Venting I told my partner about my suicidal thoughts last night.

[gardenofaphrodite]

He had his brother over yesterday, we had a lot of fun actually, board games mostly, cooking, etc. Once we all headed to bed, I started feeling kinda out of it, really dark headspace. When we were playing Monopoly I felt like he got mad at me, & the rest of the night that feeling stuck.

I started to talk about what was wrong after he kept pushing, about my thoughts, about how I had been looking up methods, etc. He didn't really have much to say- just kept asking if he could help. Saying that he loved me etc.

I tried to play it all off that I was fine, but I was still crying, he had been in a mood prior & I felt like I had killed it. I'm surprised he let me help him with that, I was crying the whole time but he couldn't see it/hear it, I was under the blanket.

Idk how to feel about it. He didn't know I was crying but in that moment it felt like I was being used. I feel worse.

I feel so much worse. I feel like I'm just here for other people. I wish I had the money to buy SN right now, if I could I would order it today.

If the employer I contacted doesn't get back in touch with me & I get denied for employment again- then I'm done trying. I give up. I've even thought about partial hanging. The closet bar should be strong enough for my weight, I just need a rope, but I do have some scarves & belts that may work as well. I'm just hitting such a low, low that I don't think I can handle more stuff, so many awful things happened after my my last attempt & nothing has really gotten better, just more stress & more reasons not to be here. I asked my partner if he'd okay if I wasn't here & said he didn't know. I think after all of that, I think he would be okay after awhile.

 

[strawberryjampan]

Why haven't you just broken up with them? You seem ridiculously selfish in my opinion.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's true that many people eventually move on once someone has left this world but still I would personally never see it as being the best idea to be so open about wanting to die. But anyway I wish you the best, I understand that it's horrible when existing just continues to get worse.