't do it. I know so many people wish if only they had a shotgun they'd have ended it all yet here I am so afraid. I'm consciously stopping myself from pulling the trigger. I put the loaded gun in my mouth and had my finger on trigger all I needed was a fucking small pull of the trigger. But I just didnt .... I can't put it back to where I got it from without my dad noticing. If he finds out about it (maybe in a few days) and I haven't ended my life by then everything will end up much worse. He will make my life many times worse. Plus if I lose access to the gun it'll just make me more desperate over time and I may end up fucking jumping off a building which has a much higher chance of ending up a vegetable. Idk wtf to do the only thing I know is I don't wanna live. I planned on shooting through the mouth the barrel aimed at the uvula. But I keep getting thoughts that I'll be conscious after the shot and in extreme pain. I'm so tired of this.
LaVieEnRose
Pray for my release
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,533
The sheer intensity of instant death is still very overwhelming. Most people who die via gun seem to do it on an intense urge.
Why can't you return the shotgun without your father noticing? What will he do?
You say it has been this way but have you ever gotten any kind of mental health help before or simply told someone?
Why can't you return the shotgun without your father noticing? What will he do?
You say it has been this way but have you ever gotten any kind of mental health help before or simply told someone?
pthnrdnojvsc
Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
- Aug 12, 2019
- 3,867
i have a shotgun, rifle . but i fear failing also and remaining alive. i wish i could pay someone to shoot me in the head. if i try to do it then i will only get one shot . but someone else could take many shots until i'm dead. lets say there's a 99% chance i die when i do it . yes then there could be 1% of remaining alive with damage . but some else shooting can shoot me 10 times a hundred times so it's guaranteed .that's why they made it a crime to hire someone to assist me in suicide.
i'm not scared of Death . i'm scared or pain or remaining alive with brain damage
First and foremost, like a huge duh! ctb is one and done, never ever a do over. I am NOT pro-life nor pro ctb, I just want the very best for each and every soul always.
For me, the idea of using a firearm is way too much, as if the what if happens and one is a vegetable for the next x decades, not a very good idea, at least in my book.
My question, and NEVER EVER being nosey, can you get your own place? I had "parents" way back when who should have NEVER EVER been "parents". They kicked me out at the age of 18, and looking back, it was one of the very best for me, LONG term, short term it is rough, but overall, really good.
To/for me, using a firearm is in the same category as trying the route of overdosing. Way too many negatives for my taste. I would NOT want to stare out of a picture window, drooling and not even know that I am alive, nope never, NO vegetable state for me, nope.
My heart broke when i read your post and I 1005 wish that you can find your own place and spread your wings without any interference from anyone.
Hugs, caring thoughts and I wish you all the best, as we are ALL family here.
Walter
For me, the idea of using a firearm is way too much, as if the what if happens and one is a vegetable for the next x decades, not a very good idea, at least in my book.
My question, and NEVER EVER being nosey, can you get your own place? I had "parents" way back when who should have NEVER EVER been "parents". They kicked me out at the age of 18, and looking back, it was one of the very best for me, LONG term, short term it is rough, but overall, really good.
To/for me, using a firearm is in the same category as trying the route of overdosing. Way too many negatives for my taste. I would NOT want to stare out of a picture window, drooling and not even know that I am alive, nope never, NO vegetable state for me, nope.
My heart broke when i read your post and I 1005 wish that you can find your own place and spread your wings without any interference from anyone.
Hugs, caring thoughts and I wish you all the best, as we are ALL family here.
Walter
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