I strongly believe i have BPD but can’t get a diagnosis

[goodoldnoname923]

I was genuinely spilt between posting this here or in off topic but given the Somber tone i decided to here,so BPD is something i've always dabbled in the thought of me having but never really had any sort of diagnosis. Not spent much time in mental health and support tbf plus being on the autism spectrum makes it harder to identify anyway doesn't help that my parents reject the notion

it was a video breaking down the psychology of a character from the game I can't remember the name for never played it but it always peaked my interest had no idea he was going to discuss BPD but here we are i'll leave the link to the video here so you can watch

But i wanna more focus on the comment i read that described the person's experience with BPD and how it matches up with my own life's experiences again not diagnosed


"I'm so sorry but this is going to be a bit of a long read! As someone who does suffer from BPD, I can appreciate your dive into the disorder, and that your analysis is pretty spot on about Ashley. I do what to add that for people with BPD, Andrew being her "anchor" (I love how you describe this btw) is actually called a "favorite person". BPD, mixed along with other disorders like bipolar (which is rare to have both but it does happen, me being one of them, and the rest of the list I also do suffer from), ADHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, dissociative disorders, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc. is hard for literally everyone involved, especially loved ones. The fear of abandonment amongst the other symptoms.

stems from childhood neglect, abuse, or any other traumatic experiences, and the overbearing love in any sense more than likely comes from him being the only literal stability she's ever known, so she developed severe separation issues because he's the only thing that has kept her grounded in reality (loosely i might add), even though one could argue that Andrew is part, if not most, of why she is the way she is due to him enabling this behavior. The fear of abandonment and separation anxiety, especially those that have become a favorite person for us, in those who suffer from BPD can also stem from people not staying in our lives for very long because of the fact that we can't control our emotions very well, feeling them about 10× stronger.

than those who don't suffer from BPD and not only having episodes of emotional sensitivity but emotional reactivity as well (there is an amazing article on this by PsychCentral on the topic titled "The Emotional Vulnerability of Borderline Personality Disorder" that I highly recommend) that makes us come off as extremely volatile, pathological liars, or straight up manipulators, so people typically don't stay in our lives very long because we can be way too much to handle. We also come off way too strong which scares people away.
Most of the time we don't mean to be this way or we might not even be able to recognize that we're even acting in a certain way, but there are some people out there that think they can use mental health disorders as a "get out of jail free" card or as some sort of scapegoat, leading to a lot of stigma around mental health disorder, which is what led me to becoming a mental health advocate as well as going into psychology, so u could better help people with the knowledge i have of my own struggles."


As for the "favourite person" thing described i'd say that's perfectly accurate to how i feel about my friend of 6 years that left after my terrible treatment of them and my inability to not only move on but even function without them. It's the reason why suicide has become stronger and stronger in my mind these last few months but it's something that has always been inside me and something I've always contemplated on and off

I don't see a life without her I don't see happiness without her I can't find myself letting go of her and I can't see her being fully happy with a world with me in it because i'll always try to get her back i know i will…and I'm too mentally fucked up to do anything about it

I genuinely don't believe i can get or be fixed so…i don't see much choice in the matter i'm broken

I may add more to this later…but for now i'm going to leave it at this as I'm getting emotional and irrational again

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

You're in so much pain, I hope you find relief soon.

 

[willitpass]

Do you plan on seeking out treatment for BPD? If you don't plan on seeking treatment getting a formal diagnosis would be rather futile. If you do plan on seeking treatment, do very extensive research into finding a good place for it. BPD is highly stigmatized in the psychiatric and even medical field, and unfortunately that diagnosis can lead places to refuse treatment or offer lesser quality treatment because providers are too scared of the diagnosis. Many believe it is too hard to treat and that all people with it are manipulators and so they simply refuse. Make you sure to research ahead of time to try to avoid any negative experiences with providers like this. I hope you're able to find peace and if you are looking for help, I hope you find the help you need.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I was genuinely spilt between posting this here or in off topic but given the Somber tone i decided to here,so BPD is something i've always dabbled in the thought of me having but never really had any sort of diagnosis. Not spent much time in mental health and support tbf plus being on the autism spectrum makes it harder to identify anyway doesn't help that my parents reject the notion

it was a video breaking down the psychology of a character from the game I can't remember the name for never played it but it always peaked my interest had no idea he was going to discuss BPD but here we are i'll leave the link to the video here so you can watch

But i wanna more focus on the comment i read that described the person's experience with BPD and how it matches up with my own life's experiences again not diagnosed


"I'm so sorry but this is going to be a bit of a long read! As someone who does suffer from BPD, I can appreciate your dive into the disorder, and that your analysis is pretty spot on about Ashley. I do what to add that for people with BPD, Andrew being her "anchor" (I love how you describe this btw) is actually called a "favorite person". BPD, mixed along with other disorders like bipolar (which is rare to have both but it does happen, me being one of them, and the rest of the list I also do suffer from), ADHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, dissociative disorders, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc. is hard for literally everyone involved, especially loved ones. The fear of abandonment amongst the other symptoms.

stems from childhood neglect, abuse, or any other traumatic experiences, and the overbearing love in any sense more than likely comes from him being the only literal stability she's ever known, so she developed severe separation issues because he's the only thing that has kept her grounded in reality (loosely i might add), even though one could argue that Andrew is part, if not most, of why she is the way she is due to him enabling this behavior. The fear of abandonment and separation anxiety, especially those that have become a favorite person for us, in those who suffer from BPD can also stem from people not staying in our lives for very long because of the fact that we can't control our emotions very well, feeling them about 10× stronger.

than those who don't suffer from BPD and not only having episodes of emotional sensitivity but emotional reactivity as well (there is an amazing article on this by PsychCentral on the topic titled "The Emotional Vulnerability of Borderline Personality Disorder" that I highly recommend) that makes us come off as extremely volatile, pathological liars, or straight up manipulators, so people typically don't stay in our lives very long because we can be way too much to handle. We also come off way too strong which scares people away.
Most of the time we don't mean to be this way or we might not even be able to recognize that we're even acting in a certain way, but there are some people out there that think they can use mental health disorders as a "get out of jail free" card or as some sort of scapegoat, leading to a lot of stigma around mental health disorder, which is what led me to becoming a mental health advocate as well as going into psychology, so u could better help people with the knowledge i have of my own struggles."


As for the "favourite person" thing described i'd say that's perfectly accurate to how i feel about my friend of 6 years that left after my terrible treatment of them and my inability to not only move on but even function without them. It's the reason why suicide has become stronger and stronger in my mind these last few months but it's something that has always been inside me and something I've always contemplated on and off

I don't see a life without her I don't see happiness without her I can't find myself letting go of her and I can't see her being fully happy with a world with me in it because i'll always try to get her back i know i will…and I'm too mentally fucked up to do anything about it

I genuinely don't believe i can get or be fixed so…i don't see much choice in the matter i'm broken

I may add more to this later…but for now i'm going to leave it at this as I'm getting emotional and irrational again

I am diagnosed: the differentials are many and very subtle to spot, so in order for diagnosis you need an intimate relationship with an experienced professional. Not just educated; trained and educated with BPD or its neighbours.

No person would be diagnosed with

"BPD, mixed along with other disorders like bipolar (which is rare to have both but it does happen, me being one of them, and the rest of the list I also do suffer from), ADHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, dissociative disorders, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder"

I may have read that sentence wrong as it's got a janky structure but those are too many coexisting differentials. Nobody has done any work with that patient if the best they can do is a complete list of everything that's ever presented anything at all like BPD.

Diagnosis is furthermore a practical matter. You do your best and narrow it down as much as possible and then you design a treatment plan. You work the treatment plan and observe for changes, varying treatment and only returning to alter the diagnosis when treatment options are exhausted. You do not apply multiple identical diagnoses just because they fit. Once you have chosen a path via diagnosis you move forward into treatment rather than continuing to diagnose.

To move forward with a Dx, you may want to approach a DBT office who staffs a psychologist. That office will have everything you need to differentiate between DBT and everything else with a similar presentation, and be ready to accept a clinical, treatment oriented approach.

For better or worse, we need clinicians in order to practice medicine, and that comes with their philosophical approach of helping people heal. You won't just get a diagnosis, there's treatment involved. Treatment validates the diagnosis, so you really can't have one without the other.

It actually helps me understand that suicide is my ultimate goal, I'm not trying to push recovery on you but I am saying that a doctor will want to treat you and it's not all garbage to work with that even if you are not interested in a natural death

 

[AllMyDreams]

I agree with the above comments. For what it's worth I'm on the autism spectrum and for a time I thought I had BPD, because I would latch on to potential romantic partners and text them every moment of every day until they replied because I was scared of them abandoning me. But I also didn't fit other characteristics like impulsive behavior, unstable identity or hallucinations, and I got over the obsessive behavior as I got older. I think there is some overlap between autism and BPD (both present with emotional instability, obsessions, acting inappropriately in social situations) and maybe I just had abandonment issues as a separate matter. But for you it may be different.

BPD is a serious condition and I would recommend getting checked out.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Do you plan on seeking out treatment for BPD? If you don't plan on seeking treatment getting a formal diagnosis would be rather futile. If you do plan on seeking treatment, do very extensive research into finding a good place for it. BPD is highly stigmatized in the psychiatric and even medical field, and unfortunately that diagnosis can lead places to refuse treatment or offer lesser quality treatment because providers are too scared of the diagnosis. Many believe it is too hard to treat and that all people with it are manipulators and so they simply refuse. Make you sure to research ahead of time to try to avoid any negative experiences with providers like this. I hope you're able to find peace and if you are looking for help, I hope you find the help you need.

I got Dx in buttfuck central Canada and the pros told me that BPD is a hell of a lot more respected today. Although I spent most of my time in a DBT office where everyone is a specialist. One of the changes is that my professionals had professionals lol. That's part of the structure of a DBT office. Otherwise we're gonna fuck with their heads too much.

They also told me horror stories before BPD and similar was streamlined away from general healthcare... They can stabilise a crisis nicely (lil too much validation given) but they didn't know what they were doing with the validation or why I ended up addicted to hospitalising myself lol

Anyway, it's neat to be able to offload some of the stuff I sponged up during treatment. I heard all the things you wrote, but most of the time I heard it from a couple of retired psych nurses who lived it back then rather than encountering mistreatment myself.

Well. I did experience grievous mistreatment but that's a different can of worms than BPD.

I agree with the above comments. For what it's worth I'm on the autism spectrum and for a time I thought I had BPD, because I would latch on to potential romantic partners and text them every moment of every day until they replied because I was scared of them abandoning me. But I also didn't fit other characteristics like impulsive behavior, unstable identity or hallucinations, and I got over the obsessive behavior as I got older. I think there is some overlap between autism and BPD (both present with emotional instability, obsessions, acting inappropriately in social situations) and maybe I just had abandonment issues as a separate matter. But for you it may be different.

BPD is a serious condition and I would recommend getting checked out.

There is either correlation or symptom overlap yeah, AFAIK it's not open for laypeople to peruse but there is work being done on differentiating between the two

And a whole bunch of others, but I found it interesting how autism is connected

 

[goodoldnoname923]

I agree with the above comments. For what it's worth I'm on the autism spectrum and for a time I thought I had BPD, because I would latch on to potential romantic partners and text them every moment of every day until they replied because I was scared of them abandoning me. But I also didn't fit other characteristics like impulsive behavior, unstable identity or hallucinations, and I got over the obsessive behavior as I got older. I think there is some overlap between autism and BPD (both present with emotional instability, obsessions, acting inappropriately in social situations) and maybe I just had abandonment issues as a separate matter. But for you it may be different.

BPD is a serious condition and I would recommend getting checked out.

I know for certain i have other issues that wouldn't fall under autism but as you jusy displayed there is a heavy overlap between BPD and autism making it hard to actually get a diagnosis

As for getting genuine help and shit not only do i feel its too late and already lost the person that meant the world to me idrk if it would make a difference if that makes sense

 

[AllMyDreams]

I know for certain i have other issues that wouldn't fall under autism but as you jusy displayed there is a heavy overlap between BPD and autism making it hard to actually get a diagnosis

As for getting genuine help and shit not only do i feel its too late and already lost the person that meant the world to me idrk if it would make a difference if that makes sense

You won't know what help can do for you until you try! So I recommend it. Worst case it fails and you're back to where you started.

 

[Saturn_]

I don't really have anything too interesting to add here, but I'm really sorry that you even have to question this. BPD is said to be one of the most agonizing mental disorders to live with, and has one of the highest suicide rates of any mental disorder. Whether you decide to CTB or seek therapy and treatment, I hope it only goes well for you, and that death or life, whichever you may choose in the end, treat you only with kindness. The game you're thinking of is The Coffin of Andy and Leyley by the way, it's on Steam if you want to check it out. I've never played it, but I'm familiar with it. Also I love your Homura profile picture!

 

[mirrorgurl]

I'm 99% sure I have BPD and it has totally destroyed my life. I know I have to die

 

[alltoomuch2]

I was genuinely spilt between posting this here or in off topic but given the Somber tone i decided to here,so BPD is something i've always dabbled in the thought of me having but never really had any sort of diagnosis. Not spent much time in mental health and support tbf plus being on the autism spectrum makes it harder to identify anyway doesn't help that my parents reject the notion

it was a video breaking down the psychology of a character from the game I can't remember the name for never played it but it always peaked my interest had no idea he was going to discuss BPD but here we are i'll leave the link to the video here so you can watch

But i wanna more focus on the comment i read that described the person's experience with BPD and how it matches up with my own life's experiences again not diagnosed


"I'm so sorry but this is going to be a bit of a long read! As someone who does suffer from BPD, I can appreciate your dive into the disorder, and that your analysis is pretty spot on about Ashley. I do what to add that for people with BPD, Andrew being her "anchor" (I love how you describe this btw) is actually called a "favorite person". BPD, mixed along with other disorders like bipolar (which is rare to have both but it does happen, me being one of them, and the rest of the list I also do suffer from), ADHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, dissociative disorders, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc. is hard for literally everyone involved, especially loved ones. The fear of abandonment amongst the other symptoms.

stems from childhood neglect, abuse, or any other traumatic experiences, and the overbearing love in any sense more than likely comes from him being the only literal stability she's ever known, so she developed severe separation issues because he's the only thing that has kept her grounded in reality (loosely i might add), even though one could argue that Andrew is part, if not most, of why she is the way she is due to him enabling this behavior. The fear of abandonment and separation anxiety, especially those that have become a favorite person for us, in those who suffer from BPD can also stem from people not staying in our lives for very long because of the fact that we can't control our emotions very well, feeling them about 10× stronger.

than those who don't suffer from BPD and not only having episodes of emotional sensitivity but emotional reactivity as well (there is an amazing article on this by PsychCentral on the topic titled "The Emotional Vulnerability of Borderline Personality Disorder" that I highly recommend) that makes us come off as extremely volatile, pathological liars, or straight up manipulators, so people typically don't stay in our lives very long because we can be way too much to handle. We also come off way too strong which scares people away.
Most of the time we don't mean to be this way or we might not even be able to recognize that we're even acting in a certain way, but there are some people out there that think they can use mental health disorders as a "get out of jail free" card or as some sort of scapegoat, leading to a lot of stigma around mental health disorder, which is what led me to becoming a mental health advocate as well as going into psychology, so u could better help people with the knowledge i have of my own struggles."


As for the "favourite person" thing described i'd say that's perfectly accurate to how i feel about my friend of 6 years that left after my terrible treatment of them and my inability to not only move on but even function without them. It's the reason why suicide has become stronger and stronger in my mind these last few months but it's something that has always been inside me and something I've always contemplated on and off

I don't see a life without her I don't see happiness without her I can't find myself letting go of her and I can't see her being fully happy with a world with me in it because i'll always try to get her back i know i will…and I'm too mentally fucked up to do anything about it

I genuinely don't believe i can get or be fixed so…i don't see much choice in the matter i'm broken

I may add more to this later…but for now i'm going to leave it at this as I'm getting emotional and irrational again

Similar here. I identify a lot with the features of BPD and was recently diagnosed autistic (I'm female, in my 60's). Being treated by mental health services for anxiety and obviously thoughts and plans for CTB, but also suffered complex trauma. I brought up BPD with the crisis team and whether they thought I had it. They didn't say no, and I know I am having DBT which can be used for BPD but they also said BPD is the most common misdiagnosis autistic people sometimes get before they are diagnosed autistic. But they and my mental health practitioner seem very keen to try to bump me up the list for psychiatric assessment so I think they believe it's a possibility. Maybe go to your GP, tell them your concerns and ask to be referred for psychiatric assessment. And if they say no, keep pestering them. But the waiting list is very long and crisis psychiatrists (whom I've seen) don't diagnose, or at least they don't in my local crisis team. But only a psychiatrist can tell if it's autism alone, or also BPD.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's funny because in my experience all it takes is to have a little bit of complexity in your mental health profile to be slapped with the BPD hammer.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Similar here. I identify a lot with the features of BPD and was recently diagnosed autistic (I'm female, in my 60's). Being treated by mental health services for anxiety and obviously thoughts and plans for CTB, but also suffered complex trauma. I brought up BPD with the crisis team and whether they thought I had it. They didn't say no, and I know I am having DBT which can be used for BPD but they also said BPD is the most common misdiagnosis autistic people sometimes get before they are diagnosed autistic. But they and my mental health practitioner seem very keen to try to bump me up the list for psychiatric assessment so I think they believe it's a possibility. Maybe go to your GP, tell them your concerns and ask to be referred for psychiatric assessment. And if they say no, keep pestering them. But the waiting list is very long and crisis psychiatrists (whom I've seen) don't diagnose, or at least they don't in my local crisis team. But only a psychiatrist can tell if it's autism alone, or also BPD.

What made you pursue autism DX in your 60s? I was DX BPD in my 30s and now understand that I can gain nothing with an autism DX and told to leave it be and focus on treating symptoms rather than any further DX

 

[alltoomuch2]

What made you pursue autism DX in your 60s? I was DX BPD in my 30s and now understand that I can gain nothing with an autism DX and told to leave it be and focus on treating symptoms rather than any further DX

I get post diagnostic support group help, my mental health treatment and support now includes mental health workers who are specially trained in autism, my mental health workers now have my diagnosis of autism to help them tailor my treatment to me because now they know that certain things about me are likely due to autism and can only be helped but not changed, and other things about me need treatment and support but in a slightly different way from NTs because I am ASD eg CBT isn't as useful. And lastly but more importantly I can stop thinking, as I have done for 60 years, that I'm a shit useless person and forgive myself for being different. Oh and I have the knowledge and the right to ask an employer to make "reasonable adjustments" so that my work causes me less stress, fatigue and distress. Lots of benefits. I would ask your mental health workers why they don't think those things are not beneficial. BPD is the most common misdiagnosis for autistic people and if you're autistic, you won't change with treatment, unlike BPD. So maybe you're having unnecessary treatment instead of understanding who you are and that can't change but there are ways to make things easier. That's why my autism assessment was so quick. Because my mental health workers needed to know. And they have found it very helpful. I'm disgusted you've been told that because you have no access to support and help for autism