Venting i want to stop spiraling

[nevergongiveyouup]

My dad disowned me a year ago cause he couldn't come to terms with me being gay. I thought I was over it. Why would i still need his approval? i saw him a couple weeks ago. he kept texting my mum to try to see me, acting like nothing ever happened. i essentially told him that he cant ever take back the shit hes said and done to me. i said that i still wanted to see my step mum and siblings but i would never be more than simply polite to him. he would never be my dad again. everyone keeps fucking telling me that i shouldve given him a chance. im sick of it. no one seems to understand what an awful piece of shit he is, even before i came out. all anyone seems to be saying is that a shitty dad is better than none at all.

but, at the same time, even though i pretend its all over and done with, act like it doesn't effect me, it really fucking does. especially recently. maybe because its almost been a year. but i just. i dont know whats wrong with me. i feel stuck, i feel trapped in being broken. i hate it. im spiraling, i cant control my bad habits anymore. i can tell everyone around me is getting sick of it. i dont want to drag anyone else down with me. how do i make it stop?

 

[deathxo]

The amount of influence & impact our parents have over us as their children, makes disentangling our lives from them & getting rid of our need for their validation, a long and ardous journey. No matter how clear their violations of our boundaries, or disrespect or dismissal of us as individuals may be.
I don't know much about your dad or your relationship with him but I can say this; No, a shitty dad is NOT better than having no dad at all.
It's crazy to me how we're supposed to just forgive certain people for their bullshit just because of their relationship to us. Oh yes, you gave birth to me so please go ahead & walk all over me.

Whether you want to let your dad back into your life or not, should be absolutely your decision. No one lived the life you did, no one's opinion matters. Do not ever let anyone make you feel guilt or shame for your stance.

(I say all of this so vehemently while trying to navigate the messiness of my relationship with my own parents so I might be saying all of this to myself just as much as I am saying this to you)