Venting i want to die right now, tonight, in any way possible

[monetpompo]

i broke down in front of my friend tonight because i was trying to do the "final goodbye" (i don't plan on being alive in december for him to visit during christmas), but i couldn't handle it. i just wanted to jump out of the car and run into the grass while he was driving but he kept on telling me to not do it because he wanted to drive me back home and it was raining. i wish i didn't hang out with him today. i should've kept on laying in bed. i didn't deserve to see him. i wasn't even well dressed because i didn't expect him to want to hang out with me. i'm terrible at saying goodbye. i didn't want him to drive away.

i just want to die so that the pain stops. i want to hang myself or drown myself or jump from a bridge but none of these methods are easy. i can't uber to a bridge because i don't know how i can get dropped off when it's just a really long highway. i can't get my license, so i can't go to my ctb location on my own. i struggle a lot with hanging, so i might just go home if i try to uber to the woods. that leaves drowning myself. i can drown in sylvan beach or galveston beach. the water will be cold. i don't know how to swim, so i think that it would be really easy to drown. i barely know how to keep my head above water, and i know that the beaches are open for 24 hours. i just need to do something.

i want to die. i wish that i could die. i don't want to see tomorrow and i want to attempt today. don't write stuff about how i need to calm down because i don't care. i don't know why i posted this. i just want someone to know how i feel. i think that no matter what happens i'm going to die, but i wish i could do it today so that i don't have to remember tonight. i hated tonight. i hate that i wanted to keep hanging out with my friend forever when i know i'm going to kill myself. i wish he would hate me and leave me behind. why couldn't he have made it easier? why did it have to be so hard?

 

[chudeatte]

drowning is a scary thing and it isnt exactly quick. you probably already knew that anyway, but really think about it. it sounds like there's a lot on your mind and I know exactly how it feels to think you'll do it tonight when everything seems terrible. nothing really matters in that moment except death, not even the ways in which you'll achieve it. tonight has been a terrible night for me too. I hope you at least find some comfort in knowing you're not the only one feeling terrible and I really hope tonight gets better for you whatever decision you make

 

[monetpompo]

nothing really matters in that moment except death, not even the ways in which you'll achieve it. tonight has been a terrible night for me too. I hope you at least find some comfort in knowing you're not the only one feeling terrible and I really hope tonight gets better for you whatever decision you make

my stomach hurts, i'm dehydrated, i have a headache, and i kind of just feel like i'm going crazy. my period has genuinely made me want to kill myself all week. my stomach has hurt the entire day, but the nausea and tightness gets worse when i feel anxious. it's like it's trying to close itself up completely. thanks for writing a comment. i'm still thinking about drowning myself, but i looked at pictures of bichon frise poodles and felt a little happier because i think they're so cute. i really do appreciate you leaving a comment for me even though this post looks and feels so attention seeking and stupid. i can't tell you how many times i've thought, "i'm doing it tonight!! i can't take it anymore!!" then waking up tomorrow in absolute shame. it's embarrassing to want to die so much just to not do it. i just can't take this feeling anymore. i don't want to feel so sad and anxious over everything.

 

[monetpompo]

i woke up. i want to kill myself again. i could try to do it before the sun comes up, and no one would know. if i were to go the beach right now, the water would be cold and it would be raining, but i think that i would definitely die if i tried going into the water right now.

i'm thinking of cutting off all my friends rather than trying to do a final goodbye with them, because i don't think i'm actually capable of saying goodbye to anyone without feeling extremely sad. i don't want to say goodbye to anyone because i like all my friends, but even if i don't kill myself all my friends are going to move away to different colleges and live somewhere where i can't see them. and it'll be even harder for me to hang out with them. the other day, i was trying to write a farewell note to someone and i couldn't, because i didn't want them to leave. i don't like how everything's changing and how everyone's drifting apart from me while i stay the same. i can't really take it. it's all so painful and unfamiliar. i keep imagining me being sad before the pain even starts.

i don't think the christmas party is happening, because it's getting so hard to plan things when only 1 person can drive. i'm kind of sick of only texting them too, since i only have enough things in common with one of my friends in the friend group and don't have anything in common with the other two people. one of the people in the friend group just vents to me whenever i try to send her a normal message and it pisses me off because i don't actually care about what she's dealing with when i have my own problems. she always does that and it pisses me off. maybe i'm just a piece of shit for thinking like that.

i haven't been able to tell anyone just how bad things have gotten for me. my feelings are too heavy to be able to talk about them with anyone in my life. i feel really ashamed that i'm still alive. i wish i didn't go to sleep when i should've just killed myself before waking up. i attempted full suspension in my closet again but i couldn't get off the stool and just choked and gagged while standing on top of it. i don't want to be told that i'm not serious about suicide when i really do think about it every day and i really do want to kill myself. sometimes it feels like the only thing i have left to look forward to in my life anymore is killing myself.

trying to hang myself made my throat all scratchy. i hate being so acutely aware that i could kill myself right now and making no effort to do it because i think that i would fail. i had tabs open about parking garages, bridges, and beaches before i went to sleep. since bridges and beaches are open for 24 hours i can go whenever i want, but they're both equally far away. i still don't know how i'm supposed to jump off a bridge that's connected to the highway when the car doesn't have anywhere to pull over. i tried to research the night night method but i don't think it works at all. i'm tired of being such a coward. my whole life is falling apart. i don't want to be here anymore. i want everything to stop. i hate the way i look and i hate the way i act. i hate how desperately i don't want things to change. everything's changing and i have nothing i feel happy about.

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I'm ready to leave too. It's so unfair because we are really good persons here.
I wish you peace wathever you decide

 

[monetpompo]

we are really good persons here.

i don't believe that we're good people, but i guess i get what you mean. we're just suicidal.

 

[monetpompo]

i'm laying in bed again. this is all i have the strength to do anymore. i'm going to attempt soon. tomorrow? next week? i don't know. i just have nothing to do with my life anymore. i said goodbye to him, and that's kind of all that i needed to do. now i can kill myself whenever and i won't have anything on my plate. i don't see anything when i think about the future. i just see loneliness and the same hollowness that makes me doubt whether everyone is just lying to me or not. i want to cut off all of my friends and burrow in the ground than have to face the reality of my existence. no one wants me. i'm too desperate. i have no hobbies. i just sit and i think about how miserable i am.

this isn't living. i keep closing my eyes and imagining me dying. i'm tired of all of this suffering, even if my life is easy. i don't want to open my eyes again. i don't know why i keep waking up. i feel really whiny and stupid. i don't want to have a mental disorder anymore. i don't think i care about any of my friends anymore because i think that me acting bummed out even if i don't tell them is only going to burden them. there's no one who cares about how i feel because i literally always feel like this.