I thought that I made it out, but now I'm back here again

[dragontale14]

For a moment, I really thought that I had found the answer. I was happy for a little while, I saw the world as a beautiful place and I wanted to go on, keep trying, to make a life. But here I am again, just wallowing in self pity and wishing for it to all end.
I don't think that I actually felt better, I think that it was just an artificial high. I love taking drugs -- anything, I've tried it all... -- because nothing makes me happier than that. I have a friend who can get anything, and I'm thinking of asking him to get me enough of... whatever... to end my life already. I want something that is just like falling asleep to OD on (suggestions are appreciated). If that doesn't work, he also got HIV from sharing a needle (awful, I really feel terribly for him) and I've considered asking him to either have sex with me or mix our blood so that I'll also get it and die. I don't know, I just can't take it. This world is an awful place to be... my biggest fear is reincarnation... I don't want to do this again...

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you eventually find the freedom you wish for, I agree that reincarnating into this dreadful world really sounds so horrible, but I personally don't believe in anything like that, I believe death to be permanent nothingness.

 

[PurpleVoid]

I think it feels worse when you have a few good days (or even good months) and then everything crashes down again. It feels worse in comparison. Especially if 90% of your life is pure misery and only 10% is enjoyable or even endurable. Losing that happiness AGAIN is just disheartening, and even when you're "happy" you know it won't last.

I understand wanting to catch a deadly disease, but people with HIV can live for years before they develop AIDS, and after developing that, they can live a few more years. It's not exactly quick. The reason for dying can be one of any number of infections that happen while the immune system is compromised. You wouldn't be able to pick which disease kills you, and most are not pleasant ways to go. (Some cases of pneumonia seem like the best chance of foregoing a painful death, but that's not saying much. It still involves asphyxiation.)