I tried ctb Friday and failed

[isolonelygirl99]

A few days ago (Friday), I got some heroin and xanax, and did them all. I didn't plan on waking up, but I did late Saturday and I've never felt so bad in my life. I'm still having chest pains (idk if it's a heart attack), my oxygen levels have been around 75% steadily but I think that's improved a little now. I'm by myself, my mom is dying in the hospital from kidney failure so my family has been tied up with her. I feel like a failure still, I can barely stay awake for more than 30 minutes, and when I do I just cry.

 

[Crow_88]

Sorry to hear it went like that :-(
And also sorry to hear about your mom in the hospital. That's a heavy load.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[pauly369]

I cant imagine how you must feel right now.
Im really sorry youre going through all of that.

 

[isolonelygirl99]

I cant imagine how you must feel right now.
Im really sorry youre going through all of that.

I really appreciate your sympathy. I'm here with her now and it's so hard watching her, knowing I have to let her go…..she's my mama, nobody will ever love me as much as she always has.

Sorry to hear it went like that :-(
And also sorry to hear about your mom in the hospital. That's a heavy load.

it is and being with her now (I'm trying to stay with her every night) just reminds me how much she loves me and how soon, all this love will never be forgotten but missed like no other in the entire world.

I'm sorry you have to suffer, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is so fking hard and it's not fair for anyone to have to suffer like this (her I mean). She deserves a happier ending.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Hey, do you want to figure out what's causing your chest pains? Oxygen saturation of 75% is very low for most people, a lot of people would be severely disoriented or passing out if they had that. Normal is 90-95% or higher usually. Could be worth considering going to a hospital considering that and you having chest pain, which is also a very serious symptoms. If you don't want that, I might be able to help. It would be difficult with no physical assessment and based on limited vitals but I could try. Are you able to get a blood pressure or heart rate? Some questions that could help me help you are below.

1. do you take meds for anything?
2. do you have any conditions, especially heart, lung, or digestive conditions?
3. when did it start?
4. how long has it been happening?
5. is it constant or does it come and go?
6. is it worse or better at certain times of day, or when you do certain things (ex., does it get worse in the morning, after exercise, after eating)
7. how would you describe the pain (sharp, dull, stabbing, pressure)?
8. does it go anywhere else in your body or stay in your chest? is it on one side, in the middle, deep, superficial?
9. how would you rate the pain 1-10 currently? has that pain changed during the course of you having it?
10. do you have any other symptoms? palpitations, trouble breathing, lightheadedness?

Sorry if this is unwelcomed, but it seems like maybe it's bothering you? Feel free to answer or not!

 

[Halfhourdays]

A few days ago (Friday), I got some heroin and xanax, and did them all. I didn't plan on waking up, but I did late Saturday and I've never felt so bad in my life. I'm still having chest pains (idk if it's a heart attack), my oxygen levels have been around 75% steadily but I think that's improved a little now. I'm by myself, my mom is dying in the hospital from kidney failure so my family has been tied up with her. I feel like a failure still, I can barely stay awake for more than 30 minutes, and when I do I just cry.

Basically all of us here, like the vast majority,have had a failed attempt. Especially with ODing. You aren't a "failure" or whatever.

I personally failed with Tylenol (lame way to attempt, I know).

 

[Freebandzgang]

I personally failed with Tylenol (lame way to attempt, I know).

Acetaminophen is crazy. You didnt do any research beforehand?

 

[Halfhourdays]

Acetaminophen is crazy. You didnt do any research beforehand?

I had just gotten out of jail. Went straight to Target and bought bottles of Tylenol. My only thought was that it was worth a shot. I didn't expect it to work, and it didn't.

I did no research.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

hey OP. i've also had failed OD attempts. i'm so sorry you're in such pain. please be as mindful as you can with how you're physically feeling. the oxygen percentage is concerning. we're here for you and we care.

 

[isolonelygirl99]

Just wanted to give an update on my struggle. My mom is nearing the end, about to be moved to Hospice care. I've been at her side almost a week now nonstop because I won't allow her to be alone—she's suffering immensely but won't complain, but it's obvious seeing her shriveling up from not eating or drinking, she no longer speaks, and all that accumulating makes me feel so hopeless. Dying shouldn't be so fking difficult, time consuming, painful, etc. I know I don't deserve a peaceful end but she does more than anyone I've ever known. Watching her suffering and literally wasting away slowly makes my existence more futile and pointless, none of this is right or acceptable and it's tragic that we don't get to choose when to ctb. I don't want to try to keep living but I feel too responsible for our two golden retrievers (they don't understand what's happening and don't deserve to be abandoned by me—I chose them, love and care for them, and honestly love them more than any human). I don't care if that's a fukd up way to be, it's who I am.
I'm just afraid I won't have a full time job before my mom passes, find a place to rent that is okay with two 95 pound dogs, all without any help from my two older brothers, who have barely been around during this ordeal.

 

[Ferreter]

You're not a failure, all of us on this site struggle with finding ways to relieve the pain, you're just trying. But please keep venting, it helps, even if just a little.