locketofroses
Member
- Feb 22, 2025
- 15
I've spent my whole life since I was 13 trying to find something worth staying for. First it was a vacation I would be going on soon, then it was waiting for school to go back offline so I could see if high school might be a better experience, then I met a girl who for some time made me WANT to stay. Then she left, and I had no reason anymore, yet still, I told myself I'd give it a year and if I didn't find something else I would do it.
Within that year I met my now boyfriend(?). Then my reason became so I can move closer to him, and really have a life with him someday. Then he broke up with me because he said he couldn't handle committing to that kind of relationship with his mental state and other responsibilities. A while after that things sort of quietly went back to normal after a while. I really have no clue if he's even my boyfriend or not anymore though. We never said things were back to normal, he just started acting like they were, and I was happy so I didn't ask.
As time has gone on, however, he has only gotten more distant. We hardly ever talk anymore. I haven't heard from him in over two weeks now. I keep texting him and he doesn't even read them, nevermind respond. I don't think he wants me anymore. But he knows how I reacted after that girl I mentioned earlier left, and I'm sure he doesn't want to face that, so he's saying nothing instead. Keeping my hopes up just enough that I won't freak out at him, but never actually showing up for me to have any real hope.
He is my last thing to stay for. The last thing holding me here. At this point I think maybe it's time I accept my fate, because nothing is going to save me. I can't save me, and neither can anyone or anything else.
No matter what I always end up back here. Crying alone in my room in the middle of the night debating whether or not I'll wake up in the morning. Obviously, since I'm writing this, last night I did decide I'd still be here today. Even that was only because I messaged him again and wanted to see if maybe this time I'd get a response. I haven't. I don't think I will either. He's done with me.
I was never meant for anything more than death anyway. I was supposed to die the same day I was born, that was how it was supposed to go. But medical intervention stopped it, and I wish it never did. I was never supposed to be here to begin with.
I can't end this here though. No matter how many nights I debate it, I can't. I refuse to die trapped as I lived. I refuse to die in this room, this house, hell even in this country. I want to die free somewhere I've never been before. In a forest, maybe. Somewhere far away from here. Somewhere I have no further association with than "this is where I get freedom". My death will be the one thing in my life that is truly my own, just for me, my first and last act of true self love.
Within that year I met my now boyfriend(?). Then my reason became so I can move closer to him, and really have a life with him someday. Then he broke up with me because he said he couldn't handle committing to that kind of relationship with his mental state and other responsibilities. A while after that things sort of quietly went back to normal after a while. I really have no clue if he's even my boyfriend or not anymore though. We never said things were back to normal, he just started acting like they were, and I was happy so I didn't ask.
As time has gone on, however, he has only gotten more distant. We hardly ever talk anymore. I haven't heard from him in over two weeks now. I keep texting him and he doesn't even read them, nevermind respond. I don't think he wants me anymore. But he knows how I reacted after that girl I mentioned earlier left, and I'm sure he doesn't want to face that, so he's saying nothing instead. Keeping my hopes up just enough that I won't freak out at him, but never actually showing up for me to have any real hope.
He is my last thing to stay for. The last thing holding me here. At this point I think maybe it's time I accept my fate, because nothing is going to save me. I can't save me, and neither can anyone or anything else.
No matter what I always end up back here. Crying alone in my room in the middle of the night debating whether or not I'll wake up in the morning. Obviously, since I'm writing this, last night I did decide I'd still be here today. Even that was only because I messaged him again and wanted to see if maybe this time I'd get a response. I haven't. I don't think I will either. He's done with me.
I was never meant for anything more than death anyway. I was supposed to die the same day I was born, that was how it was supposed to go. But medical intervention stopped it, and I wish it never did. I was never supposed to be here to begin with.
I can't end this here though. No matter how many nights I debate it, I can't. I refuse to die trapped as I lived. I refuse to die in this room, this house, hell even in this country. I want to die free somewhere I've never been before. In a forest, maybe. Somewhere far away from here. Somewhere I have no further association with than "this is where I get freedom". My death will be the one thing in my life that is truly my own, just for me, my first and last act of true self love.
