I think my time is almost up

[ölmezdim]

Everything is ready to CTB. Bought a ticket to go to my best place. I'll breathe the sea and light my cigarette for the last time. Although I love life, there are no more questions left to ask. There's nothing left for me to do. There's no way out. I want to end this meaningless war and disappear; I have nothing to leave behind. Nothing to be sad about losing. I accepted my fate, no more looking for a solution. I believe I've completed my life. When I stopped asking "why," when I stopped searching for meaning, I realized how free I was, and I'm actually happy. The only problem is, I can feel happiness but I've never felt peaceful and safe. The peaceful, loving life I dreamed of never came and I will die with that void inside me. I think the time has come. I wish there was a man in whose arms I could die, someone who wouldn't leave me alone. The only thing that will remain unchanged is loneliness.

I hope I can do this, I hope I can finally find that peace. Wish me luck.

 

[jeevasO-o]

I hope you succeed!! I hope you get your peace. Goodbye<3

 

[StellaOctangula]

Goodbye, I hope everything goes well.

 

[stinky_joe]

A few days ago I was also planning on finally ending it but just like you, I love life. I love it even though getting through every single day feels like torture. The night before the planned date, I got anxious. I realized I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready to give up, I felt like I still had hope. I felt like I had no other choice but to keep enduring the pain. So I flushed down my suicide letter and called off the plan. I still feel awful but at least I know that I'm still here and I'll keep getting tortured by life because the pain makes me feel alive. I am able to feel. I look down on those who live like robots. I am superior because I can feel. And I want to stay because this feeling inside, the feeling of something inside me trying to rip away the flesh surrounding it and escape, it is everything I have and I'll protect it no matter what.

Also do you live in Turkey? If yes could u tell me where u got those and also what exactly they are?

 

[ölmezdim]

Thank you everyone for your good words.

A few days ago I was also planning on finally ending it but just like you, I love life. I love it even though getting through every single day feels like torture. The night before the planned date, I got anxious. I realized I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready to give up, I felt like I still had hope. I felt like I had no other choice but to keep enduring the pain. So I flushed down my suicide letter and called off the plan. I still feel awful but at least I know that I'm still here and I'll keep getting tortured by life because the pain makes me feel alive. I am able to feel. I look down on those who live like robots. I am superior because I can feel. And I want to stay because this feeling inside, the feeling of something inside me trying to rip away the flesh surrounding it and escape, it is everything I have and I'll protect it no matter what.

Also do you live in Turkey? If yes could u tell me where u got those and also what exactly they are?

Yes, I live in Turkey. Those are SN, I placed them in three different zip-lock bags to mix with water. I put 25g of SN into two of them and 50g of SN into one. And the drug is an antiemetic to avoid vomiting. You can find SN in every shopping site.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

I hope you find peace. I'm sorry life treated you the way it has.

 

[stinky_joe]

Thank you everyone for your good words.


Yes, I live in Turkey. Those are SN, I placed them in three different zip-lock bags to mix with water. I put 25g of SN into two of them and 50g of SN into one. And the drug is an antiemetic to avoid vomiting. You can find SN in every shopping site.

Wow i hadnt realized how easy it is to get SN lol and its really cheap too... And also i have some motis aswell but its liquid and definitely not as good as the pills :( tho if you want to chat or something u can dm me im just surprised to find another turkish person here

 

[ölmezdim]

Wow i hadnt realized how easy it is to get SN lol and its really cheap too... And also i have some motis aswell but its liquid and definitely not as good as the pills :( tho if you want to chat or something u can dm me im just surprised to find another turkish person here

Yepp, Some sellers ask you why you're buying it or require a business license (no individual sales, in short), but I was able to get it on my first try. The low price is a little daunting because in Türkiye, you know, everything is rigged, at worst I'll just survive lol. I hope it works as it should.

 

[ölmezdim]

I boarded the bus and booked my hotel room. I finished my night shift, goodbye to work.
When I boarded the company shuttle, one of the most emotional farewell songs was playing, It broke my heart, but I'm still happy with the decision I made. I want to share this song with you. A deep, emotional Turkish song. I'm leaving the English translation here:

Here I go, without saying a word
Without turning back, without complaining
Without taking anything, without giving a thing
The paths have already split, and I'm leaving without looking

There's no resentment, no regret in my heart
I walk as if you're still by my side
With every step, your voice fades away
I'm leaving, without a trace of my footsteps

When you came, my heart wasn't broken
The bird of my soul never tired of singing
No one ever held me the way you did
I'm leaving, before our light goes out

 

[ölmezdim]

I finally got where I wanted to be. Enjoy my last moments here.

 

[kufajoy]

I finally got where I wanted to be. Enjoy my last moments here.

Such a beautiful place to spend the last mement. Hope you will have a peaceful journey.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you deserve

 

[Untoten_]

Everything is ready to CTB. Bought a ticket to go to my best place. I'll breathe the sea and light my cigarette for the last time. Although I love life, there are no more questions left to ask. There's nothing left for me to do. There's no way out. I want to end this meaningless war and disappear; I have nothing to leave behind. Nothing to be sad about losing. I accepted my fate, no more looking for a solution. I believe I've completed my life. When I stopped asking "why," when I stopped searching for meaning, I realized how free I was, and I'm actually happy. The only problem is, I can feel happiness but I've never felt peaceful and safe. The peaceful, loving life I dreamed of never came and I will die with that void inside me. I think the time has come. I wish there was a man in whose arms I could die, someone who wouldn't leave me alone. The only thing that will remain unchanged is loneliness.

I hope I can do this, I hope I can finally find that peace. Wish me luck.

Wish you luck on this.

 

[ölmezdim]

I started a liquid fast a hour ago. Please encourage me!!!

 

[whoisit]

Good luck may you find eternal peace soon

 

[ölmezdim]

These are photos I took on my last day. Actually, I didn't know why I was taking them; after all, I wasn't going to share them anywhere, and I wouldn't have the chance to look at them later. This used to be my favorite place, but when I came here years ago, I had hope. I had passion for life and dreams. It used to bring me joy, but now I felt that walking around like this only caused pain.

At that moment, cats were fighting, lol.

 

[ölmezdim]

I wrote my letter and took antiemetics
I don't have oxazepam, so I'm taking 50mg of unisom (doxylamine succinate) to calm me down a bit. I'm taking it half an hour before taking my SN because it will only start to take effect then.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Why did you decide to ctb?

 

[VoidBlessed]

That sounds so peaceful! Wishing you the best of luck. I hope to die by the sea too

 

[ölmezdim]

Why did you decide to ctb?

It's too late to explain

 

[BullsDon'tFly]

Beautiful photos, amazing place, when I was happier I dreamt about visiting Turkey. Best wishes, I hope you'll find the pain you're searching for.

 

[ölmezdim]

Ready, I am waiting to drink

 

[Untoten_]

It's too late to explain

Idk if this is insensitive or if you just wanna be in piece, but could you give us an idea of some effects when you do take the SN? Someone did this awhile back apparently but the thread is gone

 

[ölmezdim]

Some parts of SN inside haven't dissolved, is there a problem...?

 

[Untoten_]

Some parts of SN inside haven't dissolved, is there a problem...?

Just keep stirring I think.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

Those were beautiful pictures. I've always wanted to go to Turkey. Mostly Istanbul (really wanna see the inside of the Topkapi palace) but where this is looks beautiful too. If by some rare chance I get better and get to go someday, maybe I'll stop by wherever this is to honor you.

No matter what happens I hope you find peace.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Beautiful pictures. Good luck, may it pass quickly

 

[Hollowman]

Good luck

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

i hope you find the peace you're looking for ):

 

[fadedghost]

If you are gay, and in a conservative country, there's the rainbow railroad to get to canada.

Rainbow Railroad

Rainbow Railroad helps LGBTQI+ people escape state-sponsored violence. Learn more or request help today.

www.rainbowrailroad.org

if i'm too late, i hope your suffering ends. if i'm not too late, LGBT+ people are treated much better and are less lonely in more accepting places. you're still young, you could go, meet someone, fall in love. it happens...

no purple light, i think i'm too late.