I think I want to ctb

[tulip0214]

I don't know where else to say this, so prepare for a kinda rant. I'm not happy in my life at the moment, nothing is how I anticipated things, and I genuinely can no longer picture a future for me, and don't think i want one. I have attempted an overdose once before however, it was unsuccessful and I was taken to hospital. I regularly self harm as a coping mechanism, and have a plethora of suicide notes I've made but never had the courage to go through with it at that point. There are lots of events in the future I am excited for, but I can't see a way for me to keep going until those events, and everything I might look forward to is in other peoples lives, not my own. I have an amazing family, and a younger sister, and I know that if I was to 'catch the bus' it would destroy her, and I genuinely would never want to do anything to hurt her. My friends as well would feel so guilty, and my best friend knows quite a bit about everything, and he felt terrible after I told him about my attempt, I don't think he'd be okay if I wasn't around, and once again I love him and dont want to hurt him, but I can't see how I can keep going at the moment. I am not really living my life, I am just surviving enough for other people, and that is not enjoyable. I know how I would do it next time, to be successful, I just dont know if I have the courage, or if I am selfish enough to destroy the lives of those around me.

 

[oneDay1]

Hey there. I totally hear you when you say you're only living for the sake of others. The only thing keeping me here right now is the pain i would cause my parent if I were to ctb. Did you want to talk about your situation? If you're comfortable, feel free to pm me.

 

[tulip0214]

Hey there. I totally hear you when you say you're only living for the sake of others. The only thing keeping me here right now is the pain i would cause my parent if I were to ctb. Did you want to talk about your situation? If you're comfortable, feel free to pm me.

Erm yeah I'd like to talk, I'm not sure how to pm you though, I'm new to this website

 

[Grave]

Hey, I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation, it's a shit place to be, and I can see many similarities with my own situation. Suicide is a very drastic measure, it's not something to be taken lightly, so make sure you think through it properly. Maybe now isn't the right time, maybe it is, maybe it never will be, or maybe it will be sometime in the future.
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk, though I think you might only be able to open DMs with people after you've been around a while.

 

[oneDay1]

Erm yeah I'd like to talk, I'm not sure how to pm you though, I'm new to this website

im trying to figure that out too. I've tried the private message function in the chat but it says im not allowed to send messages to you. Im gonna read through the documentation.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate. Life can really be cruel to us. I wish we lived in a world where suicide was accepted when we are going through never ending suffering, but it requires courage and can go wrong and there is the trauma it causes to others. It really is a hard place to be feeling like this. I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, suicide is certainly my last choice. I'm still here because I can't leave my dad alone but damn, I dunno how longer I'll be able to keep living on this planet! :(

 

[tulip0214]

It is really hard knowing that you're just living for the other people in your life. Hurting people is the last thing I want to do, but surely it's better than just continuing in pain

 

[oneDay1]

You seem to be heavily involved in the lives of your loved ones and the fact that you're genuinely happy for their successes is makes me think you're quite empathetic. To be honest i found myself turning jealous and bitter towards others who are doing much better than me. Just curious (and pardon if its too intrusive), but what are some of those events that you're excited about in the future?

 

[tulip0214]

I'm going on holiday with my friends, and my mum is getting married in about a years time, and then there's just generic things in my little sisters life, like I want to see her eventually graduate university, I want to see her get married, and have kids, because although I can't imagine me having a future I can imagine her having one, and part of me really wants to be around to see it, and also I don't want her to suffer the implications and trauma if I was to end it all.