So it seems I can post now... and I want to get this off my chest where others can see it and not try to stop me.
My relationship ended. It devastated me. I won't go into too many identifying factors, but I realised I was living for her.
To be honest, I know it's unfair on her, that she is my world. It's something like co-dependency or whatever.
But we gave so much for each other, and it feels like she's cast me away so easily.
Now I'm where she found me. I was close to CTB in 2019, a year before we met. I found reasons to live, like my dog and my responsibility to her, and other silly things like fomo for the future.
But now I have to start from zero, for the umpteenth time in my life. I'm tired of it.
The moment she broke up with me I went and bought the materials I needed. The breakup had been a possibility, and I had started researching methods. What I found, long before I found this place (which was only a few days ago) was the helium method. I planned thoroughly, or so I thought, but I was too distrought to be thorough. I bought a body bag, an oxygen mask, and planned to do it in the shower with the water running while being extremely drunk and high, so I could drown if it failed.
The helium failed. I tried to drown myself. My will was strong but SI was stronger. I now know what it's like to be on the edge of death.
A mess of things happened next, and I was taken and detained in a mental ward. I cooperated, because what's the point.
But now I'm out and determined. I think I've chosen hanging, my timeline is short because my ex will be back at the apartment at the start of next month. I have no intention of leaving my home, I have no intention of struggling on for a meaningless life I've wanted to end since I was 10. I've enjoyed as much as I can and suffered as much as I can endure. I know the depression is a sickness.
But the truth? The only thing that has brought me peace in this time of turmoil is deciding to CTB. It brought a tranquillity to my mind. I am at peace with it.
My only issue is reliability and not ending up waking up in a hospital maimed or permanently damaged. That would hinder my future attempts, and it would just continue the suffering.
Why the hell is this so hard to pull off? It's damn annoying.
I feel bad for deceiving my friends... but I've been honest with them in one thing: I have no will to live.
Just wanted to get that off my chest outside my journaling app.
My relationship ended. It devastated me. I won't go into too many identifying factors, but I realised I was living for her.
To be honest, I know it's unfair on her, that she is my world. It's something like co-dependency or whatever.
But we gave so much for each other, and it feels like she's cast me away so easily.
Now I'm where she found me. I was close to CTB in 2019, a year before we met. I found reasons to live, like my dog and my responsibility to her, and other silly things like fomo for the future.
But now I have to start from zero, for the umpteenth time in my life. I'm tired of it.
The moment she broke up with me I went and bought the materials I needed. The breakup had been a possibility, and I had started researching methods. What I found, long before I found this place (which was only a few days ago) was the helium method. I planned thoroughly, or so I thought, but I was too distrought to be thorough. I bought a body bag, an oxygen mask, and planned to do it in the shower with the water running while being extremely drunk and high, so I could drown if it failed.
The helium failed. I tried to drown myself. My will was strong but SI was stronger. I now know what it's like to be on the edge of death.
A mess of things happened next, and I was taken and detained in a mental ward. I cooperated, because what's the point.
But now I'm out and determined. I think I've chosen hanging, my timeline is short because my ex will be back at the apartment at the start of next month. I have no intention of leaving my home, I have no intention of struggling on for a meaningless life I've wanted to end since I was 10. I've enjoyed as much as I can and suffered as much as I can endure. I know the depression is a sickness.
But the truth? The only thing that has brought me peace in this time of turmoil is deciding to CTB. It brought a tranquillity to my mind. I am at peace with it.
My only issue is reliability and not ending up waking up in a hospital maimed or permanently damaged. That would hinder my future attempts, and it would just continue the suffering.
Why the hell is this so hard to pull off? It's damn annoying.
I feel bad for deceiving my friends... but I've been honest with them in one thing: I have no will to live.
Just wanted to get that off my chest outside my journaling app.
