I was taught to void my emotion.

[YourAverageLurker]

Growing up in a "secure", overprotected environment I've begun to realize how discouraged I was at showing emotion. This began a few years prior when I noticed the physical ability to cry and overall numbness to situations revolving difficult-to-process emotions. A lot of this is credited to my father; while he tried his best, is responsible for silencing my attempts to display emotion as a child. I'd imagine he wouldn't have expected this from me now, or maybe he never thought it'd get this bad. I cant feel "normally" even if I wanted too, a blessing and a curse. To clarify on emotion, while I do have a level of empathy towards others on a situational level, emotional wise it's difficult for me which is unfortunate because it has a disingenuous tone when discussing serious topics with another person.

My general point for bringing up this topic was to see if anyone else has similarities, stories, or relatability here?
There's no way I'm the only one, I cant be alone.

 

[H.O.Xan]

I'm seeing myself in ur post. No lie. Not the "secure env" part but the entire rest

 

[Aisley]

Yup. There's this huge wall between me and all life experiences. Then, sometimes I experience things later, when I'm alone. Or at least, I always mean to. I give better answers if I can walk away from the situation, it's the only way I can process it. But I stand by it, by the upbringing. I feel bad for people who feel things on their faces. Like, don't they know everyone can see their thoughts in real time?

 

[Laivirt]

I wasn't raised in an overprotective environment, far from it in fact -- my parents mentally checked out as I aged, so I think it was mainly my siblings, teachers and the internet that raised me.

That being said, I do relate to this sentiment quite a bit. I legitimately cannot express emotions anymore, at least to a normal degree. From time to time I will feel emotions so intense that they feel physically painful, but for the most part I am just empty.

It's helpful in stressful situations where things can only be resolved if you keep a cool head. But then people also emote around me and it makes me uncomfortable. I cannot handle when people are anxious. I cannot handle when people are mad. I especially cannot handle when people are upset and crying. I don't know how to comfort people, nor do I really want to learn. It's a skill I've lost over time.

It's sorta of funny to think about. I used to be the therapy friend for every person I hung out with. Now I leave the room the nanosecond I notice someone gets upset about something. Crying always feels like some sort of manipulation tactic. I don't know why.

I think I'm just an NPC at this point. Say something concerning to me and I'm just programmed to laugh. I don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to do. My parents didn't teach me how to be a person. People and things we care about die and they just move on. I would have to do something extremely drastic (i.e. commit a violent crime, which I don't want to do) for them to show concern about my wellbeing because nothing else works. Trying to CTB certainly didn't.

I'm rambling but I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at here. I'm not sure how to feels things normally, nor am I really sure I want to learn. I think this is the natural consequence of a human being living in complete invisibility. Why should I care about anyone around me when they don't give a shit about me, right? When you form attachments to things, those things can be weaponized against you and taken away. It's best not to care about anything.

In a way, I guess I'm sort of alone in the world. It's not anything special; I didn't grow up in poverty or experience anything too horrific in my opinion. It's not anything new either. From locking doors so I wouldn't get hit to being the lifeless adult I am now, I always knew it would end up this way. No one is coming to save you and bla bla fucking bla. Deal with it on your own.

The emptiness is something you're born with, stitched into your soul if you even believe in stuff like that. It starts out small and, without intervention, engulfs every part of you until you are a hollow shell of a living being.

It's the only friend I've got. I'm alright with that.

 

[YourAverageLurker]

I think I'm just an NPC at this point. Say something concerning to me and I'm just programmed to laugh.

I don't know how to comfort people, nor do I really want to learn. It's a skill I've lost over time.

Crying always feels like some sort of manipulation tactic. I don't know why.

I resonate with these. Thank you for sharing.

 

[ptolemaea]

my parents would beat me whenever i started to cry. not sure what they thought they were accomplishing, but i feel sick and whenever i have to display any kind of emotion. i am permanently numb to everything, feeling any kind of negative emotion makes me feel sick to my stomach. i feel so scared whenever i start to cry, like i'm still the child who's parents wouldn't let her shed a tear.

 

[YourAverageLurker]

my parents would beat me whenever i started to cry. not sure what they thought they were accomplishing, but i feel sick and whenever i have to display any kind of emotion. i am permanently numb to everything, feeling any kind of negative emotion makes me feel sick to my stomach. i feel so scared whenever i start to cry, like i'm still the child who's parents wouldn't let her shed a tear.

Judging by other posts I've seen you in, you didn't deserve that and i'm sure you know. While I cant personally resonate with abuse, it was bravo of you to share. Thank you.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I was unfortunate enough to have a narcissistic Mother.
This impacted my emotional processing capabilities in a very negative way.