Venting I want to say goodbye to my friends, but I don't want to hurt them

[orpheus_]

I am slowly putting together a plan of leaving using SN soon. I have one friend very close to me who knows about it, but I know she won't snitch on me (also she doesn't know the details).

However my two other friends, who I only know online (we rarely meet because they live in different parts of the country) don't know. We kind of lost contact over the last year since I have been feeling worse and worse and didn't want to bother them or had the energy to keep in touch, we almost stopped talking but we text sometimes. I excused myself with being busy with university work (lies, I mean I started uni but I don't study at all). But they are still very dear to me and I know they are hoping to restore our friendship during summer when everyone has more free time. I probably won't even be alive then, hopefully.

They meant a lot in my life and there are many things I would like to tell them.. I really want to send messages/notes to them before I CTB, telling them everything I wanted to say. Thanking them for everything.

At the same time I know it will be better for them if our friendship just naturally fades away. If I stop texting back one day, they may just not think much about it since we don't keep regular contact anyway. But if I send them a goodbye message? hell, that would immediately reveal that I CTBd. I don't want them to know that I'm dead. Especially since they're both very emotional, compassionate people and I know it would be heartbreaking for them if they knew how I died.

I was thinking about sending them messages or talking to them before I go, but not strictly in a goodbye-note manner. Like just to thank them and wish them luck. Still I feel like it could be suspicious. They don't know much about my problems since I mostly keep to myself. They have their own mental and physical health issues, much more serious than mine, but as far as I know they want to recover and I don't want to interfere with that.

In the end, I don't want to disturb them. I'm just sad that I can't say goodbye. I would love to hug them one last time, but they live too far away and we probably won't meet in person ever again.

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

Maye you can time your "Thank You" message to be sent a few minutes before you ctb? If you plan on doing it through SN it usually takes around 40mins from what I have heard, so maybe set the message to be sent in around 35mins marks or something? That way even if they call a welfare check on you, they can do almost nothing to interfere with your plans. But when they learn it things like "I could have saved opheus_" would probably haunt them for a while.

Tho, not notifying them by sending them anything is the probably the best way if you really don't wanna hurt them. If they learn about you within hours or days, it will be a news, a emotional one at that, but years down the line? It will just be another piece of information that will be retained in their head for a bit longer.