18 years ago during my freshman year of college, I developed a chronic illness. I was in a very intense program, putting in 20 hours days. I've always been a hard worker, very driven and ambitious, on a good path in life, and lucky to have lots of opportunities.
One evening, while I was working away in my dorm room, my roommate brought back some leftover food for me, and it made me sick. I thought it was food poisoning, but I didn't throw up. Ever since that day, I've been nauseous 24/7, just to varying levels of severity.
Basically, it feels like I have food poisoning, all day, every day. And it's my worst nightmare, because I am extremely emetophobic. When it started, it really only got bad after eating. The solution was simple: eat as little as possible. That was enough to get by. I was able to start a company, have a successful career, a wonderful relationship, friends, etc. It was an intense struggle, it was living hell to be nauseous all day every day, and it severely limited my life in many ways, but I made it work, and I had things in my life that I enjoyed.
A couple years ago, it got a lot worse. I went through a particularly stressful time in my life, where I moved across the country for a relationship that didn't work out, and it added a lot of stress to my body. Something internally must have broke or something, because the nausea went from this thing that really only mostly happened after eating, to being constant. I was really struggling to keep up at work, and when the company had layoffs, I was the first to go, which was not a surprise. I was barely holding it together and it was clear to everyone that I probably shouldn't be working anymore.
I moved to be closer to my parents, and it's only been getting worse and worse. It's at a point now where I can barely get out of bed. I can't even sleep through the night without the nausea waking me up every few hours. I can't work, I can't have friends, I can't even do any hobbies. Looking at a phone screen or having any sound makes it worse. All I do every day, is lie in bed with the TV on in the background as quiet as possible, with my eyes closed because I can't even look at the screen. Typing this out right now is a struggle, and I apologize if it's a bit strangely formatted or has port grammar, I'm doing my best here, I don't have the energy to edit it.
Of course, I've been to more doctors than I can count over the years. I've been tested for everything, been to every type of specialist, every medical center within 500 miles, I've been on dozens of different medications, all with no luck. Nothing has ever given me any relief, most of the time it just makes it worse. I've never been able to get a diagnosis either, every test comes back normal. I know something is wrong with me and it's not mental, because after 18 years of dealing with this you'd think I would have found some sort of solution if it was just mental, something that snaps me out of it, but it feels completely out of my control. There is no rhyme or reason to when I feel more or less sick, it's completely random now, and mostly bad all the time.
I have no reason to be alive anymore, and I've ran out of any hope that this is ever going to get better. I can't stand the thought of continuing to go to more doctors. All that's left is to run the same tests I've already had done multiple times anyways. I have nothing, and I'm just a drain on my family's resources. I can't even get disability, because I have no diagnosis, and if I tell them "I'm nauseous all day", they just laugh at me and tell me to get a job. But it's not just like a nuisance, it's severe, debilitating nausea where I've got a trash can next to me, waiting to throw up any second. It drains every ounce of energy I have. Most days, I don't really fall asleep, it's more like I pass out from exhaustion. And I can't take it anymore. I can't keep doing this. This is not a life. This is hell. This is torture.
I am a very strong willed person. I like to think that the fact I've even made it this far is a testament to my drive and naturally positive spirits. But everyone has a breaking point. I've held out hope for a long time that maybe someday I would find answers. But this illness has broken me. I don't even know if I would want to live if I did find a cure because I am burned out. I achieved most of the things that I wanted to achieve anyways, despite my illness, and I don't want to start over again, which I would have to because it's been years since I've worked or had a relationship or even had a friend.
To put it plainly, I would rather not exist than have to suffer another day. At least then, I can have peace.
What I don't want, is a method of ending it that makes me nauseous or makes me throw up. I've already been through enough of that. Please, anything but that. Let my last moments on this earth be without nausea, that's all I ask. I wish it was easier to end my life, I think of all people I would deserve to end it in a way where I don't have to suffer anymore.
One evening, while I was working away in my dorm room, my roommate brought back some leftover food for me, and it made me sick. I thought it was food poisoning, but I didn't throw up. Ever since that day, I've been nauseous 24/7, just to varying levels of severity.
Basically, it feels like I have food poisoning, all day, every day. And it's my worst nightmare, because I am extremely emetophobic. When it started, it really only got bad after eating. The solution was simple: eat as little as possible. That was enough to get by. I was able to start a company, have a successful career, a wonderful relationship, friends, etc. It was an intense struggle, it was living hell to be nauseous all day every day, and it severely limited my life in many ways, but I made it work, and I had things in my life that I enjoyed.
A couple years ago, it got a lot worse. I went through a particularly stressful time in my life, where I moved across the country for a relationship that didn't work out, and it added a lot of stress to my body. Something internally must have broke or something, because the nausea went from this thing that really only mostly happened after eating, to being constant. I was really struggling to keep up at work, and when the company had layoffs, I was the first to go, which was not a surprise. I was barely holding it together and it was clear to everyone that I probably shouldn't be working anymore.
I moved to be closer to my parents, and it's only been getting worse and worse. It's at a point now where I can barely get out of bed. I can't even sleep through the night without the nausea waking me up every few hours. I can't work, I can't have friends, I can't even do any hobbies. Looking at a phone screen or having any sound makes it worse. All I do every day, is lie in bed with the TV on in the background as quiet as possible, with my eyes closed because I can't even look at the screen. Typing this out right now is a struggle, and I apologize if it's a bit strangely formatted or has port grammar, I'm doing my best here, I don't have the energy to edit it.
Of course, I've been to more doctors than I can count over the years. I've been tested for everything, been to every type of specialist, every medical center within 500 miles, I've been on dozens of different medications, all with no luck. Nothing has ever given me any relief, most of the time it just makes it worse. I've never been able to get a diagnosis either, every test comes back normal. I know something is wrong with me and it's not mental, because after 18 years of dealing with this you'd think I would have found some sort of solution if it was just mental, something that snaps me out of it, but it feels completely out of my control. There is no rhyme or reason to when I feel more or less sick, it's completely random now, and mostly bad all the time.
I have no reason to be alive anymore, and I've ran out of any hope that this is ever going to get better. I can't stand the thought of continuing to go to more doctors. All that's left is to run the same tests I've already had done multiple times anyways. I have nothing, and I'm just a drain on my family's resources. I can't even get disability, because I have no diagnosis, and if I tell them "I'm nauseous all day", they just laugh at me and tell me to get a job. But it's not just like a nuisance, it's severe, debilitating nausea where I've got a trash can next to me, waiting to throw up any second. It drains every ounce of energy I have. Most days, I don't really fall asleep, it's more like I pass out from exhaustion. And I can't take it anymore. I can't keep doing this. This is not a life. This is hell. This is torture.
I am a very strong willed person. I like to think that the fact I've even made it this far is a testament to my drive and naturally positive spirits. But everyone has a breaking point. I've held out hope for a long time that maybe someday I would find answers. But this illness has broken me. I don't even know if I would want to live if I did find a cure because I am burned out. I achieved most of the things that I wanted to achieve anyways, despite my illness, and I don't want to start over again, which I would have to because it's been years since I've worked or had a relationship or even had a friend.
To put it plainly, I would rather not exist than have to suffer another day. At least then, I can have peace.
What I don't want, is a method of ending it that makes me nauseous or makes me throw up. I've already been through enough of that. Please, anything but that. Let my last moments on this earth be without nausea, that's all I ask. I wish it was easier to end my life, I think of all people I would deserve to end it in a way where I don't have to suffer anymore.
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