Venting I understand now

[Ijustcantanymore]

Why loneliness makes people want to kill themselves. This is awful. I'm so lonely I'm in physical pain. I just want to die right this second. The worst part, is there is no way to fix this. There is just no way for me to meet new people. Especially from my own community.

I'm just going to be lonely until I die I guess. Great.

 

[NutORat]

If that gives any comfort at all - there are millions of lonely people here on the internet, so many who can't make irl connections, or for whom it is so difficult they might as well not try again. So, I guess the internet is the only way for people like us to "get closer" with others. It's not a full substitute for real life connections, but you can't be picky, right?

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

If that gives any comfort at all - there are millions of lonely people here on the internet, so many who can't make irl connections, or for whom it is so difficult they might as well not try again. So, I guess the internet is the only way for people like us to "get closer" with others. It's not a full substitute for real life connections, but you can't be picky, right?

You would think so. Right? Not my brain. My brain doesn't allow long-distance relationships. Those are even more painful for us than in person ones. It becomes an emotional assault on my psyche not being able to physically be with people. To hug them. Hold their hands. You know...fucking human shit.

And my lovely social anxiety of course loves to extend itself to online connections as well. The only reason I can post here at all, is because of the anonymity it provides. But even then. There are things I want to say, post, get some support in but I can't. Because my brain will comes down on me with things like "they will hate you. And if they hate you. They block you. And if they block you. You don't exist, but not in the good way." The idea of trying to get to close to anyone, on here even. Is just out of the question. And that's not my choice. That's not what I want. But my brain has won that argument and issued the decree. And I try to do something different, it'll just punish me.

Plus I have moderate/severe BPD. So for me. Getting close to someone, can very quickly lead to me falling in love and wanting...things. if it's a guy. But I have been known to become very attached to women as friends and become highly territorial. Not like in a misogynistic way though. I just get very jealous and terrified of being abandoned. It's just too dangerous. Because I lack so many things. So many experiences that now, my brain just goes to far because we CRAVE IT. But we just don't, we can't do it. We lack the ability. And we lack the kind of support we need to be able to but don't, because it just doesn't exist.

It's awful. Death is preferable to all of this. Everything about existing is torture. It's disgusting. All these feelings and emotions are disgusting. Being human is disgusting. I am convinced that if there is a god, it's punishing us because of how disgusting we are.

I just can't fucking do this anymore. I'm ready to fucking die. My body is ready to fucking die. But the fucking pain averse coward upstairs won't let us fucking do anything. Not even attempt ffs.

 

[Dejected 55]

Speaking for myself, online isn't real. It's too easy for people to be someone they are not when they are not in front of you. Some people are good at faking in person, but way more people can pretend online. The only way to almost be real online would be with someone you know really well already in real.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Speaking for myself, online isn't real. It's too easy for people to be someone they are not when they are not in front of you. Some people are good at faking in person, but way more people can pretend online. The only way to almost be real online would be with someone you know really well already in real.

Right. And for me. Getting on camera? Absolutely not. That is uncomfortable as all fuck. Someone just fucking staring at me? Yuck.

 

[Dejected 55]

Videoconferencing is weird... but it's also weird that it's weird. I mean, if you're anxious around people in real and find it hard to make eye contact, then the video conference is going to be the same experience. But for people that are fine engaging with people in real life, I never understand why they find it somehow weird to be on video.

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

You would think so. Right? Not my brain. My brain doesn't allow long-distance relationships. Those are even more painful for us than in person ones. It becomes an emotional assault on my psyche not being able to physically be with people. To hug them. Hold their hands. You know...fucking human shit.

Exactly. Terminally online introvert types can't really seem to grasp the value of irl face-to-face genuine relationships—there's quite literally no substitute for it. This is why the suggestion of "just make online friends" has always greatly frustrated me.

I've said this before on a different post, but there are so many different dimensions of physical & emotional complexity that are entirely absent with online friendships. Humans weren't meant to outsource their need for connection through digital mediums, even if there is another person on the other end. It just doesn't fucking work that way man.

I noticed you mentioned you also have BPD—as do I. Unfortunately, my precarious nature and instability has caused me to cut off a lot of people and burn countless bridges. Now I'm left with no one, not even family. It truly is one of the most painful existences imaginable. And my social skills have noticeably declined over the past few years, so I don't even have the charm or the tempered wit I used to possess to draw people in and forge new relationships with. I've never felt so hollow before, and I just cant get over how fucking pathetic it all is. I want to be loved. I want to have a small close-knit circle I can go out and actually do shit with.

I keep a 12 gauge Mossberg shotgun loaded with 000 buck sitting under my bed, but I don't even have the fucking balls to blow my brains out lmao. Maybe one day the isolation and loneliness with completely consume me to the point where I can actually pull the trigger.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Why loneliness makes people want to kill themselves. This is awful. I'm so lonely I'm in physical pain. I just want to die right this second. The worst part, is there is no way to fix this. There is just no way for me to meet new people. Especially from my own community.

I'm just going to be lonely until I die I guess. Great.

Yeah it sucks, it's a big reason I want to ctb. It's especially hard when you finally find someone and the loneliness goes away and then they leave you.

 

[soon4good]

Touch starvation

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm struggling so much with loneliness, too. I feel like the only way I can get human attention and connection is through sexuality, and that somehow feels even worse than not being able to get it at all.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm struggling so much with loneliness, too. I feel like the only way I can get human attention and connection is through sexuality, and that somehow feels even worse than not being able to get it at all.

I feel that deeply. I feel like the only thing I really have to offer is sex.

 

[a-fond-farewell]

Exactly. Terminally online introvert types can't really seem to grasp the value of irl face-to-face genuine relationships—there's quite literally no substitute for it. This is why the suggestion of "just make online friends" has always greatly frustrated me.

I've said this before on a different post, but there are so many different dimensions of physical & emotional complexity that are entirely absent with online friendships. Humans weren't meant to outsource their need for connection through digital mediums, even if there is another person on the other end. It just doesn't fucking work that way man.

I noticed you mentioned you also have BPD—as do I. Unfortunately, my precarious nature and instability has caused me to cut off a lot of people and burn countless bridges. Now I'm left with no one, not even family. It truly is one of the most painful existences imaginable. And my social skills have noticeably declined over the past few years, so I don't even have the charm or the tempered wit I used to possess to draw people in and forge new relationships with. I've never felt so hollow before, and I just cant get over how fucking pathetic it all is. I want to be loved. I want to have a small close-knit circle I can go out and actually do shit with.

I keep a 12 gauge Mossberg shotgun loaded with 000 buck sitting under my bed, but I don't even have the fucking balls to blow my brains out lmao. Maybe one day the isolation and loneliness with completely consume me to the point where I can actually pull the trigger.

Literally everything you just said is exactly how I feel. Maybe it was trauma, maybe it was the pandemic isolation, maybe it was depression, maybe it was just growing up, but I've lost so much of my personality and even my sense of self over the years. So much of what made me me is just gone now or locked away out of reach. I feel less alive, like literally less conscious. But the way you put it is probably the best way to describe it, just hollow.

I have my method. I'm just waiting for the day that I wake up the wrong way and just decide to fucking end it. I look in the mirror and feel so detached from myself. I'm tired of feeling guilt and shame in everything that I do or think. I'm just tired of myself and my own antics. I don't want to be this person anymore in this body and this brain. I don't like him.