Venting I want to feel sad but i cant please break make me feel bad

[hikikomori]

my unrisiprocated crush has been feeling stressed out and dosent want to talk to me tilll they feel better
i was feeling like sh*t till a week after they said that havent responded in about a month but that un recipricated love is why i wan to ctb now i just dont know

i have the logical reasons to kill myself ie im a fat pig, ugly as f i have no motivation, im smart but cant work for anyone, and i have really low self esteem , i also am a recluse i leave home only twice a week because i have 2. idont have any friends Xcept u guys thanks <3

but now i dont evan have tho motivation to ctb i liked being sad it gave me a porpose and it let me self pitty and ignore my crumbling life but now i lost thsat 2 i dont like anything literally anything now iwatch tv and anime to kill time. being sad was comfortable it wa warm it was safe, now i lie around and dont know i cant evan be botherd to make this ligible despite this being the only meaningfull thing in my life

im writing this and it makes me sound miserable but im not imm just bored Why please somone hurt me or kill me its so uncomfurtable

 

[hikikomori]

im a lazey judgy looser who is such a looser i cant evan kill myself

 

[hikikomori]

im evan doing some bullshit stunt here where im trieng to be gender neutral for somereason fu** me

 

[hikikomori]

evan when i was barley able to get out of bed, i was biulding robots and stuff now i just sit arround and twiddle my thumbs im an honeer roll student but its meaningless

 

[hikikomori]

ishould rename this hikki goes more insane

 

[Schopenhauer]

Are you drunk? :P

Don't worry about the sadness, it'll come back. It's a sneaky bastard.

 

[TiredHorse]

I know what you mean. I've had times --weeks on end-- of such acute agony I can't leave the house, can't make it an hour without screaming aloud, when I know it's time to ctb and I rage at the trivial shit that delays me. Then I slip into a place like where I am now, where the acute pain has burned everything to ash and I'm numb, all dead inside; agony-lava flowing beneath a charred crust of black emotional rock. I know the acute pain is there, hot and hellish, and I dread its inevitable eruption back to the surface, but I have trouble finding the incentive to actually ctb. The numbness is in some ways worse than the pain, like tumbling weightless in an emotional void, unable to orient myself to go in any direction --live, ctb, something else... I'm hoping to ctb tomorrow night, but right now, numb/dead, emotionally charred over, spinning in the void, I don't know if I can do it.

I wish I could give you something to work with, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself.