
Açucarzinho583
com café!
- Sep 14, 2023
- 85
She always had something. A seductive way about her. I remember one time, in computer class, when she kept tapping her feet on my leg. There were times when she'd brush her hands against me. And other times, she'd hug me.
There was a day when she pretended to trip and fell on me. It was obvious. It was theatrical. But it was perfect. She wanted to see my reaction, wanted to know how far I'd go. I've also never forgotten the day she drank from my water bottle. To me, it tasted like a kiss. An indirect kiss.
The problem was, I was shy. Very shy. I didn't do anything. I stood still, frozen. Today, so many years later, I realize: it wasn't just admiration, nor just desire. It was feeling. And only now, after so long, did I have the courage to face it head-on. The courage to say to myself: I liked her. I really liked her. And I regret never saying it. Never doing anything.
Recently, I gathered a group of people from that time to find her contact information.
That's when I discovered she's my best friend's sister. I had no idea. I started wondering if it would be worth talking to her… and, at the same time, I was afraid of ruining my friendship with him.
I spoke to him very carefully, being sincere. I told him I wanted to talk to her, that she was a nice person, and that I just wanted to exchange ideas. He reacted a little suspiciously at first—he said he wasn't close to her, that she "just followed her own path," and seemed a bit reserved about the subject. Even so, he didn't say I couldn't try.
So I gathered my courage. I waited for the right moment, prepared a respectful, light, no-pressure message. I sent it to her: "Hi, <her name>! How are you? I don't know if you remember me, I'm <my name>, we went to <school name> together, about four years ago."
She saw it… and didn't respond.
Then I realized that, on her business account (probably work), I could no longer see her photo, and I started to think I might have been blocked.
It really hurt. I wondered if I did something wrong. If I went too far. If I was unintentionally invasive.
I thought about giving up. I cried a lot and self-harmed. I had panic attacks. I confided in my psychologist. I said: I added a profile picture for her to see, I put on lip balm so my lips wouldn't get chapped for her to see, I bought new glasses because I thought she'd like them, and in the end, I felt a lock on my heart. I ended up drowning my sorrows in coffee and energy drinks. I drank about six cups and only stopped drinking because I ran out.
My psychologist said you should make all these changes for yourself and for yourself. Not for her, or for anyone else. I don't think it will be how I want or would like it. But now it's time to learn to develop yourself so you can relate. I told him I wanted to die, and he said that's not how life works. I need to learn to live. Now I have to stay calm and see new perspectives. I said it seems like everything in my life is destined to fail. My birth was a mistake in itself. I have absent parents who don't care. He replied that I'm not a product of my conception.
I started ruminating. Thoughts like: Did she really care about me, or was I just another one? She's probably already found the right person. I'll never be her friend. Everything will go wrong. All I could think about was cutting myself as deep as possible.
But after much thought, I talked to my friend again. I asked if he would mind talking to her for me. He accepted. He said he would talk to her. And that made me happy. All the negative thoughts disappeared.
I still don't know what will happen. But just the fact that he agreed to be this bridge gave me a hope I'd lost.
I don't know if she'll want to talk. I don't know if you still think of me. But I know I tried. I know I was truthful, respectful, and didn't hide behind fear. And sometimes, that alone is worth a lot.
There was a day when she pretended to trip and fell on me. It was obvious. It was theatrical. But it was perfect. She wanted to see my reaction, wanted to know how far I'd go. I've also never forgotten the day she drank from my water bottle. To me, it tasted like a kiss. An indirect kiss.
The problem was, I was shy. Very shy. I didn't do anything. I stood still, frozen. Today, so many years later, I realize: it wasn't just admiration, nor just desire. It was feeling. And only now, after so long, did I have the courage to face it head-on. The courage to say to myself: I liked her. I really liked her. And I regret never saying it. Never doing anything.
Recently, I gathered a group of people from that time to find her contact information.
That's when I discovered she's my best friend's sister. I had no idea. I started wondering if it would be worth talking to her… and, at the same time, I was afraid of ruining my friendship with him.
I spoke to him very carefully, being sincere. I told him I wanted to talk to her, that she was a nice person, and that I just wanted to exchange ideas. He reacted a little suspiciously at first—he said he wasn't close to her, that she "just followed her own path," and seemed a bit reserved about the subject. Even so, he didn't say I couldn't try.
So I gathered my courage. I waited for the right moment, prepared a respectful, light, no-pressure message. I sent it to her: "Hi, <her name>! How are you? I don't know if you remember me, I'm <my name>, we went to <school name> together, about four years ago."
She saw it… and didn't respond.
Then I realized that, on her business account (probably work), I could no longer see her photo, and I started to think I might have been blocked.
It really hurt. I wondered if I did something wrong. If I went too far. If I was unintentionally invasive.
I thought about giving up. I cried a lot and self-harmed. I had panic attacks. I confided in my psychologist. I said: I added a profile picture for her to see, I put on lip balm so my lips wouldn't get chapped for her to see, I bought new glasses because I thought she'd like them, and in the end, I felt a lock on my heart. I ended up drowning my sorrows in coffee and energy drinks. I drank about six cups and only stopped drinking because I ran out.
My psychologist said you should make all these changes for yourself and for yourself. Not for her, or for anyone else. I don't think it will be how I want or would like it. But now it's time to learn to develop yourself so you can relate. I told him I wanted to die, and he said that's not how life works. I need to learn to live. Now I have to stay calm and see new perspectives. I said it seems like everything in my life is destined to fail. My birth was a mistake in itself. I have absent parents who don't care. He replied that I'm not a product of my conception.
I started ruminating. Thoughts like: Did she really care about me, or was I just another one? She's probably already found the right person. I'll never be her friend. Everything will go wrong. All I could think about was cutting myself as deep as possible.
But after much thought, I talked to my friend again. I asked if he would mind talking to her for me. He accepted. He said he would talk to her. And that made me happy. All the negative thoughts disappeared.
I still don't know what will happen. But just the fact that he agreed to be this bridge gave me a hope I'd lost.
I don't know if she'll want to talk. I don't know if you still think of me. But I know I tried. I know I was truthful, respectful, and didn't hide behind fear. And sometimes, that alone is worth a lot.