Venting having potential and life goals, but wanting to CTB

[sybilsxys]

it's weird. i know that i have a lot of goals i want to accomplish within my life and i do have the potential to accomplish them, but i would rather CTB than give that to the world.

my whole life, i've been wanting to become a writer and do things related to writing, but i've realized that this isn't really a valued skill in the country/society i live in anymore (at least not in the way i want to do it). it feels like i'm still here just to appease people around me or because i have some misguided hope that things will improve. in reality, things have only continued to get worse.

i do hate a lot of aspects of my life, but i still hold on to this want to continue to do things. i feel like at this point it is just some weird extension of survival instinct because i know deep down i don't want to exist like this anymore. i just feel so lost.

 

[randal_bond]

Sounds like clinical depression to me. But do you want not to exist full stop or not to exist "like this"? If it's the second, it'll be hard for your to CTB.

 

[sybilsxys]

Sounds like clinical depression to me. But do you want not to exist full stop or not to exist "like this"? If it's the second, it'll be hard for your to CTB.

i think it's probably the second :( i've tried to CTB a lot in the past that just haven't worked out, so that would track.

i believe in reincarnation, so i just feel like i would have a better life somewhere else as something/someone else.

 

[randal_bond]

Any way to change something to have a more tolerable life? For many people, their dreams don't put bread on the table. So, they work a job that pays and do the thing they love as a hobby.