I think I will jump today. I go in and out of the "mood", but I am prepared to travel today.
I feel a little sad, mostly because I feel guilty, but also because I wish there had been another way for me. I just feel so doomed to die by suicide, whether it be now or in ten years, due to how often I feel suicidal and how treatment-resistant I am.
It is a little lonely. I don't want to be saved, so I can't really reach out to anyone to talk about the small grief I feel in surrendering. It would be unfair to them. And it would be unfair to me if they stopped me. Besides, if I wasn't successful, I'd be the girl who cries wolf. So instead, I am venting here.
I hope it's not painful. I hope I don't regret it. I have always dreamt of flying, though, so I guess I'll go out in a way that will make me feel free if the SI isn't too much.
I am at a party now though, so I'll try to enjoy these last few hours. And who knows. Maybe I back out of it.
I feel a little sad, mostly because I feel guilty, but also because I wish there had been another way for me. I just feel so doomed to die by suicide, whether it be now or in ten years, due to how often I feel suicidal and how treatment-resistant I am.
It is a little lonely. I don't want to be saved, so I can't really reach out to anyone to talk about the small grief I feel in surrendering. It would be unfair to them. And it would be unfair to me if they stopped me. Besides, if I wasn't successful, I'd be the girl who cries wolf. So instead, I am venting here.
I hope it's not painful. I hope I don't regret it. I have always dreamt of flying, though, so I guess I'll go out in a way that will make me feel free if the SI isn't too much.
I am at a party now though, so I'll try to enjoy these last few hours. And who knows. Maybe I back out of it.
