Story i tried to kill myself this morning

[amberkakapo]

i've been pretty suicidal but i don't know what came over me this morning. i woke up and took about 70 mg of ritalin (not nearly enough to seriously overdose) and started chugging vodka. i laid there with my dog. nothing really happened. no hangover today. no nothing. i was just super drunk and started crying.

and then i caught a bus to go do the things i needed to do, although i went home a little early just because i was upset and confused. i didn't plan anything out the night before. i just did it. ugh. what the hell is wrong with me?

 

[Nolongerlive]

Hope you are doing ok.

 

[amberkakapo]

Hope you are doing ok.

i do my best

 

[ilovenewyork]

You're also now on a suicide forum. Just pointing that out.

You should make an appointment to see a doctor and get checked out.

 

[amberkakapo]

You're also now on a suicide forum. Just pointing that out.

You should make an appointment to see a doctor and get checked out.

i have one soon

i've been pretty suicidal but i don't know what came over me this morning. i woke up and took about 70 mg of ritalin (not nearly enough to seriously overdose) and started chugging vodka. i laid there with my dog. nothing really happened. no hangover today. no nothing. i was just super drunk and started crying.

and then i caught a bus to go do the things i needed to do, although i went home a little early just because i was upset and confused. i didn't plan anything out the night before. i just did it. ugh. what the hell is wrong with me?

some things feel like the worst thing in the world. like it's one little thing setting off the entire day.

i've been procrastinating for a month. i don't do much nowadays. i'm just watching my life sort of fall apart. what hurts the most in my body is that i used to be really good. my people were proud of me. now everyones just worried and they expect the least from me. do this atleast halfway, come out with us for atleast a little while. i don't even know what to say honestly. it's the worst ache i've ever felt. like i can't even cry. i used to be so good.

 

[fadedghost]

i have one soon



with everything else in my life, my friend is super pissed off at me for something i messed up with. things like that feel like the worst thing in the world. like it's one little thing setting off the entire day.

i've been procrastinating for a month. i don't do much nowadays. i'm just watching my life sort of fall apart. what hurts the most in my body is that i used to be really good. my people were proud of me. now everyones just worried and they expect the least from me. do this atleast halfway, come out with us for atleast a little while. i don't even know what to say honestly. it's the worst ache i've ever felt. like i can't even cry. i used to be so good.

I remember at one point when people were trying to get me to leave my apartment and they had to nag me and persuade me to go out because I was so sad.

I hadn't told anyone I had been sexually assaulted that year, and it had really fucked up my head...

I don't know what your situation is, but sometimes people get sad for no reason, but sometimes there's something else going on. Did anything happen that led to things getting worse? Or is it just terrible depression?

70 mg of ritalin is a lot... I don't know if it could cause death. Same with vodka. I guess it could if you drink enough of it. Is this something where you want to get help or want to get better or are you just hoping to end it? I don't really know what your situation is entirely...

i'm not a pro-lifer... and for people with incurable medical issues who don't want to wait to see if research advances, and for people who have tried everything to get better and can't, I understand when people need to catch the bus... Have you tried to get better? Do you have a diagnosis? Like do you have borderline tendancies or a mood disorder or just major depressive disorder? Sorry if I am asking too much... I often comment, and say the wrong thing...

 

[amberkakapo]

I remember at one point when people were trying to get me to leave my apartment and they had to nag me and persuade me to go out because I was so sad.

I hadn't told anyone I had been sexually assaulted that year, and it had really fucked up my head...

I don't know what your situation is, but sometimes people get sad for no reason, but sometimes there's something else going on. Did anything happen that led to things getting worse? Or is it just terrible depression?

70 mg of ritalin is a lot... I don't know if it could cause death. Same with vodka. I guess it could if you drink enough of it. Is this something where you want to get help or want to get better or are you just hoping to end it? I don't really know what your situation is entirely...

i'm not a pro-lifer... and for people with incurable medical issues who don't want to wait to see if research advances, and for people who have tried everything to get better and can't, I understand when people need to catch the bus... Have you tried to get better? Do you have a diagnosis? Like do you have borderline tendancies or a mood disorder or just major depressive disorder? Sorry if I am asking too much... I often comment, and say the wrong thing...

Well,
Throughout my teenage years, i was sexually exploited / used for gratification. it happened so often to the point where i just became used to it. i never really told anyone. people ask how, but, whenever there was a chance of truth, i lied out of shame. and then the lying became natural. and then i couldn't not lie. i just didn't tell anyone. i get blamed for that a lot.
life moved on it's own, of course. i'm doing therapy right now, but it's still such a struggle to begin to approach the topic. i freeze up.
im not diagnosed with anything. i guess my whole view on my drive for suicide nowadays is that, i'm failing to thrive the way i always wanted to in life. even if i did recover, it still happened to me .. what's the point. i've been considering death, but today i think i was just seriously testing the waters.

 

[fadedghost]

Well,
Throughout my teenage years, i was sexually exploited / used for gratification. it happened so often to the point where i just became used to it. i never really told anyone. people ask how, but, whenever there was a chance of truth, i lied out of shame. and then the lying became natural. and then i couldn't not lie. i just didn't tell anyone. i get blamed for that a lot.
life moved on it's own, of course. i'm doing therapy right now, but it's still such a struggle to begin to approach the topic. i freeze up.
im not diagnosed with anything. i guess my whole view on my drive for suicide nowadays is that, i'm failing to thrive the way i always wanted to in life. even if i did recover, it still happened to me .. what's the point. i've been considering death, but today i think i was just seriously testing the waters.

maybe you need to approach the topic with the therapist. i don't understand how therapy works, really, they have trauma therapists, EMDR... i don't really understand any of it.

life is hard sometimes, many people don't thrive the way they hoped... but we're also in a very changing world in some ways. AI is changing everything. Many jobs will be done with robots soon, there's going to be economic and social upheaval, but then there will be UBI (universal basic income) probably by 2040, and ultimately hopefully robots doing more of the work will make life easier. unless you have a major incurable medical issue (keeping in mind there's a biotech revolution happening that people aren't seeing) or you've tried for a very long time to get better, you probably shouldn't kill yourself right now... society could get a lot better... tons of people who have advanced degrees and expected to do well are stunned because society is fundamentally structurally shifting and many jobs people trained for aren't there; you have many coders not sure of what to do. It's a very strange different world. You're not alone in this: most people are in shock. It's also hard because we don't know what the environmental future of the earth is: it may be slightly bad, or it could be disaster. That's the thing no one really understands or knows about right now, but technology is moving so fast. Have you tried AA also? or just tried stopping drinking entirely? that stuff is terrible for you. I know you were trying to drink yourself to death, maybe you don't drink normally... just mentioning it. i hope you open up to your therapist about what happened. i stayed quiet about the bad stuff, the worst stuff, that happened to me for too long and it really fucked my head up... i just avoided thinking about it or talking about... don't make the same mistake i did of not bringing it up to your therapist because they aren't asking you about the worst stuff... they will wait for you to be ready to discuss the worst stuff, so just discuss it. it's like ripping a band-aid off.

 

[amberkakapo]

maybe you need to approach the topic with the therapist. i don't understand how therapy works, really, they have trauma therapists, EMDR... i don't really understand any of it.

life is hard sometimes, many people don't thrive the way they hoped... but we're also in a very changing world in some ways. AI is changing everything. Many jobs will be done with robots soon, there's going to be economic and social upheaval, but then there will be UBI (universal basic income) probably by 2040, and ultimately hopefully robots doing more of the work will make life easier. unless you have a major incurable medical issue (keeping in mind there's a biotech revolution happening that people aren't seeing) or you've tried for a very long time to get better, you probably shouldn't kill yourself right now... society could get a lot better... tons of people who have advanced degrees and expected to do well are stunned because society is fundamentally structurally shifting and many jobs people trained for aren't there; you have many coders not sure of what to do. It's a very strange different world. You're not alone in this: most people are in shock. It's also hard because we don't know what the environmental future of the earth is: it may be slightly bad, or it could be disaster. That's the thing no one really understands or knows about right now, but technology is moving so fast. Have you tried AA also? or just tried stopping drinking entirely? that stuff is terrible for you. I know you were trying to drink yourself to death, maybe you don't drink normally... just mentioning it. i hope you open up to your therapist about what happened. i stayed quiet about the bad stuff, the worst stuff, that happened to me for too long and it really fucked my head up... i just avoided thinking about it or talking about... don't make the same mistake i did of not bringing it up to your therapist because they aren't asking you about the worst stuff... they will wait for you to be ready to discuss the worst stuff, so just discuss it. it's like ripping a band-aid off.

I try my best. I really, really do. I just think I would be happier even waiting a while just with the knowledge that I'll do it eventually.
I picked up drinking recently. Few weeks ago. I just went straight with vodka; but today it actually made me feel better for a little bit LOL. Drugs / alcohol don't affect me too much. I can't really get high off of weed, and I can only get drunk if I have a lot. It is sort of a mood killer.

I haven't really thought about the world in a bigger picture. If I were to live, I could see the beauty of everything and eventually grow old. I could do something really, really good for people. I haven't ever struggled with misanthropy or anything like that. I can just almost describe it as doing what's best for myself. Trauma damages the structure of the brain.
I feel sorry for myself. I didn't get to grow up like any normal teenage girl was. It's what broke me the most. Being jealous of your own best friend for going to school every day and having a boyfriend while you're being exploited. While you're slipping away on every level but your body. I think it's a feeling deep in your chest that you could never forget.

 

[fadedghost]

I try my best. I really, really do. I just think I would be happier even waiting a while just with the knowledge that I'll do it eventually.
I picked up drinking recently. Few weeks ago. I just went straight with vodka; but today it actually made me feel better for a little bit LOL. Drugs / alcohol don't affect me too much. I can't really get high off of weed, and I can only get drunk if I have a lot. It is sort of a mood killer.

I haven't really thought about the world in a bigger picture. If I were to live, I could see the beauty of everything and eventually grow old. I could do something really, really good for people. I haven't ever struggled with misanthropy or anything like that. I can just almost describe it as doing what's best for myself. Trauma damages the structure of the brain.
I feel sorry for myself. I didn't get to grow up like any normal teenage girl was. It's what broke me the most. Being jealous of your own best friend for going to school every day and having a boyfriend while you're being exploited. While you're slipping away on every level but your body. I think it's a feeling deep in your chest that you could never forget.

If you are okay with religion or spirituality, please go to AA. Drinking is horrible for you and nothing good comes of it.

I also wonder if you are bipolar or something like that. Sometimes people who are bipolar try to drink because they are chemically a bit off. I'm usually hate the idea of locked hospitalization, but if you voluntarily hospitalize yourself, it's voluntary and slightly different (ie easier to leave). Not saying you have to do that.

 

[amberkakapo]

If you are okay with religion or spirituality, please go to AA. Drinking is horrible for you and nothing good comes of it.

I also wonder if you are bipolar or something like that. Sometimes people who are bipolar try to drink because they are chemically a bit off. I'm usually hate the idea of locked hospitalization, but if you voluntarily hospitalize yourself, it's voluntary and slightly different (ie easier to leave). Not saying you have to do that.

I've had the thought. My actual spiral started a little over a month and a half ago. It pretty much crept up on me, I only realized once it began to affect the course of my life. There was a point in time where I hadn't cried in months. I remember I was laying in the bathtub, trying to make any wave of emotions come over me. I just kind of blacked out and zoned off instead. Really scary stuff, dude, I still don't recall that blank. I wasn't doing any substances or anything either.

I'm seeing a doctor on either Monday or Tuesday and I assume I'm going to get put on low level antidepressants. Depression runs harsh in both sides of my family, I'm not sure if it's bipolar disorder, PTSD.. I've been thinking about an evaluation for PTSD once I gain the balls? I've had a trauma assessment in the past, but I freaked out and lied / answered no.
I feel a lot better compared to yesterday morning. I made some sleeping tea for peace of mind last night, but I let it steep for over half an hour and knocked myself out. LOL

 

[lpdsvm]

I had something similar. It just hit me. But I didn't act though but it was close.

 

[amberkakapo]

I had something similar. It just hit me. But I didn't act though but it was close.

Hope you're doing okay

 

[lpdsvm]

Hope you're doing okay

Thanks.

For now I am OK. But feel defeated. I see what is coming for me in the future, I ignored it but it is closer and closer. I will have CTBed by 2029.
I hope you will feel great and everything goes smoothly as you want.

 

[amberkakapo]

Thanks.

For now I am OK. But feel defeated. I see what is coming for me in the future, I ignored it but it is closer and closer. I will have CTBed by 2029.
I hope you will feel great and everything goes smoothly as you want.

I remember the first time I found this forum. I thought it was really gross and sad, scrolling through posts and posts of people that were just dead. I found it again a bit later in life, and I understand now.
Connecting with people, even if difficult, is healthy. It gave me a reason to keep going for just a little longer .. I hope it can give you a reason too. Either way, I hope you'll feel great and comfortable as well.

 

[Aphid]

Well,
Throughout my teenage years, i was sexually exploited / used for gratification. it happened so often to the point where i just became used to it. i never really told anyone. people ask how, but, whenever there was a chance of truth, i lied out of shame. and then the lying became natural. and then i couldn't not lie. i just didn't tell anyone. i get blamed for that a lot.
life moved on it's own, of course. i'm doing therapy right now, but it's still such a struggle to begin to approach the topic. i freeze up.
im not diagnosed with anything. i guess my whole view on my drive for suicide nowadays is that, i'm failing to thrive the way i always wanted to in life. even if i did recover, it still happened to me .. what's the point. i've been considering death, but today i think i was just seriously testing the waters.

I understand entirely. I'm truly sorry for what you've gone through, and I as well usually have spontaneous attempts with no forethought or intention of making things right. It sucks. Those horrible things you went through, they stick with you and hold you down. I really suggest talking more about your experiences, it would really help.

 

[amberkakapo]

I understand entirely. I'm truly sorry for what you've gone through, and I as well usually have spontaneous attempts with no forethought or intention of making things right. It sucks. Those horrible things you went through, they stick with you and hold you down. I really suggest talking more about your experiences, it would really help.

Thank you. It truly disgusts me how someone could've seen me that way. Just a tool to benefit them .. ugh

 

[fadedghost]

I've had the thought. My actual spiral started a little over a month and a half ago. It pretty much crept up on me, I only realized once it began to affect the course of my life. There was a point in time where I hadn't cried in months. I remember I was laying in the bathtub, trying to make any wave of emotions come over me. I just kind of blacked out and zoned off instead. Really scary stuff, dude, I still don't recall that blank. I wasn't doing any substances or anything either.

I'm seeing a doctor on either Monday or Tuesday and I assume I'm going to get put on low level antidepressants. Depression runs harsh in both sides of my family, I'm not sure if it's bipolar disorder, PTSD.. I've been thinking about an evaluation for PTSD once I gain the balls? I've had a trauma assessment in the past, but I freaked out and lied / answered no.
I feel a lot better compared to yesterday morning. I made some sleeping tea for peace of mind last night, but I let it steep for over half an hour and knocked myself out. LOL

Drinking is a horrible affliction. There are meetings everywhere all the time: https://www.aa.org/find-aa. If you haven't been heavily drinking that long, but you tried to kill yourself with alcohol, you have earned the right to go to AA. And if you go, and don't drink, and don't end up committing suicide, you'll likely have such a better life because of not drinking and going to AA, if you don't mind the spirituality aspect of it. https://www.aa.org/find-aa.

 

[amberkakapo]

Drinking is a horrible affliction. There are meetings everywhere all the time: https://www.aa.org/find-aa. If you haven't been heavily drinking that long, but you tried to kill yourself with alcohol, you have earned the right to go to AA. And if you go, and don't drink, and don't end up committing suicide, you'll likely have such a better life because of not drinking and going to AA, if you don't mind the spirituality aspect of it. https://www.aa.org/find-aa.

I'll look into it.