Venting I tried and failed

[H4t]

So it seems I can post now... and I want to get this off my chest where others can see it and not try to stop me.

My relationship ended. It devastated me. I won't go into too many identifying factors, but I realised I was living for her.
To be honest, I know it's unfair on her, that she is my world. It's something like co-dependency or whatever.
But we gave so much for each other, and it feels like she's cast me away so easily.

Now I'm where she found me. I was close to CTB in 2019, a year before we met. I found reasons to live, like my dog and my responsibility to her, and other silly things like fomo for the future.

But now I have to start from zero, for the umpteenth time in my life. I'm tired of it.

The moment she broke up with me I went and bought the materials I needed. The breakup had been a possibility, and I had started researching methods. What I found, long before I found this place (which was only a few days ago) was the helium method. I planned thoroughly, or so I thought, but I was too distrought to be thorough. I bought a body bag, an oxygen mask, and planned to do it in the shower with the water running while being extremely drunk and high, so I could drown if it failed.
The helium failed. I tried to drown myself. My will was strong but SI was stronger. I now know what it's like to be on the edge of death.

A mess of things happened next, and I was taken and detained in a mental ward. I cooperated, because what's the point.

But now I'm out and determined. I think I've chosen hanging, my timeline is short because my ex will be back at the apartment at the start of next month. I have no intention of leaving my home, I have no intention of struggling on for a meaningless life I've wanted to end since I was 10. I've enjoyed as much as I can and suffered as much as I can endure. I know the depression is a sickness.

But the truth? The only thing that has brought me peace in this time of turmoil is deciding to CTB. It brought a tranquillity to my mind. I am at peace with it.
My only issue is reliability and not ending up waking up in a hospital maimed or permanently damaged. That would hinder my future attempts, and it would just continue the suffering.

Why the hell is this so hard to pull off? It's damn annoying.

I feel bad for deceiving my friends... but I've been honest with them in one thing: I have no will to live.
Just wanted to get that off my chest outside my journaling app.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm sorry for what you went through! And for losing your gf! That sounds harsh. I hope you can find the peace you are looking.

May I ask how the helium failed?
Most of us worry about ending up even worse after waking up after an attempt. A 100% method is not an option for most people.. If there even is such a thing.

 

[H4t]

I'm sorry for what you went through! And for losing your gf! That sounds harsh. I hope you can find the peace you are looking.

May I ask how the helium failed?
Most of us worry about ending up even worse after waking up after an attempt. A 100% method is not an option for most people.. If there even is such a thing.

Thanks for the thoughts I appreciate it.

To be honest I'm not sure what the exact failures were. I have a suspicion that the bag and mask weren't as airtight as I was led to believe, or I didn't have enough helium for my size (pretty big and annoyingly* relisient), but I suspect it's all of those listed reasons. All that happened is that I passed out for a little while.
I would try again with better materials, but I made such a mess and I really don't want my ex walking in on that again whether I fail or succeed.

 

[EG1141]

I understand you. I feel like I have an unhealthy co-dependent personality paired with being borderline (not a great mix lol). I was in a relationship a little over a year ago that ended on bad terms. I was so out of it. I don't want to discourage you from your choice, but definitely think on it. Your life is more than just one relationship. No matter what, I respect your decision and will be there with you :)
Best of luck friend. <3

 

[H4t]

I understand you. I feel like I have an unhealthy co-dependent personality paired with being borderline (not a great mix lol). I was in a relationship a little over a year ago that ended on bad terms. I was so out of it. I don't want to discourage you from your choice, but definitely think on it. Your life is more than just one relationship. No matter what, I respect your decision and will be there with you :)
Best of luck friend. <3

Thank you so much for this. I've actually tried my best in therapy, and I guess one of the breakthroughs none of my therapists would want to hear is that I don't just want to die because this is over. It's of course a huge factor, but I wanted to CBT some time ago. This was just, for the most part, a great respite and will give me lovely memories as I, hopefully, fade away.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me personally it's just so cruel how it's so unnecessarily difficult to be permanently free from this existence, I understand feeling so tired of suffering here. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[EG1141]

Thank you so much for this. I've actually tried my best in therapy, and I guess one of the breakthroughs none of my therapists would want to hear is that I don't just want to die because this is over. It's of course a huge factor, but I wanted to CBT some time ago. This was just, for the most part, a great respite and will give me lovely memories as I, hopefully, fade away.

Yea, therapy never worked for me. I tried many different therapists. I think their minds work so differently than ours. I have that deep-rooted desire to CTB as well, and it was amplified by my breakup. Just give it some time, maybe a week, maybe a month. Just to see how you feel as you begin to move on. I know a lot of us don't like to hear "It gets better", but I think this is a case where it does apply. I'm here for you :)

 

[H4t]

To me personally it's just so cruel how it's so unnecessarily difficult to be permanently free from this existence, I understand feeling so tired of suffering here. But anyway I wish you all the best.

Yeah, cruel irony right? I could accidentally die on a pea tonight but when I plan it out I turn into an immortal.

Yea, therapy never worked for me. I tried many different therapists. I think their minds work so differently than ours. I have that deep-rooted desire to CTB as well, and it was amplified by my breakup. Just give it some time, maybe a week, maybe a month. Just to see how you feel as you begin to move on. I know a lot of us don't like to hear "It gets better", but I think this is a case where it does apply. I'm here for you :)

I appreciate your point of view, but I'm old enough now, and been through similar enough... my mind is set. I have given it time... I didn't give all details, but the gravity of this situation is too much for me.
Thanks for offering to be there and everything else.
Of course, who knows. Maybe something changes in the next week.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thanks for the thoughts I appreciate it.

To be honest I'm not sure what the exact failures were. I have a suspicion that the bag and mask weren't as airtight as I was led to believe, or I didn't have enough helium for my size (pretty big and annoyingly* relisient), but I suspect it's all of those listed reasons. All that happened is that I passed out for a little while.
I would try again with better materials, but I made such a mess and I really don't want my ex walking in on that again whether I fail or succeed.

Thanks for telling me, I'm sorry it didn't work when you wanted it to..

I get not wanting to leave a mess. It's a tough choice to make already and all the "extra" things to consider make it that much harder.

 

[H4t]

Thanks for telling me, I'm sorry it didn't work when you wanted it to..

I get not wanting to leave a mess. It's a tough choice to make already and all the "extra" things to consider make it that much harder.

Hey, I just wanted to update you. In cleaning up the apartment today I realised that my biggest point of failure was being drunk without having tested everything. I found a nozzle today that would have helped in the helium connection to the oxygen mask. I missed it before. I think the helium may have been too little, but it definitely leaked because of my makeshift connection. That was the point of failure.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Hey, I just wanted to update you. In cleaning up the apartment today I realised that my biggest point of failure was being drunk without having tested everything. I found a nozzle today that would have helped in the helium connection to the oxygen mask. I missed it before. I think the helium may have been too little, but it definitely leaked because of my makeshift connection. That was the point of failure.

That makes a lot of sense. So kind of you to let me know I guess that's a drawback of being drunk
Been seriously considering this method but scared I can't get it all fitting and working together..

How are you doing?

 

[H4t]

That makes a lot of sense. So kind of you to let me know I guess that's a drawback of being drunk
Been seriously considering this method but scared I can't get it all fitting and working together..

How are you doing?

I get that entirely. I'm not sure I can pull it off if I tried it again.
The preparation for my next attempt has hit a snag, but I have time and I can make it work.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I get that entirely. I'm not sure I can pull it off if I tried it again.
The preparation for my next attempt has hit a snag, but I have time and I can make it work.

No rush and being better prepared is a surer way to go I guess.

 

[H4t]

With a bit of imagination I have solved the snag. I still need to test other aspects, but the structural integrity holds and I am now much more assured of my plan.
Only more testing and time remains.

I plan to enjoy my last few days quietly. I regret having to lie to everyone who knows me, whether by omission or explicitly. I just can't have anyone stop me, and I feel like this is the only place I can express that thought before the time comes.