Venting I thought I was doing better…

[anopenwound]

Why do people lie to me? They keep telling me it gets better. It does until it doesn't. When something hurts it hurts just as much as it's ever hurt. And it sucks. And it's hell. And I can tell nothing much is happening, I can tell this is all overreacting - it still hurts. It's indescribable. Rationalising it doesn't do shit. I know this doesn't make any sense. But oh god. I just wanna die. Please let me die, please.

 

[retention]

What happened? Why do you feel this way?

 

[anopenwound]

BPD trigger. It's not even worth bringing up. My reaction is unwarranted. I'm more upset I feel this degree of pain over a non-issue rather than over said non-issue itself. I feel condemned to always return to this place no matter how good I'll do. I feel doomed. It doesn't feel any better than it did months ago. Years ago. Always ago. Fucking hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to be gone, it's dreadful to me how existing can easily get worse and I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this cruel, painful existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[anopenwound]

I'm here again. I'm hopeless again. But tonight has been a nice night and I'll pretend I'm going to bed for the last time. I hope I won't wake up. God, it would be so nice if I didn't have to wake up.

 

[Wolf Girl]

How old are you? I had a lot of borderline traits when I was younger, but since I hit my 30s it's calmed down a lot. I still overreact, but it's nowhere near as overwhelming and painful as it used to be. My issues now are much more about my autism. BPD traits often subside with age, but not for everyone.

 

[anopenwound]

Just turned 30. It's getting worse.

 

[zentaomeowzz]

They lie because they want to avoid the darkness in themselves. They can't hardly fathom their own darkness, and understanding another's is totally out of the question. I have borderline and it's gotten steadily worse, I'm 37 now. I struggle without blasting myself every day. My favorite thought is repeating suicide thoughts when I'm going to sleep, it helps me relax and brings so much comfort. I hope that you can get some good rest tonight imagining your end. Also you might want to check out on YouTube Schopenheur's Studies in Pessimism. It's an easy listen and it's so soothing to hear another soul describe how awful this place truly is. Paradoxically you may be able to find peace by embracing how horrible this place is -- but you need friends who can reflect it back to you (Schopenheur)