Venting I want to get worse

[none_of_your_biz]

This is just a vent, because i have no other place where i can spell this out without getting scolded. I want to attempt suicide but still be alive to see the reaction of others, i want to go back into prostitution and get into a toxic relationship again, get wasted and cut myself in my best friends bathroom. I know i shouldn't want it, and a part of me dosent, but i have such an overwhelming urge to self sabotage, lately all thats been on my mind is CTB but now i just want to go crazy and completely destroy my life because whats the point? It dosent matter if i do it myself, or get killed by a "customer" (in the sense of prostitution) if i tell my friends these thoughts, they will scold me, get mad at me or leave me for good, i mean one already told me she hates me, and that *it is* all my fault. I dont even know if i need comfort or advice or whatever, i want someone to be worried about me, but i also want someone that tells me how i can best destroy my life

 

[Some place nice]

I feel the same way. Its an addiction to me it this point to not be well anymore. Its more comforting thinking that I can leave this world than trying everything to stay afloat. I can't tell you the best way to destroy your life tho, sorry.

 

[none_of_your_biz]

I feel the same way. Its an addiction to me it this point to not be well anymore. Its more comforting thinking that I can leave this world than trying everything to stay afloat. I can't tell you the best way to destroy your life tho, sorry.

Exactly, i need it, i want to fuck a stranger, get high and blackout drunk

And all good, i'll find someone, theres enough abusers out there

 

[hi-okbye]

I kinda get how you feel. self sabotage just give you more reasons to confirm your reasons to ctb even more. i'll try to give two takes on this. I also get wanting to put it here because your opinions wont be accepted elsewhere.
on the first hand, self sabotage all you want. maybe the "fuck it" attitude gives you that feeling that your craving, that you just don't get anywhere else. immersing yourself in self disease. do the things you want to that no one in their right mind would do cuz you can now, and who knows maybe if you accidently get better someday, you'll have really fucking cool stories to tell. (maybe don't get too wreckless tho, you don't want cops or the law involved or ending up hospitalized.) i'm not 100% sure how to destroy your life but i have some thoughts. (i'm not promoting any of this behavior just ideas my mind spits). sh, trying a lot of new drugs (shroom, heroin, diff types of alcohol, cocaine, etc), maybe go to more parties, get risky with new ppl (js be careful), cut ties with ppl close to u then stalk them to watch them decay, maybe create a fake account to get close to ur friend as "a different person", cut them off, then watch them vent to their other friend that's actually u idk if maybe you would like that, car races, go to abandoned places, grafiti, disappoint someone, toxic relationships, cheat on ur partner, etc. idk still not promoting this stuff at all just ideas that poped in my head when trying to think of how to destroy my life
on the other hand, which is what im doing. maybe just an idea but trying to be nice to urself. if you have a ctb plan, just prepare for it and try to do things that are good for you. maybe go on a walk, help people out, volunteer, self-care, going to scenic locations. i know this sounds like im trying to get you to recover but it's not. if your determined enough to ctb, it won't change your mind. being nice to yourself might just give you closure though. knowing you enjoyed the things life has to give.

whatever you choose to do is your doing but i hope you find happiness in whatever you do <3

 

[none_of_your_biz]

I kinda get how you feel. self sabotage just give you more reasons to confirm your reasons to ctb even more. i'll try to give two takes on this. I also get wanting to put it here because your opinions wont be accepted elsewhere.
on the first hand, self sabotage all you want. maybe the "fuck it" attitude gives you that feeling that your craving, that you just don't get anywhere else. immersing yourself in self disease. do the things you want to that no one in their right mind would do cuz you can now, and who knows maybe if you accidently get better someday, you'll have really fucking cool stories to tell. (maybe don't get too wreckless tho, you don't want cops or the law involved or ending up hospitalized.) i'm not 100% sure how to destroy your life but i have some thoughts. (i'm not promoting any of this behavior just ideas my mind spits). sh, trying a lot of new drugs (shroom, heroin, diff types of alcohol, cocaine, etc), maybe go to more parties, get risky with new ppl (js be careful), cut ties with ppl close to u then stalk them to watch them decay, maybe create a fake account to get close to ur friend as "a different person", cut them off, then watch them vent to their other friend that's actually u idk if maybe you would like that, car races, go to abandoned places, grafiti, disappoint someone, toxic relationships, cheat on ur partner, etc. idk still not promoting this stuff at all just ideas that poped in my head when trying to think of how to destroy my life
on the other hand, which is what im doing. maybe just an idea but trying to be nice to urself. if you have a ctb plan, just prepare for it and try to do things that are good for you. maybe go on a walk, help people out, volunteer, self-care, going to scenic locations. i know this sounds like im trying to get you to recover but it's not. if your determined enough to ctb, it won't change your mind. being nice to yourself might just give you closure though. knowing you enjoyed the things life has to give.

whatever you choose to do is your doing but i hope you find happiness in whatever you do <3

Thank you so much for your nice words, and even more for the good ideas, i'll make suee not to get in legal trouble and shit but i'll probably start looking for customers to start, that alone can fuck you up a lot, and get me into more toxic relationship and shit

 

[hi-okbye]

Thank you so much for your nice words

if that's what makes you happy then go for it. and of course yw. i wish you the best in your journey. i didn't wanna lecture you on not doing stuff like that because something tells me you've had enough of that. we are always here to support you in whatever you do <3

 

[none_of_your_biz]

You're really sweet, thank you sm <3

 

[drownll]

Don't do it
When you're impulsive you don't consider the consequences
You might end up in jail, psych ward or homeless and be forced to live in worse constant daily suffering without means to CTB.