Venting I want to go sooner than March…

[tchaik18401893]

I had recently said I was planning to go in March. I am now at my lowest point, this past week has been dreadful. I no longer feel loved by friends and family. Every second I am awake I feel like i need to be out of sight from everybody. I feel like I need to be gone. This month, I cant go because of how stupidly busy I am. Which is stupid, because me being busy shouldnt be a reason to not kill myself. I feel like im finding excuses to not die, even though i am confident i want to. I feel like even more of a pathetic loser. I think the only thing really keeping me going is my music teacher. She doesnt even realize it but every time I see her i just feel relieved. I cant die next month though, as i dont want my mom to associate her birthday with my death. I feel trapped. I have to wait so long feeling this awful feeling of despair. I feel like a sack of skin moping around. I wish i just wasnt sad. And ive become more anxious recently because what if my sn isnt even sn? i did the blood test but it might be nitrAte. And the suicide notes. I want my family to see them immediately after my death. I dont want the police to take them. Thats stupid. UGH! I feel so frustrated… I want to cry.

 

[Dominicka]

I feel you. I'm waiting for my cat to die to ctb but I'm not sure I can hang on much longer. I wish having my SN, AEs, and benzos all ready to go and being firm in this decision would let me feel a sense of calmness, but I guess that's too much to ask in people like us. I mean, why are we here in the first place.

But yeah I get a feeling like I just can't be in this body anymore. It's physically painful at times and I just sit on the floor and cry hoping for cat's death. How awful.

 

[tchaik18401893]

I feel you. I'm waiting for my cat to die to ctb but I'm not sure I can hang on much longer. I wish having my SN, AEs, and benzos all ready to go and being firm in this decision would let me feel a sense of calmness, but I guess that's too much to ask in people like us. I mean, why are we here in the first place.

But yeah I get a feeling like I just can't be in this body anymore. It's physically painful at times and I just sit on the floor and cry hoping for cat's death. How awful.

do you have anybody to give your cat to after you ctb?

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

It sounds like it's all getting on top of you and causing you to feel overwhelmed. That's really hard. No wonder you're feeling so low.
It sounds to me like you're just heaping pressure on yourself and trying to force a time limit on yourself. You've no need to do that. This is your life, and if you so choose, your end to it. You're not on any time limit, you can do what you want to when you want to. Your decisions are your own.

 

[tchaik18401893]

It sounds like it's all getting on top of you and causing you to feel overwhelmed. That's really hard. No wonder you're feeling so low.
It sounds to me like you're just heaping pressure on yourself and trying to force a time limit on yourself. You've no need to do that. This is your life, and if you so choose, your end to it. You're not on any time limit, you can do what you want to when you want to. Your decisions are your own.

that is mostly accurate, but i just want to end my life as soon as possible while also doing what i want to do before i die. too many conflicting thoughts in my head.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

that is mostly accurate, but i just want to end my life as soon as possible while also doing what i want to do before i die. too many conflicting thoughts in my head.

Nothing straightforward about depression or suicide. I daresay conflicting thoughts are to be expected. I just hope you can find it to be a little kind to yourself. Things sound hard enough as it is.

 

[tchaik18401893]

Nothing straightforward about depression or suicide. I daresay conflicting thoughts are to be expected. I just hope you can find it to be a little kind to yourself. Things sound hard enough as it is.

thank you.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you feel so low right now. Being conflicted about what we want to do just makes things worse, which I totally understand. I was planning on doing this much later than March, but feel like today could be the right day if I fasted long enough for the SN to work. If only this stuff was easier to plan and prepare for, because that would help us a lot.

 

[Dominicka]

do you have anybody to give your cat to after you ctb?

Yes. There's my husband who loves the cat a ton. Thing is, she needs medicine three times a day and I don't trust him to properly handle that. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be stressed about this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's tiring still being here when you just want to be gone. It certainly can be awful feeling so trapped here but I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.