Help I want to ctb even though life has been peaceful recently.

[Iwanttoenditplease]

Hello, new comer here. In the past I have attempted different methods because of abuse, bullying, and there being no one to rely on. But as I mentioned, I've been having peaceful days without the abuser in the house, and by transferring schools. Friends also have told me to rely on them. And I know it's really selfish, but I still want to end it. I keep hoping that they finally turn their backs on me, and just let me leave. I'm not sure about this feeling, and I can't tell anyone about it. I was hoping the people here would share their opinions about this.

 

[SilentSadness]

Ctb could never be a selfish act, we don't owe ourselves to anyone and should be able to freely choose when we exit. We are going to die anyway so there is no reason why dying from old age is better than ctb, in fact it just sounds horrendous to me. The abuse you've had to endure sounds so unnecessary and unfair and I hope that your situation improves.

 

[Gaga786]

Hello, new comer here. In the past I have attempted different methods because of abuse, bullying, and there being no one to rely on. But as I mentioned, I've been having peaceful days without the abuser in the house, and by transferring schools. Friends also have told me to rely on them. And I know it's really selfish, but I still want to end it. I keep hoping that they finally turn their backs on me, and just let me leave. I'm not sure about this feeling, and I can't tell anyone about it. I was hoping the people here would share their opinions about this.

Hi,i hope you're doing well. Firstly, I understand your situation profoundly because im in a homogenous situation as well. Yes, life has been peaceful, but what you endured always haunts you, and it causes you to feel alienated. It'll always make you or break you. Life has improved for me in some ways; however, I always catch myself ruminating about my past and wishing if things had been differently. Secondly, if there is anything I can do to help,please feel free to message me. Wishing you the best! :)

 

[Remeer]

Hello, welcome, I hope you like the forum
It is difficult to improve if the abuser is in your home, regarding that: have you tried any solution such as leaving the place or reporting the abuse?
If you have friends you can trust and talk to, you could talk about suicide and the situation of abuse you are experiencing, some interesting idea might come up.
If you are living quiet moments, it would be good to enjoy them
If you want to be alone stay alone, if they are your friends they will understand in time
greetings

 

[Lament]

I think similarly to Gaga on this one. We're never not condemned to ourselves, and we've been the only true spectators that's seen everything we've ever done, and everything that's ever happened to us in our life. Even when things are going our way at the moment, the baggage of every preceding moment of our lives is still in our thoughts and has shaped who we presently are, and how we see ourselves in our current circumstance. So when we are doing better, especially only soon after we were doing much worse, a bunch of weird emotions and feelings can result. Maybe imposter syndrome, guilt, undeservingness, confusion, frustration, unfairness, or maybe even a general apathy. If you're looking for any subjective advice, in my own experience and opinion I might offer that you try narrowing your vision to the immediate present and continuing to recognize the value in the things that are going well for you.

Regardless, my sympathies for the traumas you've endured in the past, and I wish you the best of luck in finding peace. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, suicide is a personal decision that can only be made by the individual, there could never be anything wrong with deciding to exit this hellish world, it's up to you. But it really is so awful how we exist in a world where humans create so much harm, it's certainly disgusting how many people make the existences of others much worse.

 

[Iwanttoenditplease]

Ctb could never be a selfish act, we don't owe ourselves to anyone and should be able to freely choose when we exit. We are going to die anyway so there is no reason why dying from old age is better than ctb, in fact it just sounds horrendous to me. The abuse you've had to endure sounds so unnecessary and unfair and I hope that your situation improves.

My situation did improve, and I'm glad of that, it's just that my mind hasn't :'>

Hi,i hope you're doing well. Firstly, I understand your situation profoundly because im in a homogenous situation as well. Yes, life has been peaceful, but what you endured always haunts you, and it causes you to feel alienated. It'll always make you or break you. Life has improved for me in some ways; however, I always catch myself ruminating about my past and wishing if things had been differently. Secondly, if there is anything I can do to help,please feel free to message me. Wishing you the best! :)

Thank you! I can say the same for you too. I think helping each other will make it better, but idk I just feel so lost about this.

Hello, welcome, I hope you like the forum
It is difficult to improve if the abuser is in your home, regarding that: have you tried any solution such as leaving the place or reporting the abuse?
If you have friends you can trust and talk to, you could talk about suicide and the situation of abuse you are experiencing, some interesting idea might come up.
If you are living quiet moments, it would be good to enjoy them
If you want to be alone stay alone, if they are your friends they will understand in time
greetings

Greetings also to you, so far this place feels like a safe place for me.I forgot to say that the abuser have left the house, although temporarily. In the past, Every time we had a fight and I sensed danger I immediately left the house. I couldn't report her, as she played the parent card. Thank you for your advice! I often feel as if I am undeserving of this much peace honestly, probably why I don't get to enjoy things as much as I should.

I think similarly to Gaga on this one. We're never not condemned to ourselves, and we've been the only true spectators that's seen everything we've ever done, and everything that's ever happened to us in our life. Even when things are going our way at the moment, the baggage of every preceding moment of our lives is still in our thoughts and has shaped who we presently are, and how we see ourselves in our current circumstance. So when we are doing better, especially only soon after we were doing much worse, a bunch of weird emotions and feelings can result. Maybe imposter syndrome, guilt, undeservingness, confusion, frustration, unfairness, or maybe even a general apathy. If you're looking for any subjective advice, in my own experience and opinion I might offer that you try narrowing your vision to the immediate present and continuing to recognize the value in the things that are going well for you.

Regardless, my sympathies for the traumas you've endured in the past, and I wish you the best of luck in finding peace. <3

Thank you! That's exactly how I'm feeling, and I will try to follow that advice from now on. I honestly did not expect this kind of replies so I'm close to crying :'>

 

[Remeer]

Greetings also to you, so far this place feels like a safe place for me.I forgot to say that the abuser have left the house, although temporarily. In the past, Every time we had a fight and I sensed danger I immediately left the house. I couldn't report her, as she played the parent card. Thank you for your advice! I often feel as if I am undeserving of this much peace honestly, probably why I don't get to enjoy things as much as I should.

I do not find the thought of "you do not deserve peace of mind" beneficial for you, it seems to be a kind of judgment, the important issue is: why? You could think more about that, because it does not make sense if you are enjoying something and a trial comes to take away your happiness, if you are not hurting anyone or yourself, what is the problem?
I think it's surely a custom/habit, it may come from the family environment because if you say you live with an abuser, it's not surprising that this person destroys the happiness of others, including yours, creating a whole show so you believe that you don't deserve something, whatever it is

 

[Iwanttoenditplease]

I do not find the thought of "you do not deserve peace of mind" beneficial for you, it seems to be a kind of judgment, the important issue is: why? You could think more about that, because it does not make sense if you are enjoying something and a trial comes to take away your happiness, if you are not hurting anyone or yourself, what is the problem?
I think it's surely a custom/habit, it may come from the family environment because if you say you live with an abuser, it's not surprising that this person destroys the happiness of others, including yours, creating a whole show so you believe that you don't deserve something, whatever it is

Her words are engraved in my mind, it seems. I've been gaslighted so much that I can't shake this feeling off. I'm sorry for replying late, I have been feeling disconnected again. It's actually weird how I keep on switching from desiring to ctb or just enjoying life. Should I try if therapy works?

 

[sorrow_sparrow]

Her words are engraved in my mind, it seems. I've been gaslighted so much that I can't shake this feeling off. I'm sorry for replying late, I have been feeling disconnected again. It's actually weird how I keep on switching from desiring to ctb or just enjoying life. Should I try if therapy works?

I guess... switching feeling is a common happens, just enjoy the current feeling that u feel ( either desiring ctb or life ), feel free if you want to try therapy and see if its works for you, if it doesn't work, you can stop to seeing them at anytime you like... just do whatever best for you or whatever you want, I mean literally anything ( I mean that's why I am here, to have my option without judged by people ) , just anything what u think will make you feel.... you ... I guessed