Venting I want to die. I want to live

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I know the title sounds controversial, any pro lifers out there don't even bother. It's impersonal to just hear "why don't you seek help?" so I don't need opinions or suggestions on that "your life is beautiful" bs.

I fell asleep on call with my s/o but I had an urge to hang up, I really can't sleep and the paranoia and overthinking is coming back to me. i almost had an attack this morning and even though I found myself distracted and feeling better it always comes back to me later on. I feel even more guilty because of how close I've been to my s/o lately, and they keep refusing on leaving my side because they know of my late suicidal tendencies. im in physical pain all the time and I feel like I'm being chokeheld, my guts wrench in nervousness and guilt, and my head is flooded with all the bad stuff. I sh a lot lately by making my nose bleed and end up wiping it everywhere, it helps me somehow. but yet again I think about all the beautiful moments with my s/o and just want to cry, because I really can't handle it anymore even though I'm so loved, and even though they ground me I can't help but feel so sad in the end.

 

[Memoka]

There is nothing controversial in the title. 90% of suicidal people think the same. (At least i think so)

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

There is nothing controversial in the title. 90% of suicidal people think the same. (At least i think so)

yeah I've seen it lots, just meant as in I don't want pro lifers bombarding me with positive stuff rn..

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

i want to live but i want to die as well, it feels like im stuck in purgatory. Unfortunately i think the suicide part of me will win eventually.

 

[w@yn3sw0rld]

I'm always just wanted the peace of death, I wish I could just be asleep forever without dying, like being in a coma, but I'm pretty sure there are no ways to induce a coma

 

[Memoka]

I am very glad that you have a loving person next to you. After all.
And even if it becomes completely unbearable, remember and appreciate the time spent with him.
We only have our memory,
if you sort it out.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I'm always just wanted the peace of death, I wish I could just be asleep forever without dying, like being in a coma, but I'm pretty sure there are no ways to induce a coma

I know the feeling of that urge, I know taking poor self of my c. illness I have can result in a coma, I just haven't tried it because it's far too slow and painful, last time I did I caught diseases bc of weakened immune system and it wasn't fun , anyways sending hugs x

I am very glad that you have a loving person next to you. After all.
And even if it becomes completely unbearable, remember and appreciate the time spent with him.
We only have our memory,
if you sort it out.

I just hope he doesn't forget about me if I decide to ctb, but at the same time I don't think he could bear it, and the thought of him suffering saddens me. I'll forever cherish our memories, whatever happens.

 

[veimi]

I feel the same way and I don't know what to do neither. =(

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation where you suffer so much. Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it must be tiring what you have to endure.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation where you suffer so much. Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it must be tiring what you have to endure.

it is really painful

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm a lot like that too. Some days, I feel like I do want to live still, even if it's just for a short little while, but every other day I want to die. It sucks being stuck in between doing those things and going nowhere.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I'm a lot like that too. Some days, I feel like I do want to live still, even if it's just for a short little while, but every other day I want to die. It sucks being stuck in between doing those things and going nowhere.

it really does suck

 

[CellarBoy]

This entire situation is extremely difficult to make. I understand how it is, I'm kinda in that situation right now. But eventually, you'll be able to make it, just list the pros and cons, and go with whatever decision is best for you.

 

[Dying Alive 00]

I would rather be in a position to want to live and have good reasons for it. But I'm not, and I don't. I didn't sit down one day and decide to go down the path of wanting to die. Other than a handful of poor decisions on my part over the years, life and other people around me decided it for me. I only exist now anyway so it's not like I'm giving up on an actual life.