I want to get better but something tells me to get worse

[Sunoo]

I see everyone achieving their dreams and being happy while I'm here thinking of how I'm going to ctb. It's worse because I'm even scared to do ctb as I'm not sure what will happen in the afterlife. Is there a hell? heaven? is there just nothing? I feel so stuck and every time I think I want to try and get better and achieve my past goals something in me forces me to stay put, like I can't move I'm just filled with guilt whenever I wake up, unable to get up to do something as simple as using the toilet. Maybe I wish I did not have to ctb , I wish I did not exist to begin with or died when I was in the womb, I wish my old attempts worked or that I put more pressure into it

 

[loneliness0]

It must feel exhausting feeling stuck and tired to do anything everyday.

As of what happens after we die - do you think there different result depending if you ctb or die from illness/old age?

 

[bridgegirl]

"I want to get better but something tells me to get worse."

That's the fucking realest.

Think I'll blaze out in a glorious swath of self-destruction and make everyone I know hate me. Then they can move on quicker.