ever so lonely
terry joseph williams
- Apr 17, 2022
- 282
hiya people, i think i am ready for tonight, i been putting it off since last year and beyond just tooing and throwing with the idea, but my trauma keeps re occurring, preventing me from literal living, like a monkey on my back i cannot shake, i have had the sn from ic for a few months now, truth is i am an epic failure, everybody who has ever loved me i fucked it up, in due course, can always be relied upon for that i suppose, the situation is this, i am borderline agrophobic, with no family or support network as i have suffered multiple bereavements, over the years, so those who truly cared are already gone such as my mother, dad never wanted me, errrrm i havnt worked in 6 yrs or thereabouts due to being signed off due to mental ill health, and since lockdowns i now seldom even go out, i have nobody who gives a remote fuck whether i live or die, and tbh this is the only place i have found somewhat acceptance, on top of al that shit i havnt dated in 4 yrs, no real desire to either i guess, been there done that, it often just leads to further pain, also like many here i have had many people treat me cruelly and with utter disdain, like proverbial shit on there shoe, plus stigmatise my mental state, whether at formal job interviews as soon as i have touched on it, or even in personal settings, so the sn is here i have 2 50 g bags, i am going to put it in water, drink it down and wait for it to do its magic, and wait to go, i am slightly scared but i guess that is the si, but i can defos overcome it, i feel for each of us here ya know, suffering as we are, i read others stories even when i dont participate myself, being a lurker sometimes, and it is truly horrific the suffering on this site, some of the accounts i have seen, long term incurable mental health issues, sex abuse victims, gang rape or date rape stories, trauma inducing familial backgrounds, it makes me feel this world is just so cruel and hellacious, no illusions no bs, yet we continue to procreate, but for me, i had enough, frankly, i entered alone i shall die alone, thanks peoples, if i fail i will post again with a progress update, but i cant imagine i will, i am certain i want out, just feel nothing at this point, pure apathy, i have finalised what i need to do, ie paid my last remaining bills etc, thanks for having me, for this long ass time, and i am sorry, so sorry we were born into this shit without ever having been consulted somehow, like where did we sign up !, i am off to check out, i cant wait for la la land, that sweet nectar of non existence, take care people, god bless 
