i want to ctb

[livinginsorrow]

hi,
this is my first thread but i've been wanting to post about this for a while.
i feel like i'm near the end of my rope. i'm only 19, but i have a 7 month old daughter. i love her more than anything but i also hate being a mum. i hate having to get up everyday and look after someone else, when i can barely look after myself. i hate the sleepless nights and long days. i hate having to function as apart of society for the sake of someone else. i know it's my fault i have her, and i really do treasure her - i just didn't think about it fully. and now i'm here. now i'm stuck for the next 18 years putting on a fake smile, trying to conform to living properly. if i had it my way, i wouldn't be a mum and i'd sleep in, id go partying, id be free. but im trapped. and it's no one's fault but my own.
sometimes i feel so trapped in my life that i think the only answer is ctb. i know there are other options, but the reality is im tired and don't want to try anymore. i don't want to keep going. i think i might ctb soon.

 

[Division Day]

I know it will be hard, especially with other people's reaction, but if you think you might be okay without being a mum is it worth trying adoption first and then ctb if things are still unbearable?

I can't imagine how hard this must be. I hope you can find a way to get peace.

 

[livinginsorrow]

I know it will be hard, especially with other people's reaction, but if you think you might be okay without being a mum is it worth trying adoption first and then ctb if things are still unbearable?

I can't imagine how hard this must be. I hope you can find a way to get peace.

i don't think adoption is possible. i have a bad relationship with her father (i only knew him briefly) and now he's fighting me for custody. i don't feel my daughters safe with him but know she's not safe with me with the way i am. if i were to do adoption he'd have some say though i'm not sure of the specifics. plus, my mums a pretty involved grandparent. there's no way she'd let me. trapped.

 

[gardenfairy]

you said your mum is quite involved, is there any way you could tell her you're feeling overwhelmed and ask for some more help? or any charities you can reach out to for young/single parents? i don't know what your mum's situation is of course but maybe she could take a morning or two so you can have at least one lie in a week or a night so that you can have a night out? sorry to hear what you're going through :(

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I understand you and that you are in a very difficult and tiring situation with only 19 but who will care for your daughter when you are not there any more? Who will tell her later that her mum CTBed? Will she have a better life without you?

Whatever you decide is your own decision but I think your daughter should be the one who should suffer the least bc she wasn't asked to be here. She's here now and she deserves the best what is possible imo until she 's grown up and can manage her own life.

Would you have support from your parents/grandma/grandpa other options?

I hope there's a good solution for both of you.

 

[livinginsorrow]

you said your mum is quite involved, is there any way you could tell her you're feeling overwhelmed and ask for some more help? or any charities you can reach out to for young/single parents? i don't know what your mum's situation is of course but maybe she could take a morning or two so you can have at least one lie in a week or a night so that you can have a night out? sorry to hear what you're going through :(

i appreciate your message <3. she takes her occasionally but never often because she studies and works. she kinda guilts me anytime i ask for help. even if she did take her for a day or two, i don't think it'd be enough. i don't think anything will ever be good enough.

I understand you and that you are in a very difficult and tiring situation with only 19 but who will care for your daughter when you are not there any more? Who will tell her later that her mum CTBed? Will she have a better life without you?

Whatever you decide is your own decision but I think your daughter should be the one who should suffer the least bc she wasn't asked to be here. She's here now and she deserves the best what is possible imo until she 's grown up and can manage her own life.

Would you have support from your parents/grandma/grandpa other options?

I hope there's a good solution for both of you.

realistically i can't ctb while she's in my care and young. which really breaks my heart because i'm forced to be strong for her. but you're right, she should suffer the least. which is why i wont ctb and why i'll be a good parent. i will push through the pain for her. i don't really have other support for her unfortunately.