Venting I want to try to CTB just to see if I really want to

[RandomDude1234]

So I have been in another one of my depressive episodes and sometimes I really just want to end it all but other times I think that maybe I should live a little bit more.

After lots of thinking, I think I want to CTB just to see if I really want to live. I have been sicidal for over ten years, with a way to CTB kept on the ready for the last five years.

In my mind, after I do the steps to CTB, if I really want to live, I will panic and reach out to family immediately for help. If I am at peace with my decision to CTB, I will not do anything and quietly pass into nothingness.
What scares me is that maybe I will want to live and it will be too late.

But I'm not sure how long I can continue on living like this. Feeling at the top of the world some day and feeling at the absolute bottom the other. I just want to push myself at the very edge and see if I would turn back. Because at this stage, I feel like that's the only way I would be able to put a stop to my extreme suicide ideation.
To actually do the act and see if I really want to live.

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[hamvil]

I would not recommend this tbh. One thing is to do an attempt because you feel it is the right choice and then maybe stop at the last moment. In general people are scared of failing in your case it would be even worse. I have no idea about the method, but some could be risky. Be careful please.

 

[Pluto]

There is no middle ground between the extremes of life and death. An alternative strategy is to turn all attention towards an attempted recovery, and if the situation truly is hopeless then there would be no real argument against CTB.

 

[HerculePoirot]

As long as you are not absolutely sure, do not try. There is always a significant probability that you'll die, even if you finally decide not to.

To summarize: catching the bus means the bus will transport you. Once you step into the vehicle, you are just a passenger with a one-way ticket.

In other words: your suicide is not an experiment, it's your end. You do not "want" to die, you decide to (or not to).

 

[RandomDude1234]

Yeah I get what you all are saying.

But it comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm extremely sure that I want to die and other times, a dount creeps in.
I have been taking treatment for the past two years and even gone to therapy.

@HerculePoirot At no point do I see it as an experiment. I know if I try to CTB, I'll probably succeed. Why am I so sure? Because I have basially memorised the entire steps and read through countless reports of people dying using my chosen method.

I might have made it sound like I want to try it on a whim, but the option of killing myself is a constant detriment to me. I can't take any actions to improve myself because I always come to the conclusion that I will kill myself soon. So what's the use?
The threat of this suicide ideation has become like a sword hanging over my neck and I just want to free myself of theis ever present omnious feeling that I'm going to kill myself.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I feel the exact same way.