Venting I wanna do it on my birthday

[nixdust]

My birthday is in few days, 9th of October. I really feel like offing myself this very moment, it itches me with strong desire to just hurt myself in the most awful ways.

Thoughts rush through my mind, nothing puts it at ease.

I attempted before but I think it needs to be planned to work. I want hope, but I'm also exhausted. I wanna do it on my birthday..

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand the temptation and I don't know what your family situation is but CTBing on your birthday will just make the grief much worse.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

Birthdays, despite as lonely as your cynical self like to think that no one cares about you on your birthday... is still the day people wish birthday and ask questions and think about you, so you are more likely to get caught on that day too. What Also @LaVieEnRose said, it would make grief worse on your family and loved once if you off yourself on your bday

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering but anyway I wish you the best, existing here truly can be so dreadful and I hate how it isn't more straightforward to finally leave this existence.

 

[nixdust]

It makes me feel sick to my stomach to know I'll have to live another year, enduring everything that life carries with it. I just want to leave and be with god, or just seize to exist if that's a possibility.

I want to do it on my birthday so I'd finish my time, on time. Not a day more or a day less. I want to leave, and ease being a burden on anyone.

I hate how I constantly feel like a burden, I felt like a burden even when I was admitted in the psych ward. I was so afraid of being a burden on the nurses, I'd help them with the other patients. They still wanted me to leave, because they thought I was fine.

I'm not fine, why would you ask me to leave? I wanna leave too. Trust me, I want to leave it all.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to do it, that I'd get into an accident or just suddenly die of a heart attack, pass on in my sleep.

Is my death going to be a burden too? Well, I won't have to worry about it if I'm gone, no consciousness to torture me.

I question when the clock would stop ticking, not because I'm ready to face god, but because I'm so exhausted from putting effort and caring, or even feeling like a constant burden. I never fit in. I'm never good enough. I feel like a constant waste of space and time, wasting resources, that I'm also hyper aware of all the time.

The people who knew, and were there, they resent me for my attempt. They hate how I was going to leave, that I wanted to leave. Can't I at least have that? They resent visiting or calling when I was in the ward.

I did not know of this until many months after, I'm still trying to digest it.

I keep saying my depression is subsiding, but I think I keep saying that because I am able to function well enough for others to believe its getting better.

One family member fought with me few weeks ago, said I should have really been gone that day. I believe it. I agreed the moment that was said.

It's almost as if, when I was admitted, they wanted to prove to themselves that they are better human beings. They are good.

I'm glad for them, they get to feel that. I can't feel that towards myself, and I wish I learnt how, maybe that would have made my life easier..