Story I thought it was time to introduce myself

[synthetic_suicide]

So I am lurking since forever, member since a bit more than 1 year...

I am 40 and I have been suicidal since my early teenage years. Over the course of my life I have been diagnosed with major depression, bipolar 1, CPTSD, ADHD, panic disorder with agoraphobia and something else I guess. I have took a shitload of different medications, antipsychotics, antidepressants, benzos, lithium. I think I've tried literally everything and for each class different medications. The other day I tried to put down a list, just on top of my mind, of what I took in the past 25 years:

Delorazepam
Levomepromazine
Citalopram
Paroxetine
Sertraline
Lorazepam
Valproate
Abilify
Invega/Paliperidon
Akineton/Biperiden
Depakin
Cymbalta/Duloxetine
Lithium
Carbamazepine
Lamotrigine
Ritalin

I did therapy for 15 years and changed 5 psychiatrists. I've reached the point where my current psychiatrist was so at a loss that "discharged" me from her practice and sent me to what is supposed to be the best institution for curing bipolar disorders in my country.

I suffer from tremendous social isolation, I go through phases where I barely eat and in general I cannot take care of myself.

I suffer from sleep apnea and I am taking lorazepam every fucking night to sleep, in a dosage that is well beyond the maximum advisable. This is happening since many years. My sleep is shit (with lorazepam you loose the REM part of your sleep, so sleeping is not really restful) and is making me miserable and confused the whole day. Not to forget the impact of long term benzos usage...

Two years ago, due to a rare autoimmune condition, I suffered a cervical spinal cord injury. I've been paralyzed (quadriplegic) for many weeks, and in a coma unable to breathe autonomously for 3 weeks. While I recovered the ability to walk, my legs are weak and I suffer from balance issues. Not to mention the sequela of other invisible issues (bowel, bladder and sexual issues) that are impacting my daily life.

For my autoimmune condition I have to take a medication that is quite heavy on my immune system.

I recently lost my job because of this, since due to my condition and the time I have to spend in recovery activities I just can't work 40 hours. Luckily I live in a country where there's some financial support for people in my situation. Also health insurances are top-notch and at least I am not in a bad place financially because all of this.

Currently I take 7 different medications daily and I can say that living an ultra-medicated life is not fun.

I had some preliminary conversations and it seems I qualify for assisted suicide. I have the savings to do it in Switzerland. I have just a stupid hope that things will get better that is blocking me.

There's much more, my medical situation is really complex. What's worse is that I really struggle to explain the excruciating pain I am in to people around me (mainly family). I guess I miss some form of understanding also because from the outside I look okish. People are seeing my issues as isolated from each other, but I have to take them as compounded which makes the magnitude of the whole thing...extreme. I can't really talk with a loved one about my feelings, and I can't spend therapy sessions to vent (which is pretty much what I am doing since 2 years).

So I guess I wrote this to vent a bit and well, explain why I am considering suicide.

People call me resilient, but is really just survival instinct.

 

[davidtorez]

Hi. I'm 43 and have a host of joint and mental issues. Just letting you know I've read your story and I totally emphasise with you, and admit I'm quite a bit envious that you've been accepted by the Swiss euthanasia clinic. That's considered the Gold standard by most people. Maybe keep living and pushing on until it gets totally unbearable? At least you have that option there waiting for you
And by the way, I know what you mean by looking ok on the outside, I'm the same way, people don't expect me to be this way coz on the outside I look fine, until they find out I'm physically and mentally screwed

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, I'm sorry you have to suffer, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[synthetic_suicide]

Hi. I'm 43 and have a host of joint and mental issues. Just letting you know I've read your story and I totally emphasise with you, and admit I'm quite a bit envious that you've been accepted by the Swiss euthanasia clinic. That's considered the Gold standard by most people. Maybe keep living and pushing on until it gets totally unbearable? At least you have that option there waiting for you
And by the way, I know what you mean by looking ok on the outside, I'm the same way, people don't expect me to be this way coz on the outside I look fine, until they find out I'm physically and mentally screwed

Not accepted yet. I've been told I may qualify based on what I've explained here, I need to provide medical documentation...

 

[davidtorez]

Not accepted yet. I've been told I may qualify based on what I've explained here, I need to provide medical documentation...

Ah ok. Seems like it's more likely than not that you'll get a pass? Wishing the best for you either way.

 

[tangledup]

I just wanted to stop by and say "hello."
I am new as well. I also am in your age bracket.

 

[synthetic_suicide]

Ah ok. Seems like it's more likely than not that you'll get a pass? Wishing the best for you either way.

Thanks, I appreciate your wishes. I think there are good chances. Thing is that I still have a sparkle somewhere and I am not sure I will push through, not immediately at least…

While this would be a dream solution, I'd prefer to get N from SA and have it available for the right moment. Also when I visualize my death, I'd prefer it to happen in a place I love, not in a clinic.

But those are just small details in the grand scheme of things, and I am grateful I have some chances to access a peaceful and dignified death.