I think I’m just unfit to be human

[SummerChristmasEve]

I do not have the mental fortitude to keep existing. I'm genuinely addicted to lying in bed all day, and I have been for almost 4 years. There is absolutely no desire in me for a future, for a purpose or for dreams. I am hyper aware of the fact that it's an addiction, and at the same time I can't put my phone down. I can't get out of bed. Sometimes I wish I had a real addiction, so at least I'd have a real chemical dependency rather than pure laziness.

I've thought about just getting approved for a credit card, blowing the money and ctb, but I don't even know what I would do. Where I'd want to go.

Part of me feels like my death is just natural selection doing its thing. If an animal is unfit to survive in an environment, it dies. What makes me any different from an animal? I don't even want to survive. Even if I did manage to hustle, get a degree, and work super hard to establish myself, what then? What was it for? I have literally never been good at being human. I've always been lazy, put stuff off, gotten addicted to stupid shit, put off working hard and being disciplined. It's like the right answer is right in front of you but you just won't take it.

Sometimes I wish I could just rot til I die guilt free. Then at least I'd enjoy it. It's like sleeping all day is the closest I can get to dying without the actual effort to ctb.

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to live with a chronic illness or live in poverty and constantly have to work to survive on top of being addicted/depressed. I feel like I've been dealt pretty good cards in life that I just completely wasted. People probably dream to have the opportunities that I've wasted, and I feel so guilty about that as well. It's like logically my existence has taken away resources that people could have actually used. I got a scholarship to college that could have been life changing for someone who was actually dedicated to learning, but I stole that from someone.

 

[barelyholdingon]

As someone with substance abuse history you definitely don't want an addiction like that. But I understand what you're saying if a dog is sick you put it down. I'm a sick dog that needs a bullet to the brain

 

[Eternal Disaster]

I also feel that. My human life is a disaster. I am not fit to be one.

 

[SummerChristmasEve]

As someone with substance abuse history you definitely don't want an addiction like that. But I understand what you're saying if a dog is sick you put it down. I'm a sick dog that needs a bullet to the brain

Yeah, I understand what you mean, but I wish there was a rehab for what I'm dealing with. I've read that screen addiction affects the brain in similar ways to heroine addiction. I'll probably have dementia or something early in life because of how rotted my brain is. I literally forget my name if someone asks me on the spot. Genuinely. If there are no cars on the road I'll randomly forget which side I'm supposed to drive on. It's like I'm slowly losing my mind. It just doesn't feel as legitimate as a real substance issue.

I don't mean to downplay or discredit substance abuse at all, though. If that's how I came off.