Venting I want to die, but I don‘t want to die, but I want to die, but…!!!! (flipping a coin in life)

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I have BPD, Bipolar and CPTSD. (And a lot of other stuff…)

Its heavy, it really is. Those switches from manic to depressiv to manic to depressiv to a bit stable, then depressiv… flashbacks, selfharm, angry, depressed, manic, depressed, angry, sad, depressed (…)

Its a never ending cycle… help.

 

[AltF4Mylife]

I'm bipolar too

 

[rs929]

I have unipolar depression and sometimes I want to die and sometimes don't

 

[venerated-vader]

bipolar is fucking horrific. vacillating between wanting to do things and feeling good and powerful and productive to being incapable of getting out of bed is the worst shit i can think of. like if it was just depression, hey, at least i could manage it. even if i choose to stick around. or if its pure unfettered mania at least i can put stuff in place in between episodes so i can stay stable. but no, its gotta be the endless fucking cycle of 'maybe i'm getting better' to 'maybe i should die' to 'maybe i'll sign up for 60 billion responsibilities only to realize that no, i'm still a depressed sack of shit who is incapable of maintaining even the barest shred of consistency long term'.

I feel ya.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I have unipolar depression and sometimes I want to die and sometimes don't

I totallllyyyy agree with you.

Literally yesterday I wanted to commit.
In the morning I was so fuckn happy with my life. I thought "omg, its so good rn" and now I just want to die again and I know 1000% when I wake up tmr I will either want to die or spend all my money. xD

bipolar is fucking horrific. vacillating between wanting to do things and feeling good and powerful and productive to being incapable of getting out of bed is the worst shit i can think of. like if it was just depression, hey, at least i could manage it. even if i choose to stick around. or if its pure unfettered mania at least i can put stuff in place in between episodes so i can stay stable. but no, its gotta be the endless fucking cycle of 'maybe i'm getting better' to 'maybe i should die' to 'maybe i'll sign up for 60 billion responsibilities only to realize that no, i'm still a depressed sack of shit who is incapable of maintaining even the barest shred of consistency long term'.

I feel ya.

This is so fuckn relateable… wow…

Like 100%. Its horrific af.
Because today I was so happy, 1h later I wanted to die and planned to buy my stuff.

Then I went to work, was even more depressed but then it got better somehow because I am working on smth and create smth but now… idk, just depressed.

And thats been going on for YEARS. But now even STRONGER than ever, even if I am officially out of puberty. xd (19)

What the heally, what the hell…

 

[venerated-vader]

I totallllyyyy agree with you.

Literally yesterday I wanted to commit.
In the morning I was so fuckn happy with my life. I thought "omg, its so good rn" and now I just want to die again and I know 1000% when I wake up tmr I will either want to die or spend all my money. xD

This is so fuckn relateable… wow…

Like 100%. Its horrific af.
Because today I was so happy, 1h later I wanted to die and planned to buy my stuff.

Then I went to work, was even more depressed but then it got better somehow because I am working on smth and create smth but now… idk, just depressed.

And thats been going on for YEARS. But now even STRONGER than ever, even if I am officially out of puberty. xd (19)

What the heally, what the hell…

relatable af. honestly like 18-21 was a weeeeird time for me. I still felt like a kid, but I had the responsibilities of an adult, for the most part. Like a job, actual bills to pay for, a shitload of freedom re: college (since i was able to go) and independence i'd never had before, but i had no clue how to manage it. But i wasn't a 'full adult' becuase there's plenty of things that are 21+ that excluded me from a lot of the social shit people did, so it was this weird balance between being too old / mature to be a kid, and too young / immature to be a true 'adult'. It's a difficult transitional period for everyone i guess, but bipolar disorder has to come in with the bullshit and make it worse for no fkin reason.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

relatable af. honestly like 18-21 was a weeeeird time for me. I still felt like a kid, but I had the responsibilities of an adult, for the most part. Like a job, actual bills to pay for, a shitload of freedom re: college (since i was able to go) and independence i'd never had before, but i had no clue how to manage it. But i wasn't a 'full adult' becuase there's plenty of things that are 21+ that excluded me from a lot of the social shit people did, so it was this weird balance between being too old / mature to be a kid, and too young / immature to be a true 'adult'. It's a difficult transitional period for everyone i guess, but bipolar disorder has to come in with the bullshit and make it worse for no fkin reason.

Agree - ohhh I am gonnna drift away a bit.

My parents live so far,
I also pay my rent since 16, I work, I need to cook for myself, laundry… I am actually an adult since 16, that's a crazy time, ngl. But I had no chance when I wanted to survive.

Since I am 19 now, I feel like I grew A LOT.

Last year when I got to be 18 I was 4 Months in a psych ward. I learned so much - what to do with stress, how to skill, how to feel emotions and sort them, talk about my eating disorder bulimia, my SA which took place in october last year and alllllll that stuff.

And it's so scary… Now I feel like I just grew up! I am an adult…
But also in the perspective of pro-choice. Since I am on this forum it's scary how many people ACTUALLY understand someone.

Now (You and) I know how to die. Now everything is so more light. Having the chance to end it all is so… free-ing.

When I was 13 and I had my first "AtTtemPT" I didn't know how to die. I never wanted to. Maybe now I don't even want to… I don't know. I don't know anything.

But whats going on with my illness… man, I am chroniclly ill. Forever. Like Forever I will stuck with this bullshit….

Everyday I have 200 different emotions.. Angry, Sad, Empty, Excitement bla bla…bla… I feel everything and want to die. My body is stricing off how much trauma and pain it holds???

Ugh-

 

[spero_meliora]

recently posted a venting thread just about how much bipolar kicks me in the teeth. it's entirely unfair how just because of some fucked brain chemistry we oscillate, even when we do everything right. you can go from never feeling so alive in years to despondency in the blink of an eye, it's cruel.

you ever need to vent about it, my dms are open.

 

[socksnsandles]

totally okay to want to live. take time with your decision. wish you the best on your journey

 

[GettingGone]

I have BPD, Bipolar and CPTSD. (And a lot of other stuff…)

Its heavy, it really is. Those switches from manic to depressiv to manic to depressiv to a bit stable, then depressiv… flashbacks, selfharm, angry, depressed, manic, depressed, angry, sad, depressed (…)

Its a never ending cycle… help.

I'm in the same terrible loop. One day I'm okay and I'm ok with the possibility of a life past 25, and the next I'm livid I haven't ctb already. It's like playing with my emotions. The false hope of feeling okay and somewhat regulated to the rapid fall into mania and chaos... it's too much. It's too damn much.

 

[Pale_Rider]

That's such a hard one. Been there. No words can do that postition justice.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I'm in the same terrible loop. One day I'm okay and I'm ok with the possibility of a life past 25, and the next I'm livid I haven't ctb already. It's like playing with my emotions. The false hope of feeling okay and somewhat regulated to the rapid fall into mania and chaos... it's too much. It's too damn much.

Agree Agree, has been a lot.

 

[Nightfoot]

My new psychiatrist (I've only seen her twice) thinks I'm Bipolar II but I'm not sure if I agree. I've had three depressive episodes (that includes my current one)severe enough to leave me mostly bedbound and contributed to a couple of failed attempts. The episodes have gotten longer and worse each time (a year and a half, then three years and this one has dragged on for nine months so far.) My periods of stability has been about four years each time. I mentioned there was a few months a couple of years ago where I was more positive, creative and productive than my baseline but I didn't know if that was hypomania or increased confidence due to doing so well in grad school plus the fact that every year I seem to have a spike in creativity that lasts a month or two. Lengthy, severe and treatment resistant depression is a nightmare and I've been back and forth on whether I want to CBT or not. Dying by your own hand is a heavy thing to consider (probably the heaviest.) I would imagine the frequent and severe changes in mood is its own brand of hell. It's not fair, none of this is. I guess life isn't either, but most people don't have it this bad. I hope we all can find some peace.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

C-PTSD here, and yeah it sucks. Really does. I'm sorry you are going through relentless ups and downs.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

My new psychiatrist (I've only seen her twice) thinks I'm Bipolar II but I'm not sure if I agree. I've had three depressive episodes (that includes my current one)severe enough to leave me mostly bedbound and contributed to a couple of failed attempts. The episodes have gotten longer and worse each time (a year and a half, then three years and this one has dragged on for nine months so far.) My periods of stability has been about four years each time. I mentioned there was a few months a couple of years ago where I was more positive, creative and productive than my baseline but I didn't know if that was hypomania or increased confidence due to doing so well in grad school plus the fact that every year I seem to have a spike in creativity that lasts a month or two. Lengthy, severe and treatment resistant depression is a nightmare and I've been back and forth on whether I want to CBT or not. Dying by your own hand is a heavy thing to consider (probably the heaviest.) I would imagine the frequent and severe changes in mood is its own brand of hell. It's not fair, none of this is. I guess life isn't either, but most people don't have it this bad. I hope we all can find some peace.

I totally agree…. I just have def. been chronicly depressed since 11 so that is def. a thing…
Sometimes I am just so over the top, spending lots of money etc.

Yes and dying by your own hand is really heavy. Currently I don't ACTUALLY want to CTB. My illnesses have been really quite.

C-PTSD here, and yeah it sucks. Really does. I'm sorry you are going through relentless ups and downs.

Sorry you also have to go through it, wish you the best love

 

[dendritedandruff]

bipolar 2 and bpd, the swings between "i want to ctb NOW" and "i should just put it off" are really tough. the side effects of the meds are such a close second too, and they basically tell you to ignore them even if it gets really bad because there's a chance of it reducing mania.

I really wish I had good advice but I unfortunately can only offer sympathy :(

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

bipolar 2 and bpd, the swings between "i want to ctb NOW" and "i should just put it off" are really tough. the side effects of the meds are such a close second too, and they basically tell you to ignore them even if it gets really bad because there's a chance of it reducing mania.

I really wish I had good advice but I unfortunately can only offer sympathy :(

Thank you Love, sympathy helps and is enough. I dont want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But I think I'm on a good way.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Sending love, sorry for the pain you are suffering

 

[deadmanwalking1990]

And people say God is good.Man,if there is a God people like us have a lot to say to him,but seeing this fucked up world,its hard to think there is one