Story I think she might be dead already

[Adûnâi]

There was a girl who contacted me in Reddit DMs of all places in May 2023, we talked until she ghosted me in July, saying that she'd try to live until February. Well, now it's February, and she hasn't updated her song playlist in a few weeks, neither has she engaged online. I know, it's stalking, but it's not I have anything better to do with my life. So she might be decomposing right now xd

(I'm autistic & jaded, alright? I was also gifting her Twitch subs anonymously (to the streamers she watched), that's pretty pathetic.)

Of course, this entire thing clashes with my pro-mortalist stance, so I'm happy @FuneralCry doesn't read this forum sub-section. It's not like I'm disappointed that she no longer suffers - after all, everything is highly irrelevant (and I wished she would exercise her will). And anyway, the only plausible argument against suicide can be the possibility of indefinite lifespan extension through the artificial intelligence singularity - and that might never happen, and is fanciful anyway.

She's Japanese, so I kind of wonder whether it would make sense to do some ritual on the 49th day? I don't know much about Buddhism, would it only hurt? Or is it absolutely irrelevant?

I promise I'm not a fake suicider by bringing up another person's story! While I'd not kill myself over her like @penguinl0v3s' case, I'll still kill myself some day - unless another chance occurrence with astronomically-unlikely odds changes my fate in a miraculous fashion. (Or I slip in the bathroom xd)

 

[Deleted member 8119]

It's completely normal to feel bad for someone you lost, even when your beliefs don't see dying as a bad thing. Feelings aren't fully controllable, don't be hard on yourself.

 

[Adûnâi]

It's completely normal to feel bad for someone you lost, even when your beliefs don't see dying as a bad thing. Feelings aren't fully controllable, don't be hard on yourself.

The worst feeling is surprisingly the fear of becoming even more jaded. And I don't even drink (absinth or otherwise).

 

[Thia]

I am not religious or spiritual at all so my knowledge on this is limited compared to the average Japanese person, but afaik the 49th day ceremony is only observed by blood relatives as a general rule. It's up to you, though.

 

[Adûnâi]

I feel so weird, in the end. I only started feeling it ten days later - I'm that slow. A few points.

1. Survivor's guilt.
2. Curiosity.
3. Schadenfreude.
4. Gratitude.
5. Sorrow - noble.
6. Sorrow - jaded.
7. Sorrow - November.

Back in May-June 2023, I was giving this story's chapters successive names - Andersen, Hoffman, Kafka. Now I don't recognise what this story is - some HPMOR cringe about the wonders of tech? Or LotR about its horrors? Or Savitri Devi about the coming of Kalki?

Anyway, it's all just trying to shape my formless existence into meaning. Which was never there to begin with.

I also feel inadequately awkward that I wasn't feeling like this during the first week. Why am I such a giraffe?

That said, I'm not actively suicidal. Unless one might count my procrastination with my online school tasks as such - but it's par for the course.

Another thing - is this feeling going to disappear? Even now I can't cry because I don't consider myself serious enough. And I'm still eager to see my vain trinkets emerge - Cosmonarchy Brood War, the Stormgate fiasco, ZeroSpace release, Russia's tragedy in the war, the coming of ASI. And with time, isn't this memory going to get ever vaguer, more distant? Or should I prick my finger every month?

P.S. I'm hurrying to save this message lest my computer randomly BSODs and I suffer.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Man I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this the wrong way, but I'm not faking suicidal ideation

 

[Adûnâi]

I'm stalking her digital corpse feeling sad.

I think, @Doemu has gone away as well.

Man I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this the wrong way, but I'm not faking suicidal ideation

Apologies for not seeing your response, I stopped checking my notifications back in January, I think. Thanks for checking up on me! I'm way too cringe-sensitive to read what I wrote and gave you such an impression.

I keep on living because I'm evidently not been put under sufficient pressure.

Sifting through the dead pages, archiving them for the eyes of no one. It's a symbol of time to me which (time) I detest. "This too shall pass." Hate it.

 

[Adûnâi]

Update - she might not be dead. Imagine my shock. It's like kintsugi, it rhymes.

...There has been a rather bizarre and contradictory update in January 2024 which pointed to the JP girl's being alive (or never existing at all). In short, she used two names - name A for Reddit, name B for Twitch/Steam, and while name B indeed disappeared in Feb 2024, in Jan 2025 an account with name A appeared in the same super tiny (sic!) Twitch chat she had used to frequent. Could be a coincidence, but highly unlikely.

This prompted me finally to contact her friends on Feb 5 (I only did it after a year and only after this update) - they seemed cordial on day 1, but immediately went silent on day 2, with her (?) Twitch account sending me some curiously crude abrasive messages. My working hypothesis is that it's indeed her, but trying to shoo me away. Which is rather pointless (the whole point is my respecting her decision), but whatever floats her boat.

Of course, it's arguably scummy of her friends - imagine a person who gives them an update about their missing friend after a year, and you ghost him? And it's four people, all behaving like robots. But again, can't expect much from normies, whatever. My supreme IQ has gotten a story anyway (sorry for the cringe, I don't even necessarily mean a high IQ but the "idea of striving for the better intelligence").

If you want my honest schizo take, it's that my bitching and whining (with magic rituals!) for a year have changed the past in this timeline, so even if the JP girl never existed (age and country seem different), that's exactly the point.

《I am glad you know my name, whatever happens I don't think I will be forgotten anymore》

Here's an exclusive (privated!) anime (ugh) PMV for the mood.