Help Ever downward - Is it worth it?

[Felodese]

At this point I should change my nick to Ambivalent, since that's my constant state..
It's been getting worse but at the same I might have a tiny chance at something that could change things for me.

So, story time:
Lifelong depression, shitty family, shitty childhood, shitty life, no meds that work, can't get therapy/other help.

2 years ago - rock bottom. Ctb attempt. Got involuntary committed. Got ketamine treatment - felt better for a while, false sense of hope soon crurshed by reality. New failed ctb attempt. Finally got therapy - seeing it as my last chance.

Therapy: first nothing, then a little better as I started trusting my shrink, then increasingly worse symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Now complete fucking breakdown in therapy as shrink is a complete dick and I've lost all trust in him. There goes that last chance.

All along: still want to ctb. I have everything I need, and for this weekend and the next I have access to my ideal spot for it. So I have two chances to make this work.

The catch: I might get accepted into a medical trial with psilocybin - which might help. I was at the first screening today and will hear back from them later this week. Whether I get in or not I can get a new set of ketamine treatments. The effect wears off in a couple of months.

But if I do get in I will need to put up with my shrink for a few more months, as a requirement for the study.
If I don't, all I have is the ketamine ... and a shitty shrink...

So, is it worth living if I go on to the next screening? (At least till the next screening)
Is it worth living if I don't?
I have a limited window of time for ctb the way I really want it.

 

[Felodese]

Ok, so no medical trial, no psilocybin.
I do have an offer of ketamine treatment starting in s month.
Shrink still sucks but now also knows that I *might* have plans to ctb this weekend. He had a psychiatrist call me to assess if I was likely to off myself... Lying isn't that fucking hard - especially over the phone to a complete stranger.
If I show up to my apointment on monday I just might run the risk of being committed.

My downward spiral is becoming a whirlwind that's pulling everything into it do now everything is spiraling....

What the fuck am I supposed to do here?