I want to tell everyone

[joey2424]

Two of the closest people to me in my life have cut me off and blocked me over something I said. Being cut off by someone you love like this is so incredibly painful. I cant any do anything but lay in bed and wish I would hear from them and that things would be okay.

I am so close to telling them that I am going to kill myself so that they understand the pain that I am in.

I know that I can't tell them that. I don't want them to interfere with my plans. And I don't want anyone knowing I am actively suicidal so that they would feel responsible when I die.

So I am just going to tell you. I am going to kill myself soon. My SN purchase was confirmed a couple days ago, and today I purchased meto. Hopefully everything arrives soon without issue. I feel anxious that it is becoming real, and also excited to be able to start planning a date.

I hope that telling "you" makes it easier to resist telling anyone who knows me. It feels so lonely to keep such a big decision to myself.

 

[absolute failure]

i told and ended up in a psych ward against my will, be careful who to tell.

 

[joey2424]

i told and ended up in a psych ward against my will, be careful who to tell.

I won't tell anyone. I don't think they would take me seriously, to be honest. But I think that if I told someone and they didn't take me seriously, then they would be quite traumatized once I am gone. I am already quite anxious about the trauma that my decision will cause.

 

[absolute failure]

I won't tell anyone. I don't think they would take me seriously, to be honest. But I think that if I told someone and they didn't take me seriously, then they would be quite traumatized once I am gone. I am already quite anxious about the trauma that my decision will cause.

i dont really care about the trauma i will cause, i am more focused on dying smoothly. thats honestly really sad, no one takes you seriously if you tell them such a detrimental thing? thats crazy

 

[itsgone2]

i told and ended up in a psych ward against my will, be careful who to tell.

Same thing for me except I was taken to ER and I knew what to say. They kept me a while but I went home. Still it sucked.

 

[joey2424]

i dont really care about the trauma i will cause, i am more focused on dying smoothly. thats honestly really sad, no one takes you seriously if you tell them such a detrimental thing? thats crazy

Hmm ya. Especially because they might think I'm just saying that to get them to talk to me again. Generally, I am good at masking, and people do not have reason to believe I am actually suicidal.

I actually tried messaging a text helpline for suicide once though and they didn't care. They asked if I was in imminent danger (like are you about to do it) and I said no. And they were basically like "so what do you want?" And I was like oh… I thought these were set up so I had someone to talk to about my feelings. It's not for that I guess lol. Was super depressing.

Same thing for me except I was taken to ER and I knew what to say. They kept me a while but I went home. Still it sucked.

I certainly don't want to be taken anywhere. Especially an ER. There is nothing about that which would help my situation in any way.

 

[absolute failure]

you looked for help and they rejected you? fucked up world we live in

 

[joey2424]

you looked for help and they rejected you? fucked up world we live in

Ya I thought it was meant so we have someone to talk to. But I guess it's more like they will call an ambulance for you. Or put you on a waiting list for a therapist maybe. I just wanted someone to talk to without telling anyone I know that it's this bad.

 

[absolute failure]

Ya I thought it was meant so we have someone to talk to. But I guess it's more like they will call an ambulance for you. Or put you on a waiting list for a therapist maybe. I just wanted someone to talk to without telling anyone I know that it's this bad.

I have an open ear if you wanna talk

 

[joey2424]

I have an open ear if you wanna talk

I actually never cry but reading that made me cry honestly.

I've been suicidal on and off for 20 years. I think about suicide even when things are going "okay" - I always would prefer to not be alive. I see my entire life as just something to "get through", like the way normal people see their work day or something. For me there is no joy in life, only trying to avoid pain.

Now that I'm getting closer to actually dying. I feel sad that I can't say goodbye to anyone. I feel so sad that I have to do this all alone.

 

[absolute failure]

I actually never cry but reading that made me cry honestly.

I've been suicidal on and off for 20 years. I think about suicide even when things are going "okay" - I always would prefer to not be alive. I see my entire life as just something to "get through", like the way normal people see their work day or something. For me there is no joy in life, only trying to avoid pain.

Now that I'm getting closer to actually dying. I feel sad that I can't say goodbye to anyone. I feel so sad that I have to do this all alone.

Youre not alone. I feel you and understand you. I will also die soon, fate will be equal for us. How the world treats you isnt fair, they dont deserve you

 

[meddle]

you dont have to do this alone, you have us, strangers from creepy online forum! but seriously, im really sorry that you are in this situation and feel lonely. i wish the world was a kinder place. i wish that people care about each other. but alas

 

[joey2424]

Youre not alone. I feel you and understand you. I will also die soon, fate will be equal for us. How the world treats you isnt fair, they dont deserve you

Thanks for listening. It means a lot. I'm sorry that you are in this position too.

you dont have to do this alone, you have us, strangers from creepy online forum! but seriously, im really sorry that you are in this situation and feel lonely. i wish the world was a kinder place. i wish that people care about each other. but alas

Ya, I feel like everyone lets you down in the end. Humans are selfish things. It does feel less alone to have people here. Even if we are strangers on a creepy forum.

 

[absolute failure]

Thanks for listening. It means a lot. I'm sorry that you are in this position too.

Ya, I feel like everyone lets you down in the end. Humans are selfish things. It does feel less alone to have people here. Even if we are strangers on a creepy forum.

This pain is temporary. Eternal peace awaits me :)

 

[jojobanana]

Hmm ya. Especially because they might think I'm just saying that to get them to talk to me again. Generally, I am good at masking, and people do not have reason to believe I am actually suicidal.

I actually tried messaging a text helpline for suicide once though and they didn't care. They asked if I was in imminent danger (like are you about to do it) and I said no. And they were basically like "so what do you want?" And I was like oh… I thought these were set up so I had someone to talk to about my feelings. It's not for that I guess lol. Was super depressing.

I certainly don't want to be taken anywhere. Especially an ER. There is nothing about that which would help my situation in any way.

i don't understand them. how often does someone intending to die contact a helpline. i don't understand but im sure it happens..

 

[joey2424]

i don't understand them. how often does someone intending to die contact a helpline. i don't understand but im sure it happens..

Ya I'm surprised too. I mean, I can imagine the scenario for sure. Like you're about to attempt and SI kicks in and you decide you want help. I just don't feel like it matches up with how they advertise it.

 

[jojobanana]

Ya I'm surprised too. I mean, I can imagine the scenario for sure. Like you're about to attempt and SI kicks in and you decide you want help. I just don't feel like it matches up with how they advertise it.

yeah i can't wrap my head around it. i know i wouldn't call if i intended to die. they usually say they'll contact emergency services. after my last attempt i don't think id let that happen again. i usually call when im in a lot of pain but ik i wont do anything yet. just extremely hopeless. how often do they get people who have attempted and are there speaking to them in their final moments? if it was SI wouldn't most people ring emergency services themselves first. those are my questions but i don't doubt this has been someone's experience

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I actually tried messaging a text helpline for suicide once though and they didn't care. They asked if I was in imminent danger (like are you about to do it) and I said no. And they were basically like "so what do you want?" And I was like oh… I thought these were set up so I had someone to talk to about my feelings. It's not for that I guess lol. Was super depressing.

Honestly, carceral hotlines are shit. I only contact non-carceral/peer support on principle. They actually give a shit. Have you ever tried one of those?

 

[joey2424]

yeah i can't wrap my head around it. i know i wouldn't call if i intended to die. they usually say they'll contact emergency services. after my last attempt i don't think id let that happen again. i usually call when im in a lot of pain but ik i wont do anything yet. just extremely hopeless. how often do they get people who have attempted and are there speaking to them in their final moments? if it was SI wouldn't most people ring emergency services themselves first. those are my questions but i don't doubt this has been someone's experience

Ya I agree - if it was SI I certainly would be calling the ambulance myself, not the hotline which would connect me to an ambulance. But I guess it's for when you really want to attempt but part of you doesn't want to feel that way? Although idk how they help you then, also by sending an ambulance? I imagine I would get to the ER and get released and just feel even worse about myself. Kind of just feels like a service that the gov was pressured to introduce despite it not affecting anything.

Honestly, carceral hotlines are shit. I only contact non-carceral/peer support on principle. They actually give a shit. Have you ever tried one of those?

I haven't tbh, I didn't really know that there were other options. I wonder if it would be good to see if there are other hotlines where I live. Although I think I'd end up feeling guilty about the fact that they can't change my mind, and just telling them that I've changed my mind so they feel better.