4
43721
Member
- Jan 2, 2020
- 11
I want to die every day of my life.When I wake up,my first thought is "oh shit,not again".I've tried to kill myself in the past by inhaling solvents when I was a teenager,I've spent years researching methods,but I don't want to have to kill myself.I want to just be dead already or to have never been born in the first place.Why do I have to end my life when I shouldn't have even been born?How is it fair that I have to spend the rest of my life with anxiety,depression,suicidal thoughts and struggling just to do the basic things to keep myself alive,just because my parents decided that they wanted to bring life into this fucked up world.Now I'm an adult and responsible for my own life apparently.I've never even felt like a person.I feel like a ghost,like my only purpose is to watch other people live and wonder why I can't be like them.I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic,and I've lived an extremely isolated life,I have no family besides my parents,never been in a relationship,I have no friends,and now I'm realising that when I thought life would never get better,I was right.I should have tried harder to commit suicide when I was younger,now I'm an adult,I'm much less impulsive and I think too much and talk myself out of it all the time.I'm scared that I will try to lull myself and I will be left brain damaged or paralysed and have to live like that for the rest of my life.I know it sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself,maybe I am,but I just wish that I didn't have to kill myself,I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.