Venting i want someone to talk me out of it like they do in the movies

[exhaustedanonymous]

i have this idealized conversation i want to have with someone where i tell them i want to die and they hold me and refuse to leave (i'd try to tell them to go, but they wouldn't) and even though minutes or maybe hours would pass they'd hold me stubbornly and not go and theyd convince me somehow that it's worth staying here and then even when they leave they'd text me to make sure i'm okay and if they don't hear from me in a while they'd ask and they'd want me around and they'd really actually mean it when they said they'd like me

it'll never happen

because in the movies and shit a moment like that will happen (i've had moments like that, i have, with a lot of different people and they were as perfect and genuine as i wanted them to be, even though in my brain if i think too long it feels like lying) and then after things will actually get better. but they wont. ill never not feel guilty for talking and ill never feel safe in my own skin and ill never find it not exhausting to be around people and ill never not be disgusted when i look in mirrors. no one wants me around and it's not their fault for that because anyone i let get close i hurt and exhaust and destroy (it's just my nature, i try so hard, ill never be able to not hurt someone)

i want to be held and made secure and comfortable and maybe cry on someones shoulder or get kissed on the forehead like a little kid and i want it to get better after that

i want that so bad that it makes me so nauseous i cant breathe

i want my stupid movie moment or a stupid movie life and i want them to get the side character suicide plotline out of the way by either having me have my stupid movie moment and then healing and then they move on to the next other characters plotline about whatever the hell or i want them to get it over with by just killing me.

please kill me, stupid movie god, please end this disgusting character arc and get me out of the fucking way. whichever main character you're making angst for has gone through it already. the audience is finding this repetitive.

kill me.

 

[alonely]

i want that too :(

 

[MBG]

I'd guess you're much more likely to find that, if you sincerely want it, in the Recovery forum:

Recovery

This place is dedicated to supporting those who are in the process of healing and overcoming suicidal thoughts. Share your journey and connect with others here.

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[feels_like_rain]

I'd love that too. I also think about being the other person. I wish i could just be there for someone i care about and make things better. Maybe because i, too, exhaust everyone i get close to and drive them away

 

[clockwork_cat]

i want to be held and made secure and comfortable and maybe cry on someones shoulder or get kissed on the forehead like a little kid and i want it to get better after that

i want that so bad that it makes me so nauseous i cant breathe

i want my stupid movie moment or a stupid movie life and i want them to get the side character suicide plotline out of the way by either having me have my stupid movie moment and then healing and then they move on to the next other characters plotline about whatever the hell or i want them to get it over with by just killing me.

please kill me, stupid movie god, please end this disgusting character arc and get me out of the fucking way. whichever main character you're making angst for has gone through it already. the audience is finding this repetitive.

i am crying

 

[brokeandbroken]

i have this idealized conversation i want to have with someone where i tell them i want to die and they hold me and refuse to leave (i'd try to tell them to go, but they wouldn't) and even though minutes or maybe hours would pass they'd hold me stubbornly and not go and theyd convince me somehow that it's worth staying here and then even when they leave they'd text me to make sure i'm okay and if they don't hear from me in a while they'd ask and they'd want me around and they'd really actually mean it when they said they'd like me

it'll never happen

because in the movies and shit a moment like that will happen (i've had moments like that, i have, with a lot of different people and they were as perfect and genuine as i wanted them to be, even though in my brain if i think too long it feels like lying) and then after things will actually get better. but they wont. ill never not feel guilty for talking and ill never feel safe in my own skin and ill never find it not exhausting to be around people and ill never not be disgusted when i look in mirrors. no one wants me around and it's not their fault for that because anyone i let get close i hurt and exhaust and destroy (it's just my nature, i try so hard, ill never be able to not hurt someone)

i want to be held and made secure and comfortable and maybe cry on someones shoulder or get kissed on the forehead like a little kid and i want it to get better after that

i want that so bad that it makes me so nauseous i cant breathe

i want my stupid movie moment or a stupid movie life and i want them to get the side character suicide plotline out of the way by either having me have my stupid movie moment and then healing and then they move on to the next other characters plotline about whatever the hell or i want them to get it over with by just killing me.

please kill me, stupid movie god, please end this disgusting character arc and get me out of the fucking way. whichever main character you're making angst for has gone through it already. the audience is finding this repetitive.

kill me.

I too want my made for tv moment. I can empathize with. Different circumstances but I understand.

For me I was the victim of crimes that robbed me of everything I ever worked for and my future. I lost my dream of being an oncologist because of a greedy polish medical school. Living? Pft I think about dying an unbelievable amount.

I dream of a moment I get that phone call, I get that email, or I walk into that room and someone goes I can help you. I will get justice for you. I'll return your life to you. You deserve it. I also know there's a very low chance of it happening not because there isn't a case but because I'm an American, I'm homeless now, and I have no support. No one is going to help me.

Living I've found out? Do it for you. Don't live for someone else. You'd be living for them. Live for yourself. That's my advice. Good probably not. But that's the best I can do.

As far as being around people? Best I can say is find something you love doing and find people through events in your area doing that same thing.

 

[wanttodie]

I'd love that too.

 

[UKscotty]

Won't happen as people don't care.

Also, saying everything will be OK is just not true. Life sucks and once you are awoken to that, you can never unknow it.