scully
a nihilist, a soldier, an ocd machine
- Nov 29, 2025
- 10
he died. over 5 moths ago. and tbh i hated his guts. he was great at everything except being a father and a husband. he was a great professor at one of the best universities in my country, often traveled abroad to teach in different countries around the world: china, korea, america, japan. and he was beloved by students. he was funny, friendly, understanding, patient. and when i was younger, according to my family, he was also a great dad. but from what i remember he was great, until he wasnt. until he was shouting at me, calling me a cow and other sweet nicknames he would come up with in the heat of the moment. he would be verbally and physically abusive. he never hit hard enough for it to bruise tho. it hurt. left red marks. but nothing permanent.
my mom was no saint either. she often pushed the fights further. she said thing she knew would provoke me. dont get me wrong, he had no right to react that way no matter what she said but she knew what she was doing a lot of the time, and he never hit me without a reason. so, like any 11 year old - i blamed myself. for years, even after the physical abuse stopped (mostly cause i stopped engaging with him in any way. i pretended he didnt exist while living in the same apartment).
and i know he wasnt a great dad. or rather he was a great dad until something provoked him and he'd break. but he was a good person. and im not saying that because i want to ignore all that he did wrong. i know what he did. but i also know he loved me. and that fucking destroys me. because in all of his love he couldnt go to therapy cause he was too proud. in all of his love he wasnt able to accept blame for what happened. he literally told me that i shouldve known better cause it wasnt only whe i was 11, so when i was 12, 13 and 14 i shouldve been smarter and shouldve known not to provoke him. so yeah. he was fucked up. i know that.
but he was also an extremely interesting person who knew so much about several different topic.he was able to be soft and empathetic. he was deeply insecure and i think thats what made him violent. but i need a father. i think i still do. but he is dead now. and i will never get to know him. he will never get to know me. he will never see who i become. he will never know me for who i made myself. he will never be proud of me. my mother said he already was. but i just wish he could see me overcome the hardships and just continue on.
at the same time i know that if he hadnt died i most likely wouldve killed myself. i was planning to do it if i hadnt passed all of my finals. and realistically i probably wouldnt have. but when my dad died i knew i couldnt leave my mother alone. im an only child so i had to keep going. so all this wondering abou what wouldve happened if my father was alive is just bs.
my mom was no saint either. she often pushed the fights further. she said thing she knew would provoke me. dont get me wrong, he had no right to react that way no matter what she said but she knew what she was doing a lot of the time, and he never hit me without a reason. so, like any 11 year old - i blamed myself. for years, even after the physical abuse stopped (mostly cause i stopped engaging with him in any way. i pretended he didnt exist while living in the same apartment).
and i know he wasnt a great dad. or rather he was a great dad until something provoked him and he'd break. but he was a good person. and im not saying that because i want to ignore all that he did wrong. i know what he did. but i also know he loved me. and that fucking destroys me. because in all of his love he couldnt go to therapy cause he was too proud. in all of his love he wasnt able to accept blame for what happened. he literally told me that i shouldve known better cause it wasnt only whe i was 11, so when i was 12, 13 and 14 i shouldve been smarter and shouldve known not to provoke him. so yeah. he was fucked up. i know that.
but he was also an extremely interesting person who knew so much about several different topic.he was able to be soft and empathetic. he was deeply insecure and i think thats what made him violent. but i need a father. i think i still do. but he is dead now. and i will never get to know him. he will never get to know me. he will never see who i become. he will never know me for who i made myself. he will never be proud of me. my mother said he already was. but i just wish he could see me overcome the hardships and just continue on.
at the same time i know that if he hadnt died i most likely wouldve killed myself. i was planning to do it if i hadnt passed all of my finals. and realistically i probably wouldnt have. but when my dad died i knew i couldnt leave my mother alone. im an only child so i had to keep going. so all this wondering abou what wouldve happened if my father was alive is just bs.
