borderline-feline
Constantly Sleepy Catgirl
- Dec 28, 2022
- 645
I've been thinking a lot about therapy as of late since I have an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up in January. Therapy doesn't seem to do anything positive for me. As it is, I need to get my chart amended to remove a depression misdiagnosis. Every medication combination has been thoroughly unhelpful in making me feel good, and I'm generally a treatment resistant case, especially since I disagree with behavioral therapy being considered a treatment for an illness since all it does is reduce certain symptoms.
I don't think I'm capable of "getting better". I've tried for over a decade, and I honestly don't know if it's something I even want. I worry enough about my lack of an identity, so the prospect of not knowing how I would come out the other side if treatment were to work is horrifying. Ending my life is a much better option in my mind. I'm excited about the prospect of killing myself, even if I'm not currently able to bring myself to do it.
I kinda wish that my favorite person would start to hate me so I could just kill myself. If he hated me, then I wouldn't be causing him any pain, and he'd be free from the burden of being close with me. As much as I'm terrified of him leaving me, I would be left with nothing holding me back from catching the bus. I couldn't care less what kind of impact my death will have on other people. I just want to be free of pain while leaving my favorite person happy.
I think that therapy has actually made me worse. Between being misdiagnosed with depression at a young age and my OCD being treated in a really unhelpful way (exposure and response prevention therapy), I'm convinced that trying to get better just makes my situation worse. Trying to get treatment for my intrusive thoughts only made them worse and strengthened my desire to die because of how guilty, paranoid, and disgusted I feel from it.
Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm not exactly known to be good at communication.
I don't think I'm capable of "getting better". I've tried for over a decade, and I honestly don't know if it's something I even want. I worry enough about my lack of an identity, so the prospect of not knowing how I would come out the other side if treatment were to work is horrifying. Ending my life is a much better option in my mind. I'm excited about the prospect of killing myself, even if I'm not currently able to bring myself to do it.
I kinda wish that my favorite person would start to hate me so I could just kill myself. If he hated me, then I wouldn't be causing him any pain, and he'd be free from the burden of being close with me. As much as I'm terrified of him leaving me, I would be left with nothing holding me back from catching the bus. I couldn't care less what kind of impact my death will have on other people. I just want to be free of pain while leaving my favorite person happy.
I think that therapy has actually made me worse. Between being misdiagnosed with depression at a young age and my OCD being treated in a really unhelpful way (exposure and response prevention therapy), I'm convinced that trying to get better just makes my situation worse. Trying to get treatment for my intrusive thoughts only made them worse and strengthened my desire to die because of how guilty, paranoid, and disgusted I feel from it.
Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm not exactly known to be good at communication.