Venting I think I just purchased SN, hesitated more than I thought I would.

[Embalmer]

Even though multiple people sent me pms trying to help me find an SN source none of them would ship to the United States so I ended up finding one completely on my own. I don't feel comfortable sharing where I got it from but it was actually insanely easy to find if you knew what to search for. I have been looking for a source for the past month and decided to search something else and found two sources right away. I double-checked one of them and a user who has seemingly passed away had actually posted about it but forgot to censor the name. But when I went to check out I was shaking and hesitated while I stared at my screen for a few minutes. Partially because I knew this purchase if successful, would literally result in my death within probably the next year. It seemed too easy, to be honest, so if the purchase doesn't go through I won't be surprised. I'm saving the SN just in case my career path decision doesn't work out (I'm 99.9999% sure it won't), so knowing I have an easy way out if my life gets even worse puts me at ease. But I'm sad about the things I'll miss out on and fearful of what comes after. Even though I don't believe in anything after death, and think we just return to nothingness like before we were born, it's still such a hard thing to grasp.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

But I'm sad about the things I'll miss out on

Do you think it's completely unrealistic to attain those things?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

But I'm sad about the things I'll miss out on and fearful of what comes after.

That proves that right now you may not be really ready to leave, but that's nothing bad at all. You have your plan ready. When the time comes you don't need to worry about being trapped against your own will. This is such a great relief! I wish you all the best!

 

[Slasher]

If you still have hope for the future and might still want to live it might not be the smartest idea to have SN ready as it might push you to that point of suicide quicker but on the other hand, You have a plan and the resources so when the time comes you won't be cornered and forced to live trough it but you'll have the choice and damn is that a relief. I personally find peace with the idea of nothingness cause it will not bother me as for I'll be dead, if anything I'm giving back to the world after I took so much from it wich also makes it easier for me to accept.

 

[looking_for_peace]

I felt similar to you when I bought my SN. The first time I placed an order (back when it still sold on sites like Etsy) I freaked out and cancelled at the last minute. Spent the next year regretting that as SN got harder to get, and when I finally found a source again, I felt that same sense of despair. Though I placed the order, I felt like shit for a few days, although I KNEW it was what I wanted. When it arrived, I felt a sense of relief, but also shame.

If I had to guess, this is our SI acting up. We are 'ordering' our deaths online- it isn't a feeling many people get to experience. But once you get your SN, assuming it is stored correctly, you can use it whenever you want. A year from now, two years, three, four, five. It's up to you. Having that freedom is great.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least if you have the SN it means you have the option of a way to leave and you aren't trapped here in this awful world, I understand why having SN would make you feel relieved and I think that those who manage to access SN are fortunate. And eternal nothingness could never be anything to fear as it's the absence of all problems and suffering, nothing can concern those who no longer exist which is why I see not existing as being completely ideal. But anyway I wish you the best.