Venting I want to be gone as soon as possible

[Nuclear Gandhi]

I feel so desperate to finish everything. From logical perspective, I understand that being rush in the subject of CBT is unwise, as there could be drastic consequences. But is this life? I wake up in dread and panic, realising that I need to live another day. I imagine myself dying in different variations, then trying to distract myself from those thoughts. I dissociate as much as I can, with or without drugs. I cry hysterically, next second laughing, unable to stop without hitting myself. When night comes, I can't fall asleep - because I am afraid to wake up tomorrow. And cycle begins again. And again. And again.
People that care about me are telling that it's just a bad phase, that I will find the answers, the purpose, the meaning. That everything will be normal. That I just need to change. I don't have any energy to disagree, and truth to be told, I don't care enough. But I can't pretend that everything is okay either. It pains me so much to speak to people that I love and understand that I am a shell of a person that I was.
I am considering hanging myself tomorrow. It's not my first choice, but I can't get SN in the nearest future. But I am afraid that the last moment my SI will kick in, like it did before.
I am tired of waking up in my body, with my mind going through same cycle of thoughts. I just can't do it anymore.

 

[Meowkin]

I'm sorry you've been suffering. It's only natural to want to relieve your suffering. Whether or not you go through with it tomorrow, good luck and I hope you find peace.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I feel exactly the same, the fear of going to sleep because I don't want the feeling of waking up. When I do sleep and wake there is a feeling in my chest straight away that make me want to stab myself in the heart. I know it's not feasible as i'd never get a blade through my breast bone but I want to do it to kill whatever that feeling is. I don't want another day

 

[adios]

I feel so desperate to finish everything. From logical perspective, I understand that being rush in the subject of CBT is unwise, as there could be drastic consequences. But is this life? I wake up in dread and panic, realising that I need to live another day. I imagine myself dying in different variations, then trying to distract myself from those thoughts. I dissociate as much as I can, with or without drugs. I cry hysterically, next second laughing, unable to stop without hitting myself. When night comes, I can't fall asleep - because I am afraid to wake up tomorrow. And cycle begins again. And again. And again.
People that care about me are telling that it's just a bad phase, that I will find the answers, the purpose, the meaning. That everything will be normal. That I just need to change. I don't have any energy to disagree, and truth to be told, I don't care enough. But I can't pretend that everything is okay either. It pains me so much to speak to people that I love and understand that I am a shell of a person that I was.
I am considering hanging myself tomorrow. It's not my first choice, but I can't get SN in the nearest future. But I am afraid that the last moment my SI will kick in, like it did before.
I am tired of waking up in my body, with my mind going through same cycle of thoughts. I just can't do it anymore.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, it sounds super frustrating. Make sure that you don't rush into anything though, as that could cause problems. Regardless of what you decide to do, I hope that you find some relief.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I hear you. My plan is almost done and I feel like waiting 3 days is like wating 3 years!

 

[ghostgirl1995]

I feel the same I'm waiting for SN to arrive but it's definitely going to take awhile. I wake up dreading everyday and everything I've ever said and done.